Hindsight
by Dreaming Egypt
Summary: How does a woman cope when her husband is always on the road? How does she manage when everything she thought she knew turns out wrong? Could she forgive him? Should she try?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Hindsight

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own any of the characters you may or may not recognize. Yep...that about covers it..._

**Rating: M** _Mostly for language and possible adult situations later on..._

**Author's Note: **_Yet another story idea that's been tickling the back of my brain and preventing me from working on the other fics I've got going. I figured I'd be more apt to get back to all of them if I just got it out of my system and all that good stuff. SO...this is my latest drivel...Hope ya like it. And thanks to Bunny and Micky for Betaing! Ya'll give me the confidenct to show what I do._

* * *

"Hey baby girl." I heard as I answered the phone. I did my damnedest to suppress the sigh that immediately tried to escape my throat. We'd promised to be civil through everything but he seemed to be having a much easier time of it than I was. Then again, he hadn't walked in on me with some eighteen-year-old blonde.

"What do you want Mark?" I managed. It was neutral at best.

"I guess I just wanted to talk." He said after a long silence. "I miss you."

I'll admit it, my windpipe threatened to close off at that last part. God I missed him so much it hurt physically but there was no way I could forget what I saw. Swallowing the burning lump, I eked out some terribly non-committal grunt and hunkered down into the nest of blankets and pillows I'd made on the couch. I couldn't make myself sleep in the bed. Even after washing all the bedding, it still smelled like him.

"I'm not gonna say I'm sorry again." He went on, his tone softer, the regret in it tangible. "You told me you didn't wanna hear it anymore."

I was shaking my head as he spoke. No, I did not want apologies. What I wanted was to be able to turn back the clock and stop the whole damn debacle from happening. I wanted to take a Brillo pad to my brain and scour the image of his massive form, a form I knew oh so well, hovering between tanned and toned thighs, out of my memory. Just the thought of it made my stomach heave.

"Is that all?" I asked simply and heard his frustrated sigh from the other end of the line.

"Is what all?" He growled.

"Did you just call to let me know you're done apologizing?" More neutrality…I knew it pissed him off but if I offered up any more he'd take it and run with it. There was no way I was giving him that inch. He was not forgiven. What sort of woman would I be if I forgave him?

There was a muffled curse and a thump from his end. "Adrian, baby girl please don't be like this."

"How do you expect me to be?" I spat. The anger welled up inside me so fast it nearly consumed me. "Mark…I caught you…"

"I know…I know…" He sighed hard and I thought I heard it shake. "I made a huge mistake and I don't deserve nothin' from you but…I'm askin. Don't throw away what we got over one fuck up."

"One colossal fuck up." I corrected him. "Do you remember what I told you the night we met?"

He actually chuckled. I'm pretty sure he thought I was giving in because I was talking. "You told me a lot of things that night."

"Yeah I did, and the most important thing I told you were my rules."

"Oh." He breathed, what little confidence he had gained draining out in that one syllable.

"What did I say about cheating Mark?" Part of me was embarrassed to admit it but keeping him off balance like I was gave me a fair amount of pleasure. He never let himself be swayed so easily.

My husband is the pinnacle of composure and self-control. Until that night I was sure he'd never allow anything remotely like that to happen because of the standards he held himself to. Apparently his "give respect to those who deserve it" policy didn't apply to me.

"Don't disappear darlin." He whispered. "Stay there. I'll stay on the road until you're ready to see me. Just please…" He trailed off. My heart screamed at me to tell him everything was all right, that I needed him with me. I didn't dare open my mouth for fear that I might let it all out. My jaw ached with the need to tell him how much I loved him but the look on his face when he saw it was me standing there in the open doorway and not the room service he'd left the door open for prevented it. I couldn't shake it and it made me feel so small…so stupid.

"It's your house."

"No…no little girl, it's our house. It has been since you moved in."

"Stop…calling me that!" I hissed. I couldn't let myself think that way anymore and hearing his endearments sent me too close to the point of no return.

I could not allow myself to become one of _those_ road wives. I'd met too many who turned a blind eye to their husband's infidelities while they were away because they never saw it and if it didn't happen at home or effect what little time they did get, they could pretend. I could not pretend. I wanted to so desperately but nothing would ever be the same between us. It couldn't be.

"Adrian…c'mon now." He said quietly.

"No Mark, I can't…" The tears had snuck by and I hated them. I hated myself for crying and hated him for making me feel as empty and alone as I did.

"Yes ya can…" Was he begging? Good Lord!

"No…I really can't. I've gotta go." I tried but the words shook so badly as I spoke I doubt he could understand them, and hung up.

The phone rang again immediately but I let it go to the machine. He didn't leave a message and that was fine with me. I already knew what he was going to say and the endless litanies of "I'm sorrys" and "don't leaves" was more than I could bear just then.

The truth of the matter was, I didn't know what to do. As soon as the whole thing went down I was sure I was leaving. I ran out of the hotel room, charged into the elevator, stormed through the lobby, and headed straight back to the airport intent on packing everything that was mine and disappearing forever. I wanted to kill him, scream at him, make him hurt as bad as I did but as soon as I burst through the front door and that familiarity washed over me, I knew I was stuck, at least for the moment.

How the hell did I end up like that? As soon as I found out what Mark did for a living red flags went up in my head. He was famous…and never home. It was a recipe for disaster for any relationship.

When we met however, I did not know any of that…

* * *

The night of my twenty-third birthday, my very best friend took it upon herself to go against my wishes to let the day pass along quietly into the sunset and virtually kidnapped me. Granted, once I found out where we were headed I was much happier. I couldn't walk into my favorite swarthy biker bar without smiling. 

"Hey Adrian!" One of the bouncers called waving as we came through the door. I grinned and waved back as Casey dragged me to the bar. She was up to something, no question, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what.

"Hey ladies. The usual?" The bartender asked as we muscled through the sea of leather-clad drinkers around us.

I opened my mouth to agree but Casey slapped her hand over my mouth. "Hell no Marvin! It's her birthday, do something special could ya?" She all but yelled. Before I knew what hit me, everyone within a three-foot radius of us began clapping and cheering.

"I'll kill you for this later." I grumbled at her but Casey just kept on smiling her perfect beauty queen smile and handed me whatever it was Marvin had mixed. I eyed my drink and then her but finally shrugged and tipped back the reddish liquid in my glass. It burned like hell itself going down and kept on burning once it got to my stomach. "Jesus!" I managed to wheeze once the glass was empty. "What the hell is that?"

I never did hear the response. Before anyone could speak, I was lifted off my feet from behind and hoisted up onto the bar.

"God Damn it Brian!" I screamed down at Casey's boyfriend who also happened to be one of my close friends. He was grinning fit to split his skull in half as Marvin the bartender got everyone's attention and announced to the entire tri-county area that it was in fact my birthday and they were all obligated to buy me a beer.

I couldn't speak! I could feel the heat burning in my cheeks as the crowd applauded good-naturedly. I was in the place a lot. They knew me and they also knew someone was going to pay for making a spectacle like this happen. Oh, I was going to kill them.

"Wow, your face is as red as your hair." Brian laughed outright as he gave me a hand down off the bar. "That's a nifty trick." I couldn't even respond I was so flustered. Visions of gratuitous maiming were running circles around my head so I turned back to the bar and ordered a beer before I made good on my thought processes, and plowed through the crowd to find a table.

By the time my traitorous friends found me I was comfortably planted in the back by the pool tables.

"You two better have more beer." I growled but I couldn't keep the anger going as I looked at them. They looked so terribly pleased with themselves as they sat down, brandishing a large metal bucket brimming over with ice and beautiful brown glass bottles.

"Don't worry, we come in peace." Casey laughed brushing a strand of Barbie blonde hair out of her face. I raised an eyebrow at her but leaned back scanning the crowd.

"I think we need to get her laid." Brian said so randomly that I nearly spat my beer at him.

"Excuse me?" I blustered and looked to Casey for back up. The smirk playing across her lips said I was absolutely and completely on my own. "Oh no…No you do not need to get me laid."

"I dunno Adrian." Casey sighed as she glanced past me, lifting her chin slightly. "I see at least one who looks interested."

My eyebrows came down into a frustrated scowl as she laughed at me. I could not believe my ears! Sure, it'd been a while since I'd gotten _that_ particular birthday present but I was mostly all right with that. I was not one to randomly hop into the sack with just anyone. I did however, follow Casey's line of sight.

Immediately, I knew whom she was talking about. There, leaning against the back wall of my favorite dark and dirty hole-in-the-wall was a man the likes of which I had never seen. He towered over everyone in the place even as he slumped; his powerfully built shoulders hunched forward slightly as he leaned on a pool cue and waited for his shot. His face was thoughtful even as he grinned at his opponent. The hard angles of his jaw and cheeks and his deep-set eyes were exactly what I would have looked for. Casey knew me well. What I did not see however, was how my friend got the impression he was interested.

As I watched him push himself off the wall, he shrugged out of the flannel jacket he'd been wearing before making his way toward the table for his shot. Not once did he glance in our direction.

"I think you must be on drugs." I muttered unable to quite pull my eyes away from the myriad tattoos covering his arms from shoulder to wrist. Yeah, Casey definitely knew what I liked and this big bastard was looking just about perfect for me.

"I'm telling you, he was looking at you before you turned around!" Casey persisted waving her hand toward the big man and his game of pool.

Mercifully, Brian caught her hand and stuck a beer in it.

"Well, whether or not he was looking over here, it's still a nice birthday present." I laughed as he leaned way over the table to line up with his ball. I couldn't help but smile wider as his thick ponytail slid over his shoulder and into the pool of light on the table. It was red, true Irish red.

"Why don't you go over and say hello?" Brian said pulling my attention back to our table and the bottle in his hand. I smiled and took it, tipping back half of it in one swallow.

"Not a chance in hell dear." I said wryly and tapped my beer on the table to emphasize my statement. After whatever Casey and the bartender had conspired to feed me, the coolness of the stout was working its way through me like a freight train. The warm fuzziness it produced in my gut was more than welcome. "Besides, he was probably staring the prom queen here." Casey kicked me under the table and I burst out laughing.

"Adrian, he is so not my type." My beautiful friend countered. I sighed and let my face fall into my hand. Casey had been built with all the grade A stock. She had the perfect blonde hair and the sparkling blue eyes and a body Pam Anderson only wished she could buy from her plastic surgeon. How the hell she and I had become friends still occasionally astounded me. I had never been anything like that.

Until our senior year of high school, I had happily trailed around in her shadow. I was quiet and mousy. My hair was stick straight but it was that 'nothing special' brown and my eyes matched it but the summer before our last year of school I'd gone to visit my aunt and she'd helped me finally overcome my fear of…. well, of me.

Casey's face had been priceless when she got a good look at my fire engine red hair and my big biker boots. The tattoos hadn't happened yet but the ball had gotten rolling and I wasn't beautiful Casey's sidekick anymore.

In her true sweet form, she'd shook her head and hugged me close and told me she was proud of me and as long as I was happy, she was too. I tell y'all what, that's a damn good friend.

Brian's joking voice shook me out of my thoughts again. "Hey may not be your type but who's to say you're not his?" Casey made a horrified face and threw an ice cube at him.

"Look around us," she began smiling triumphantly at him, "I don't wear enough black to get picked up in this joint!" I groaned and kicked at her chair. "Besides, if you look right now, the big guy is definitely not looking at me."

My stomach dropped at the inference in Casey's words and the satisfied smile she was flashing as I edged my way around to face the pool tables. Holy shit, big red did appear to be staring at me! I cursed the redness I knew was rising in my cheeks and ducked back under the guise of reaching for another beer, one I probably didn't need.

"You chicken shit!" Brian said and burst out laughing. I didn't dignify him with a response. Besides, it's really hard to argue with the truth.

"Go on over Adrian." Casey said prodding me with the bottom of her bottle. I shook my head furiously and let it fall into my crossed arms on the table.

"Hell no I will not. That's more rejection than I can deal with tonight."

"Adrian…" Casey sighed rolling her eyes.

"Casey…" I shot back in the same disparaging tone. "Look, there is no way I'm going over there so he can ask me about the gorgeous blonde at my table."

"Look, I'm telling you he was looking at YOU!" She went on but I shook my head.

"He was looking pretty hard while you were standing on the bar." Brian added.

"EVERYBODY was looking when I was on the bar!" I countered but neither of them looked ruffled. Were they as drunk as I was? That could explain their lack of reaction.

"Nah, he was looking at you." Casey smiled and swigged on her beer. God, she seemed so sure she was getting my hopes up. It wasn't the first time though. There were lots of times in high school when she'd pressured me into talking to a guy or asking someone to a dance. It had never gone well so why did this time feel different? Was it because we were older or was she that serious about what she saw? I shook my head. I couldn't think straight with the two of them staring at me.

"Stop it." I blurted and covered my face with my hands. I could feel their eyes burrowing into me.

"Go talk to him." Casey poked. I uncovered one eye and glared before covering it again. "Go on. I'm not letting this one go."

Something inside me popped. I dropped my hands away from my face and stared quizzically at my friends. "Is my make up all screwy?" I asked. Cassie seemed a bit taken aback.

"Er…no." She muttered. I nodded, took a deep breath, and downed the last of my beer before turning back to the pool tables.

"Son of a bitch…" I blurted and craned my neck for a better view. "Where'd he go?" Casey and Brian both shrugged. "Damn it!"

"See what happens when you wait too long?" Brian offered. I frowned at him furiously and lapsed into a sulking fit.

"Come on Adrian…He's got to be here somewhere." Casey said wrapping a drunken arm around my shoulder. I snorted and crossed my arms petulantly. "Do you want me to go find him for you?"

I had to shake my head for her question to register. "Absolutely not! He'd take one look at you and whisk you off into the sunset." I laughed. Brian made some derisive grunt but I waved him off standing up. "I…am going to the ladies room."

Cassie was kind enough to steady me as I wobbled away from the table. I think I might have thanked her later but at the time, I was focusing all my attention on looking as normal as possible as I walked toward the bathroom. The crowd seemed to have doubled since we arrived but apparently the tip of the day had been passed along. I got stopped at least half a dozen times by birthday well-wishers before I made it to the relative quiet of the hallway that hid the bathrooms.

Once away from the general hustle of the bar proper I leaned my head back against the wall and took a deep breath. Luckily, the walls were where they were supposed to be so I knew I was going to be okay as I mustered up my strength and aimed for the door marked with the stick figure wearing a dress.

"Hey Red." A voice behind me stopped me dead with my hand on the knob. Slowly I turned to see who could possibly be talking to me and found myself looking up…way up to find a face. My heart immediately began to pound out of my chest.

"Hi." I managed but that was it. One syllable…what a great first impression.

"I uh…saw what your friends did to you out there." He went on, leaning a hip against the doorframe beside me and crossing his massive arms over his equally massive chest.

"Yeah…they suck a little bit tonight." I could've punched myself in the face. Damn my inability to put together an interesting thought! What the hell was I saying? No doubt the man in front of me, the object of my attention for the majority of the evening, was looking for a discreet way to cut and run.

"I'd have killed em myself." He chuckled and the deep rumble of it shot through my stomach like that god-awful drink earlier. It was a physical reaction that left me nearly panting with the want of the sound of his voice.

"They're not safe yet." I smirked and he smiled with me leaning down so that beautiful red ponytail fell down over his shoulder.

"My name's Mark." Mark…I wouldn't have placed him as a Mark…maybe Adonis or Hercules or better yet Thor…but Mark seemed to be too small a name for the presence the man possessed.

"Adrian." I said and held a hand out to him. He shifted his weight so he was standing fully upright again and shook it, his huge hand swallowing mine as he did so.

"Well Adrian, how bout you let me buy you a drink?"


	2. Chapter 2

The sound of the rain drumming softly on the roof brought me out of my reminiscing. God that night had been so great but the thought of it made my stomach lurch just a bit. There weren't words for how much I missed him or how difficult it was not to call him just to hear him call me 'baby girl' in that accent of his. I'd never picked it up. It appears the midwestern accent I grew up with in Detroit refused to be beaten into submission.

Standing and stretching my tired aching frame, I sighed and wandered into the kitchen to check the machine. Sure enough, the little red light was blinking. It would appear I didn't hear the phone the second time. Reluctantly, I pushed the button and waited, a weight like lead on my chest.

"Baby girl…Adrian please pick up. I know damn well you're there now please pick up. Adrian?" My stomach knotted up as I listened to the recording. Mark was very good at controlling his emotions but I knew better. I could hear the strain in his voice and it tore at my heart. My fists knotted in my T-shirt, his shirt actually, as I did my best not to reach out and pick up the phone. I wanted desperately to call him back. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hear that deep baritone that had become a life preserver to me in my worst of times and my favorite sound in the world in the best of them but he didn't deserve my call. And as strange as it sounded, I think that's what hurt the most. I'd put so much into loving my husband because he had seemed so much better than anyone I'd ever met and he proved me wrong.

How could I be so stupid? How could I think for one second that I'd be different from all the other women he sees daily? He told me I was…that's how. How many other women had he told that to? The whole thing made me sick.

I stood there staring at the answering machine considering pressing the button again just to hear his voice but instead I erased it. If I left it, I'd replay it until I was so hysterical I'd call and could NOT let myself do that. Nothing was okay…

My throat closed convulsively as I fought the tears burning my eyes. Three weeks it had been since that night and the sound of his voice still sent me over the edge. He wanted to come home. I wanted him to come home but I deserved better than a half ass relationship with a man I couldn't trust out of my sight.

A full-blown sob wracked my body at the thought. It had been Mark that taught me I deserved better than the normal caliber of man I dated. He showed me with his actions and his words that I was better than I thought I was.

"One night ruins everything…" I whispered and grabbed the cordless phone before throwing open the back door and stepping out onto the deck. The rain was falling more softly and I let myself fall into one of our wooden Adirondack chairs to watch it. I wasn't paying attention to it though. I stared at the buttons on the phone as I turned it round and round on my lap. I knew I didn't need to be alone but my family and friends were all in Detroit and the time difference prevented me from calling home. Sighing heavily, I started dialing the only person I could think of that would understand.

"Adrian?" His voice was tired on the other end but I felt the ball of nerves in my stomach relax slightly.

"Glen…" I sniffed. "I'm sorry it's so late."

"No…no kiddo. It's all right. What's up?" He yawned and I heard him shift.

I opened my mouth to tell him what was running around in my head but the tears stopped me again. "Glen…I…" He sighed.

"Adrian, c'mon. Take a deep breath." I smiled in spite of myself. Glen had become a very good friend over the years even if he was gone as much as Mark was. When I was traveling with them, the three of us were a force to be reckoned with in the bars. It was a damn good time and even now that everything was different, ruined even, he was still the best listener I knew. "What's bothering you honey?"

"Glen, I love him so much." I whimpered. "What do I do? I don't know what to do?"

"I know you do and no matter what you think, he loves you too. You're all he talks about." Glen said in his smooth even Tennessee voice.

"He wants to come home."

"Are you ready for that?"

"No…I don't know…" Why did I have to blubber to someone? It was so embarrassing. I just wished I could suffer my misery alone. "It's his house."

"No, it's your house too. It has been for years and I know Mark doesn't want you to leave it. He already said he'd stay on the road as long as it took for you." I chuckled.

"That's exactly what he told me."

"Oh good. At least we're getting the same story." He was trying to make me laugh and it was working. Glen was like a big brother that way. He'd poke and prod and annoy and make jokes until you felt better and it almost always worked. He'd been an absolute saint through my emotional crisis despite his friendship with Mark.

"I can't trust him…" I muttered.

"Are you sure kiddo?" He asked. My first reaction was to say yes I was sure, but I knew damn well if there were something to tell, Glen would find a way to let me know. "I'll take the silence as an 'I don't know'."

"I don't want to but I want to." I admitted. Glen laughed from his end.

"That's my girl. Don't sell him out yet. Take the time you need. Get your head together but don't give up on everything."

"Glen, you don't know what I saw."

"Yes I do. Believe me, where do you think he went when he couldn't find you outside the hotel?" Yeah, that would make sense. Mark always went to Glen when he had problems and Glen did the same.

"How do I forgive that?"

"That's up to you kid. I don't know that you can. All I do know is, it has never happened before and I can say with relative certainty that there is very little chance of it happening again. He's not even himself right now Adrian."

"Glen…" I sighed. The last thing I needed was images of Mark's guilt swirling around in my head.

"No…he's not Mark right now and he won't be until you tell him what to do." So much for getting the weight off my chest… "Think about what it was like when you were out here with us. Remember when we met? Don't just fixate on the bad okay? Just promise me you won't turn your back on six good years because of this one night."

"I can't just forget it." I began but a sound on the other end stopped me.

"Sweetheart, I've got to go. Mark just walked in." And he was gone.

Sighing heavily I dropped the phone into my lap. I hated it when Glen gave me things to think about. He had a knack for that. Just when I'd think I had my mind made up about something, he'd come in and give me his two cents and turn my brain into goo again. This time was no different. He'd brought up some very good memories for me and I couldn't help but grin as I thought back.

* * *

"Where are you taking me?" I giggled as Mark dragged me through the loading dock of Joe Louis Arena.

"You said you wanted to see what I did for a living didn't ya?" He smiled and yanked me to him to avoid my careening into a woman pushing a huge crate on wheels.

"I have seen what you do dear." I patronized. "I watch Raw all the time." Mark shot me an annoyed look and flicked me behind the ear before bending down to kiss me. I'll admit it I swooned. I swooned every time that imposing creature bent down and touched his lips to mine and he knew it. I could see it in his eyes as pulled back. Sure, we'd only been dating a few months and with his schedule it actually evened out to about one whole month we'd been able to spend alone together but we were inseparable.

"Yeah, but you haven't seen it from this side." He was smirking, a playful light dancing in his gorgeous green eyes and I knew I was in trouble. Before I could mention it however, Mark was waving and exchanging good-natured insults with men so big I could only assume they were his coworkers.

I followed along behind him dumbly taking in the chaos of the impending show. My God, it was like the biggest most hectic circus I'd ever seen! Everywhere he led me there were men and women carrying cables, barking into walkie-talkies, stretching muscles, and being fitted for last minute costume changes. It was great! The excitement was so contagious I found myself wanting into the club.

"This is insane." I chuckled as Mark wrapped an arm around my shoulders and guided me around a group of people wearing black shirts with cameras around their necks. I could only assume it was a photographer's meeting.

"Baby girl just wait til the show starts." He grinned down at me and angled me toward a door. Before I could ask where we were going, Mark threw open the door and shoved me inside. "Woman on the deck!"

I couldn't speak; my muscles seemed to lock up without me as I watched at least a dozen half men in various states of undress dive for lockers and toward the showers.

"Damn it Mark!" The largest of them bellowed as he ran, wrapping a towel around his hips, for the showers.

"Sorry guys!" I finally managed. "I had NO idea he was gonna do that!" My face was so hot I was sure it was as red as a stop sign. I took a deep breath and turned to escape but Mark's gigantic bulk was blocking my way. I ducked to one side but he caught me and pulled me to his chest.

"Glen get your big ass out here and meet my girlfriend!" He bellowed and the laughter in his words vibrated under my cheek.

"Girlfriend?" I blurted looking up at him, my chin resting on his chest.

"Is that a problem baby doll?" He asked suddenly serious. My heart fluttered in my chest as I shook my head. It was definitely a moment. It was the first time he'd used the word 'girlfriend' and it was like a breath of fresh air.

All the time we'd spent together had been great fun. We laughed together, we enjoyed the same things, we talked about everything, but he'd never expressed any interest in a relationship…until this very public declaration. Suffice it to say, I was pretty damn happy about it.

"GIRLFRIEND?" A big voice bellowed a split second before the shower room door flew open and a man bigger even than Mark strode out wearing black and red tights. "You went and got a girlfriend?"

"Yeah, and you can't have her." Mark laughed and shook the big man's hand. "This is Adrian."

My heart skipped slightly as Glen swung his huge smile on me and held out a hand. "It is so great to meet you." He said and held his hand out to me. His enthusiasm was so infectious I couldn't help but smile back as he nearly shook my arm off my body.

"You too." I laughed. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Funny…he hasn't mentioned you." Glen laughed, cocking his head in a very Kane-like manner, his long curly hair falling over his face. Mark grunted and elbowed him in the ribs.

"He lies by the way." Mark assured me as Glen gasped. "Or it could be that he doesn't listen."

"I listen!" The bigger man whined playfully. Mark shook his head and moved past him to drop his bag on a bench.

In the three or so seconds he was gone, I got swarmed by men bigger than most cars with hugs and greetings and names I was sure I'd never remember. All of them were so happy to see me. It was weird. Every one had something to say about Mark's prickly disposition and my tentative ability to do something about it.

"C'mon now…back off ya damn vultures." I turned to see him pushing a hole through the men to get to me. "Mine." He barked at them once he'd snaked a protective arm around my shoulder.

"Asshole…" Another of them muttered teasingly as he walked away.

"Bradshaw don't make me…"  
"Excuse me Taker?" The whole locker room stopped and turned. I felt bad for the poor guy with the clipboard as he walked through the door. His face went three shades lighter.

"Whatcha need?" Mark turned and accepted a sheet of paper. The stagehand disappeared as he read it.

"What's that?" I asked standing on my toes to see. Mark glanced over smiling then kissed me.

"Boss wants me." He said before turning to Glen. "Hey you got some time?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Take care of my girl for a bit could ya? I've gotta make an appearance in the office." Glen smiled so widely I though his face was going to stick.

"You can trust me Deadman." He laughed and wedged himself between us, throwing an arm around my shoulders.

"Why don't I believe that?" Mark grumbled and fixed his friend with a stern glare. Glen patted him on the shoulder and began pulling me toward the door. "Hey, if he touches you let me know and I'll kill him!"

"Where's your faith man?" Glen laughed and winked down at me before shutting the door pointedly behind us.

I didn't see much of Mark before the show. He was being run around for costume fittings and last minute plot changes but Glen was a riot to be around. He kept me laughing and made me feel so comfortable that I was joking with the rest of the talent in no time.

What an odd group it was. As far as I could tell the whole show went on at breakneck speed but the guys and even a few of the Divas were easy going and after an introduction, a handshake, and a good natured rib, were more than willing to talk and make friends.

"Hey Adrian, I've got to go finish getting ready for our match. Did you want me to take you somewhere you could see the show?" Glen asked leaning over my shoulder as I sat at a table with a two blonde Canadians with a sense of humor remarkably like mine.

"Oh! Yes! Definitely." I said standing and saying good-bye to my new friends. As we wandered out, I was told in no uncertain terms that I had to put up with whatever Mark threw at me just so I could come back. It was…nice.

Because of Mark I'd found a troupe of people weirder than me. It was nearly liberating. I'd spent so many years keeping to myself with the exception of Casey and Brian and their teasing that I forgot what it was like to have people really just see me. By the time Glen had led me to the area just inside the curtain on the stage I was smiling bigger than I thought possible.

"Stay put." Glen told me, handing me a water bottle. "Mark or I'll be through here shortly." I nodded and hopped up on a crate.

"I'll stay here." I reiterated. Glen nodded and jogged off down the hall, waving as he turned a corner. Sighing heavily, I glanced around at the behind the scenes chaos and the smile broke through again. The show was nearly over and the tempo wasn't quite as crazy but it was still amazing to watch. There were so many people each one moving around the others with a purpose. It was almost like it was choreographed. Everyone knew their jobs so well. It blew me away.

"Excuse us." I glanced over and hopped down as two men wheeled up a huge chopper. I grinned as one of them took a cloth to it quickly and hurried away. I walked around it in awe. Sure, I knew who's bike it was, I'd seen so many of them on TV but seeing it up close and personal was exhilarating. The magic of the show was weaseling its way into my blood. Mark was right, I definitely needed to see it from his point of view.

"Like it?" I jumped at the familiar rasp behind me and turned.

My breath caught in my throat at the sight of him. Mark always looked about the same. If someone didn't know he was famous he'd be the quintessential biker but as he walked down the hall toward me it seemed just a bit bigger than life. His long hair up in a half ponytail and fell like an auburn wave over his shoulders. He was carrying a leather trench coat draped over one magnificently bare arm and he was smirking at me as I ogled his bike.

"I see something else I like more." I smiled, my tongue poking out to wet my lips.

"Good. I'd hate you to leave me for the bike." He rumbled and stepped toward me, his arm circling my waist and pressing me to his chest. "One for good luck?"

I smiled broadly and leaned in meeting him half way and nearly swooned again. Kissing Mark was like the first taste of chocolate after a long boring diet. He was truly intoxicating.

Pulling back to get another look at him I had to bite my lip. "Are…you wearing eyeliner?" I asked and stifled a giggle as he blushed.

"Looks good for the camera baby girl." He grumbled and took a deep breath turning away from me to glare down the hallway. "You seen Glen? He's gonna miss our cue."

"He said he was going to get ready." I offered and hoisted myself back up on the crate. Mark nodded and swung the trench coat over his shoulders. I couldn't breathe as I watched the leather settle around his massive shoulders and swirl around his ankles. He was such an imposing figure on a normal day but as he slowly readied himself to become the Undertaker the power that radiated off of him was virtually tangible.

"Ready?" Glen grinned skidding around the corner and walking toward us. His long curly hair was wet and hanging past his shoulders. He'd retrieved a tank top made of buckled straps and mesh and was carrying his trademark mask as he loped over.

"I was startin to think you weren't coming." Mark smirked with his hands on his hips. Glen chuckled and waved off his worry with laugh and walked over to hug me.

"Are you havin fun sweetie?" He grinned down at me with a playful gleam in his eye.

"She was 'til you showed up." Mark grumbled from behind him. Glen turned his head to retort but stopped short to greet two men I assumed were their opponents for the evening.

"Hey Jay, hey Adam!" I called smiling once I recognized my two new Canadian friends from catering, and jumped up to greet them. "You're gonna get your asses kicked aren't you?"

"Naw…" Glen assured me. "We'll take good care of them." Mark nodded his agreement and shook each of their hands before music began to blare from the speakers in the arena and the blonde men disappeared through the curtain.

"You're next." Mark said and pushed Glen playfully toward the curtain. The big man wrinkled his nose and slid on his mask.

"See ya out there." The big man chuckled and cocked his head theatrically to one side.

The boom of his pyrotechnics made me jump and giving us a thumbs up, Glen pushed through the curtain.

"I guess that means its show time huh?" I giggled and wandered back over to hoist myself back up onto my crate. Mark nodded and swung his big leg over the bike.

I could only watch as he tied a blue bandana over his hair and slid on a pair of sunglasses. As I sat there, Mark took a deep breath and lowered his head briefly. I was awestruck with the magnitude of the entire evening but this one moment, I would remember for the rest of my life.

Slowly, his head came back up but it wasn't Mark sitting there anymore. It was the Undertaker. His entire demeanor was different. Gone was the easy going, playful man I'd come to think about when he was gone and instead the persona that had frightened and awed so many for so many years sat in his place.

I couldn't bring myself to speak as I heard his music cue up and the crowd out in the arena explode. A slight smile played across Mark's lips as he kicked over the bike and revved the engine. "See ya on the other side baby girl." He called over it and pulled down his glasses to wink at me, and then he was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

The warm Texas sun woke me and I groaned. I fell asleep in the damned chair on the deck and my body was protesting my choice of sleeping arrangements. The phone was still in my hand as I got up and attempted to stretch the myriad knots and kinks from my body before heading back inside. The message light was blinking again but I didn't pay any attention to it. The tabloids had gotten wind of our situation and early in the morning they liked to try to call to catch me off guard. Of course, I had nothing to say to them.

I felt so empty as I walked through the house looking at all the things that were inherently Mark. The house was done over in a very rustic Native American feel that lead back to his Cherokee blood and it made my heart lurch every time I walked past it. The comfort it brought me hurt more than I was willing to admit.

Everything that was Mark hurt right now. Everything.

The warring sides of me made sure nothing around me brought me any measure of comfort. Every time I sat on the couch or got in a shower, a memory of something we had done together invaded my memory to make me smile. A split second after however, the memory of the night in Kansas City would sneak in and I would see the shock on his face and hear the blonde in the bed with her perfect body say, "who the fuck is she?" again.

Perfect fucking blonde. God the thought made me want to throw myself in front of a bus. Never in my life had I been accused of perfection. That was always Casey's department. I had however; come leaps and bounds in feeling better about myself. Until recently that is.

Mark always teased me about the way I agonized over my weight, and my height, and my looks, everything. I've never been supermodel thin. I never will be and at a whopping five foot seven my one hundred and seventy pounds was enough to send most nutritionists and personal trainers running for the hills. Granted, I'm not in bad shape. How do you live with a man like Mark and let yourself go? I'll tell you how, you don't.

My husband is in phenomenal shape. There's very little disputing that but he is also very lazy. If he doesn't have someone to keep an eye on him, he'll conveniently 'forget' to work out. That being the case I became a work out buff and my one hundred and seventy pounds were and still are solid muscle. I'm not a typical Diva though, and seeing all the women that cuddled up to Mark when I'd make my way to the bathroom in a bar or when we'd go out to eat, I really wished I was so I tried to get it.

Thinking back on it, I've got to laugh. All through my younger years I was oblivious to the typical teen angst weight issues. I did my own thing and I was fine with that. I left the debutant crap to Casey. She was good at it, she thrived on it and I was her buffer between the Cosmo brainwashing and real life.

I shook my head and looked around. I was back in the kitchen again. How the hell did that happen? I don't know but considering it just after dawn I decided breakfast was a good plan and set to rummaging around my cupboards. Nothing jumped out at me so I snagged a box of cookies and went back to my couch/nest and started flipping channels.

About half way through an episode of the Surreal Life I'd seen seven or eight times before, the phone rang and nearly sent me through the roof. The morning had been so quiet and so peaceful I'd almost forgotten how truly depressed I was. That is, until I answered the phone.

"Hello?" I chirped fairly normally.

"Hey darlin." Immediately, my oh so fragile mood shattered and the lump returned to my throat.

"Hi." I breathed and actually felt him relax a bit. "What do you want?"

"Same thing I always want baby girl. I want ya to talk to me." Mark said and his voice was shaking almost as much as mine was. That sound tore at my heart. The thought of my husband crying was so alien that just to hear it through the phone sent my brain into overdrive.

Sighing, I let my face fall into my hand and curled up into a protective ball in my blankets. "Look, I've got nothing to say to you. I saw it with my own eyes. I can't even pretend it didn't happen." I said evenly, my tone very matter-of-fact and it seemed to do something to him.

"Jesus Christ Adrian! What can I do?" He spat then took a shuddering breath. "Yell at me! Hit me! Somethin darlin!" I shook my head and choked back a sob. The pain in his voice was so thick, so raw. The wife in me begged the rest of me to put aside the trouble and comfort him but I couldn't do it.

"I…can't do this." I sobbed and curled up tighter. "I can't deal with this."

"Baby girl…please." He whispered, his tone softer. "Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."

"Why couldn't you take off with one of your fucking groupies? Why did you have to make me love you?" I screamed. He wanted me to yell and for the first time, I felt obliged to do it.

"I…I don't want them Adrian!" He came back with equal fire. "I married you!"

"Then why are we even having this conversation? Why did I run out of a hotel in Kansas City Mark? Explain it to me!" That got his attention. All at once the sound from the other end stopped dead. For a long time I thought he'd hung up but with a little concentration I could make out ragged breathing.

"Darlin…I…can't explain myself. I was weak and stupid." He finally said but there was no power behind his voice at all. "Give me a chance to show you I'm still the man you married."

"All those nights Mark…" I cried into the phone. "All those nights I watched the fans crawl all over you I thought you were just being polite."

"Adrian…"

"No! How many others were there?" I was talking over him but this was what he wanted. He wanted my wrath I'd give it to him. He wanted to know what I was thinking? Well this was it unadulterated and uncut.

"None… I swear." He said defeated. "I swear to ya baby girl."

"Stop calling me that!" I screamed. His little pet names seemed so patronizing anymore. Once upon a time they made me feel special but no more. It grated on my nerves to hear him call me 'baby girl' because I was sure he was using it to make me break. He wanted it to remind me.

"Angel…Adrian please!" He wept and it broke my heart. "How can I prove it to ya?"

"You can't Mark." I said simply. "I feel like such a fucking idiot! All those times I thought I was special…"

"You are special…I'll take an oath on it. I don't want anyone else." I didn't have anything else to say so I just sat there and tried to get control of my breathing. I was dangerously close to hyperventilation and the last thing I needed was him thinking something had happened to me. He'd send in the cavalry faster than I could blink. "Baby…" I heard him curse before he started again. "Remember the first time you got a look at what I deal with? What'd I do? What'd I do every time?"

"I've gotta go." I managed miserably. "I've just gotta go."

"Adrian, tell me. I need to know you remember some of the good." He pressed harder. The urgency in his voice was sickening.

For half a moment I couldn't help but feel a bit of pride in that. My husband, the indomitable Undertaker was thrown off his perfect game and it was all because of me. It was all because he cared enough to drop the front for me.

"I remember god damn it." I groused and resisted the urge to throw the phone into the TV. "Now let me go. I can't talk to you right now."

"I love you." He said and hung up.

The minute I heard the line go dead I wanted to call him back. Damn it I hated the way my mind worked. Then again, maybe it wasn't my mind. My heart was the part that got me into the most trouble.

The truth was, I did think about the good. I thought about it obsessively. I had to know that I hadn't been a complete moron. I had to know I wasn't crazy to have wasted six years of my life. Suddenly, I was staring thirty in the face and what did I have to show for my life? Nothing. I had nothing at all. There were a lot of times however, when I was so sure everything I'd given up was worth it.

* * *

"Hey, it's me. I'm so hopelessly lost." I chuckled into Mark's voice mail. The guys were doing a show in Toledo and Mark had called me to see if I could meet him at a bar after the show. It was only about forty-five minutes away from my place but I had sorely underestimated my ability to follow directions. Either that or I had overestimated his ability to give them. "Call me back when you get this." Flipping shut my phone I tossed it on the seat next to me and squinted through the pouring rain to catch a glimpse of a street sign. Nothing was forthcoming.

Muffling a curse, I glanced in my rearview mirror and wrenched my car to the left. I was so late…so very late it wasn't even funny. There was a good chance I'd missed them all together but I wouldn't know until someone called me back.

Sighing heavily, I stopped at a red light and glared at my inert cell phone on the passenger seat. I REALLY needed it to ring.

Predictably, it rang as soon as the light turned green.

"Hello?" I barked and tried to cradle the cell between my ear and shoulder while still attempting to monitor the street signs.

"Where are you?" Mark was laughing and judging from the background noise he was still at the bar.

"I have absolutely no idea!" I chuckled and screamed something vicious at an SUV that cut me off. "You really need to learn to give directions man."

"Alright…hang on." He muttered and I heard the bar sounds recede. "Okay, I'm outside. What do you see?"

Sighing I turned down a side street and relayed the information from the sign. Immediately, Mark started laughing. "Make a left darlin and keep your eyes peeled."

"I'm that close eh?" I asked dryly. Mark's mirthful laughter told me exactly what I feared. Damn it.

"I'll see ya in a minute." He continued and hung up.

Grumbling I chucked my phone back into it's seat and pulled back out into traffic. I made the obligatory left and kept on until the place came into view. Yep, Mark was right. I was about a mile away.

The place was a mad house with huge bay doors rolled up to let the motorcycles roll in. Mark had talked about Headliners before. In the summer time bikers tended to frequent it because of the live music and the fact that if you were early enough, you could roll your bike right up inside.

Given the rain, I didn't expect much. Boy was I wrong. It took me nearly twenty minutes to hunt down a parking spot and another ten to persuade the drunk woman wandering around in the rain that I had not stolen her car before I could even make my way inside.

By the time I did, I looked like a drown freaking rat and my mood was firmly planted in the shitter and it didn't get any better as I walked up to my guys. Glen saw me first.

"Adrian! Where have you been girl?" He laughed and lifted a brunette off his lap to hug me. As he wrapped his big arms around me, I let my eyes glide over the rest of the boys and realized something. Every single one of them had a supermodel hanging on them.

"I was…lost." I sighed and wiped my wet hair out of my face. I couldn't take my eyes off of Mark and the ring rat that was attempting to work her way into his lap.

"Glad ya made it." Glen smiled and moved back to his seat.

"Hey baby girl." Mark said sheepishly when I made my way to him. The blonde wearing next to nothing beside him didn't miss a beat. Her hand slid its way down his chest. My eyebrow went up.

"Looks like you've been busy." I sniped. I knew it was mean and probably unfair but walking in on my boyfriend with another woman pawing at him was not the way I wanted to begin my evening.

"No, not at all." He grumbled and made to stand.

"Where ya goin Taker?" She slurred and leaned further over him.

"Remember what I told you?" Mark grumbled and pushed her back toward the chair beside his. "That seat's taken." Before she could slide back over him, he stood up and wrapped me tight against his chest. Immediately, all the anger and frustration I'd felt since I got lost in Toledo melted away.

"Who's that?" The same drunken shrillness sounded behind me. Mercifully, Mark ignored her and tipped me back, planting an earth-shattering kiss on me. "_That's_ who you said you were waiting for?" She went on and grabbed Mark's shoulder while she spoke.

All at once, he let go of me and grabbed her hand. "I been tellin you since you invited yourself to sit with us that I was waitin on my girlfriend. Don't you dare disrespect her in front of me." He growled and I felt a surge of pride I didn't think possible. All I could do was grin stupidly and watch the drunken ring rat's mouth open and close like a fish out of water.

"But she's…" The bitch actually winced. "She's fat."

"Excuse me?" I blurted with more indignation than I actually felt and took a step toward her. Compared to her, hell yes I was fat. She looked like concentration camp survivor with breast implants. "What did you just say to me you bitch?"

Haughtily, she stepped back and crossed her arms with a swish of her hair. "What the hell did you do to pull Taker huh? Do ya give good head sweetie?"

Mark grabbed my arm and pulled me behind him before I could speak. "Hell yes she does darlin but that ain't why I'm with her." He smirked and tucked me firmly against his side. I couldn't help the grin plastered across my face as the blonde continued her dying fish routine. Her mouth just opened and closed while she blustered, reaching for something witty to say.

"Stupid fat bitch…" She finally managed and looking back on it now I can laugh. It wasn't exactly Mensa material but at the time it hurt like hell.

At that moment, I thought for sure I'd be bailing Mark out of jail. I've seen him get angry in the ring but it's nothing compared to the real thing. Slowly, he let go of my waist and stepped closer to the groupie.

"Mark, c'mon…let it go." I tried, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I don't care what she says about me."

He shook his head, a bare twitching of his neck muscles told me this wasn't going to be over so quickly. "I do." He growled, that soft Texas drawl I loved so much turning menacing enough for Glen to stand up.

"Taker…" He cautioned. "You will go to jail." Mark's face pinched as he looked over at his friend.

"I am not gonna hit her you moron." He grumbled. "She ain't worth it but no one disrespects my woman in my presence."

"C'mon Taker." She laughed and leaned in, hoisting her boob job up into his line of sight. "I'll show you what a real woman can do. I bet this one gets winded before you even get started."

Suddenly I wasn't so sure Mark wasn't going to hit her. His fists were balled up and white-knuckled at his sides as he glared at her.

"Hey…drop it. I didn't come here to fight." I said, attempting again to diffuse him. With a deep breath he turned his smoldering green gaze on me and for a split second I swear my heart stopped. There was a rage behind them briefly that would've given any one of the men at that table pause but then it was gone, replaced with a softness that made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. Damn it felt good to have him so protective of me! How many women can say someone like Mark had gone to bat for them? Who knows but at the time I felt like the only one…ever.

With a slight rising of his eyebrow he turned back to the blonde. "Apologize to her."

"What?" She blurted and gave me a harsh once over. "I don't think so."

I heard Mark take a deep breath as he stepped closer to her. She was taller than me but next to Mark she still looked like a child. "I said apologize to my girlfriend or you can leave on your ass."

"I thought you weren't gonna hit me." She snipped and planted her hands on her bony hips. Wow the little trollop was ballsy!

"I'm not…but she will." He smiled and jerked a thumb back at me. I took my cue and stepped up grinning. Then, as if the Fates had declared it my day I watched her bleary blue eyes widen in something close to recognition.

"I…know you." She gasped and glanced back toward Mark and the audience that was forming. "She…she's…"

"Which one are you goin for sweetheart?" I asked patronizingly. "The black belt or the bar?" I figured it like this, either A, I'd thrown her or her friends out of the bar I briefly bounced at or B, her boyfriend was a martial arts aficionado. I'd happily take either.

"I…saw you on TV." I nodded.

"The black belt then." A couple of years before I'd gotten a brief bit of notoriety in a K1 tournament. I was the only female Muay Thai fighter in the contest. I didn't win, but I did put a hurt on more of the men than the commentators had thought possible. I couldn't help but laugh. Ah the good old days…

Oh it was truly beautiful! The blonde, in all her bar ho finery looked like a chastised kindergartener.

"C'mon Taker…" She whined with her eyes on me but the indignation and resentment were gone from them and had been replaced by something close to fear. Good. She deserved to be afraid.

"Get out of my sight." He chuckled and waved a patronizing arm in her direction. "You didn't have a chance from the time you stepped up. I told ya."

"But…" She went on and Mark's eyes flared in my direction.

"I believe he said no." I reiterated.

Apparently my voice was less welcome than Mark's rebuking. Out of nowhere, her bleary eyes locked on me and she lunged. I'll admit it, I was caught off guard and went tumbling to the ground beneath her. Once I got my bearings however, I made good on my short-lived reputation.

"Get OFF me!" I grunted and dropped an elbow into her temple. The blonde squeaked and grabbed for her head. I wanted to hit her again. I wanted to make her bleed right then but Mark and the bouncers pulled us apart before I could try.

"She hit me!" She screamed as two large men in Headliners shirts dragged her back. "She fucking HIT me!" Every time she opened her mouth I winced. Her voice was about as charming as fingernails on a blackboard.

"Do me a favor and shut her up." I sighed and leaned on Mark. "She's giving me one hell of a headache." Immediately, he started laughing. "What?"

"I didn't really expect you to hit her baby doll." He went on chuckling but kissed my cheek. I shrugged.

"She didn't give me much choice."

"Nicely done." Glen said as he made it down to my end of the table. He was laughing too.

"She jumped on me!" I blurted and let Mark guide me into the chair he'd apparently been saving for me. Immediately I was greeted with a round of high fives and some good-natured ribbing. "So where're the drinks?" I said once everything had returned to some semblance of normalcy.

"Good God darlin, you never cease to amaze me." Mark laughed settling his tremendous bulk beside me and snaking his arm around the back of my chair.

"What? What'd I do?" I grinned and tucked my hair behind my ear in a pointedly innocent gesture. He didn't buy it. I broke out laughing as that red eyebrow elevated slowly.

"Never mind…" He muttered shaking his head and waved a hand to flag down a waitress for me.


	4. Chapter 4

Jerking awake I nearly fell off the couch. My eyes hurt. They were so puffy everything around me was blurred. Damn him… I hated that he made me cry. I hated so much just then I couldn't function. All I did was sit there seething and wiping at my tired eyes. Why couldn't he just let me be? Why didn't he just tell me he was bored and ship me back off to Detroit? God that would've been hard but not as hard as all this!

Sighing I shook my head and glanced over at the TV. Infomercial… I slept all day again. Fuck me…

I climbed off the couch and winced. After I'd hung up with Mark I'd fallen into a hysterical crying fit and curled myself into a tighter ball on the couch. Apparently I hadn't moved since. My whole body felt like one giant knot.

Well, there I was, four o'clock in the morning and wide-awake. What is a girl to do when her life is falling apart and the world is silent around her? I sure as hell didn't know but a shower sounded good.

That thought fresh in my mind, I made for the bathroom.

Sighing, I got the water going and stripped out of the pajamas I'd been wearing for the last three days and stepped inside. Immediately the water seemed to rejuvenate me. The shampoo and conditioner really sealed the deal as well and by the time I got out I felt like myself again.

For the first time in three weeks I didn't feel the anvil on my chest or the tightness in my shoulders. I felt like Adrian and I was ready to kick some ass. The ass in question belonged to my husband.

Wrapping myself in a huge towel I stalked into the bedroom and yanked the phone off the cradle. I felt…determined. I had questions that I needed answers to and I needed them now. No matter that it was edging close to dawn and I couldn't even remember where he was.

My heart jumping into my throat, I dialed and sat back against Mark's pillows. Oh the third ring, he picked up.

"Adrian?" He asked and sounded breathless.

"Yeah." I managed and realized that this was going to be much harder than I had originally anticipated.

"Are you okay?" He sounded confused.

"No, I'm not but that doesn't matter right now." I breathed and swallowed my spleen. "I've got some questions for you."

For a long moment Mark was quiet. I wasn't sure if he was nervous or if he was asleep but I pressed on anyway. "If you're busy I can…"

"No! No, I'm not busy. I was just…"

"Sleeping?" I finished for him and heard him chuckle. The sound melted my heart. For so long I'd lived to hear him laugh like that. It was a bare rumbling in his throat that sent chills through me. Now however, I was doing my best not to let that happen and was failing miserably.

"Yeah…trying to anyway." He yawned and I heard the bed creak. "Just let me get somewhere I won't wake up Glen."

"Why Mark?" I managed once he informed me he was on the balcony. He sighed heavily from the other end. "I need to know why you did this."

"I told ya. I was stupid and weak and it never should've happened." There was that sound in his voice again that I hated. That defeated, broken sound that made me want to forget everything and bring him home.

"That's not what I want to know." I stammered a bit. My voice shook. How the hell was I supposed to word this? I know what he'd told me. I know he was stupid and weak. That was all he'd told me from minute one. "I…guess what I need to know is…" I tried again and took a deep breath before finishing. "What did I do to push you to this?"

More silence from his end. Longer and thicker. My heart was thudding so hard against my ribs I thought they were going to break. I did it. I asked him the one question I'd been afraid even to think about on my own.

"Baby girl don't think that way. This had nothin to do with you at all. I was…I was a fool." He told me, his voice thick and angry. I wasn't sure if he was angry for my asking or angry with himself. I was reasonably sure it wasn't me he was mad at. Where the hell would he get off being mad at me after everything?

"Then what Mark? I've been wallowing for the last three weeks beating myself up and feeling so worthless because I had to have done something. I wasn't right for you after all. You found something you liked better. What was it?"

"No…no…no…" He said with a certainty I hadn't heard out of him in a while. "I told ya, this had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me."

"So what? You just expect me to believe you had a momentary lapse in judgment?" I nearly laughed. It was so ludicrous I couldn't help sniping at him.

"That's…basically what it was angel." He'd gotten control of his voice again. There was no emotion at all to be heard in him and that worried me.

"So I'm supposed to take you at your word that this horrendous thing that happened out of the clear blue for no discernable reason at all will never happen again?" Yep, sarcasm…my chief weapon. Mark hated it so much that he'd actually leave the house before he dealt with my biting remarks.

"When you say it like that it does sound pretty awful." He grumbled and I had to smile if only briefly.

"Mark it is awful!" I sighed exasperated. "The whole fucking thing is awful and a big part of me hates you right now for making me go through it."

"I hate myself for putting you through this!" He growled.

"Then why? Why did you do it?" It was all I could say. My stomach was wound up in knots again and my head was throbbing. Why did I think this was such a good idea? What could I possibly gain from this conversation? I didn't know but if I didn't ask the questions I'd eat myself up from the inside out.

"Because I'm stupid alright?" Mark spat but I heard him swallow back some tears. "I didn't think, I had too much to drink, and the fuckin blonde was all over me!"

That did it. My stomach rebelled and I had to streak to the bathroom to let go of the cookies I'd had earlier. Hearing him say the words made me want to close my eyes and never open them again. She was all over him…of course she was!

"You alright darlin?" He asked once I was finished and had rinsed my mouth out. Damn me for not dropping the phone on the bed before my mad dash.

"How can I ever trust you again?" I said answering him with a question of my own and crawled back to the bed.

"I…don't know." He said honestly. "Have Glen chaperone me everywhere?" There was a slight joking to the last of it and it made my heart flutter.

"Maybe…" I grinned and settled back into his pillows, surrounding myself with the scent of him and found it easier to think. "I don't think it's fair to him though."

Chuckling, I heard something creak again as he sat down. "Baby girl, tell me what I need to do and I'll do it."

Sighing I rubbed at my eyes. "I don't know Mark. I don't know if there's anything you can do."

"Anything…" The pleading in his voice hurt more than anything else he could have done at that moment. If he'd have said the twenty-year-old blonde was his soulmate I probably would have been more stable.

"Look, I've got to go…" I muttered. "It's late. I'm tired."

I heard him sigh heavily but he didn't argue. I was surprised. It was probably the first time he hadn't since everything had gone down.

"Alright darlin…" He said simply. "I love you. Don't ever think I don't. And…Adrian? Thanks for callin. Sometimes I just need to hear your voice."

What I wanted to say was _and sometimes I need to castrate you_…but instead I broke out with a wracking sigh. "G'bye Mark."

"Good night beautiful." And then he hung up.

For once I didn't feel completely dead after talking to him. Maybe it was because I took control of the situation for once and called him. Maybe not, but I didn't know for sure. I'd said my piece for the time being. The question at hand was, what did I do with myself now? I'd slept all day, I'd showered, and thoroughly upset my husband.

Sliding off the bed, I stood there in what had been our bedroom for the last six years and stared lost at all of our things. Jesus, Mark really was a slob. If it didn't have two wheels he didn't care what happened to it.

Idly I bent to picking up the clothes he'd left strewn about before he left for the road the last time. They'd been lying there for nearly a month. I hadn't even been in this room in that long but to get clothes and what I did get were my pajamas. Until now, I hadn't paid attention to any of it.

"Jesus Mark…" I muttered and began piling his stuff on the bed and felt strangely good about it. I felt more normal. I was doing what I always did and it helped me think or not think as the case may be.

Walking over I threw open his closet door to see what kind of shape he'd left it in and had to laugh. Hiroshima after the bomb was dropped was probably in better shape. How could he leave all his leathers in a pile on the floor? Shaking my head, I crouched down and dug them all out to be put on hangers.

Reaching back as far as I could without actually subjecting my body to the chaos, I felt something hard under my fingers. Frowning, I pulled it out and gasped. I knew the box. Silver and flat, inside was our wedding album. What was he doing with it? It should have been in the hall closet where it had been since the day we got it but instead, I found it secreted away in my husband's closet. What the hell?

Before I could stop myself, I'd picked it up and headed back to the bed with it. My hands shook as I opened it. I couldn't have said why, I knew what was inside but the idea of looking at it again made me slightly sick to my stomach. It didn't however stop my flipping back the cover.

Looking at the first picture was enough. I took one look at my happy face smiling out and slammed it shut. Yeah, it was too much. Looking at those good memories sent my brain spiraling directly back into that hotel room where everything ended.

Dropping the album back into its box I felt the stupid sadness trying to wash over me. Gah! I was so tired of it. Every little thing set me off and the constant roller coaster was killing me.

How did I end up here? How many chances did he give me to back out? Hundreds…easy but as soon as he said those words, I knew…I was stuck for the long haul.

* * *

"Hello?" Casey called from my front door. I set down the glass I was wrapping in the kitchen and made my way toward her.

"Hey!" I smiled and hugged her. As soon as she stepped out of my grasp, her blue eyes were dancing off of everything around her.

"This is it huh?" She asked somewhat wistfully and wrapped her arms around herself. "You're really leaving?"

Oh damn…I'd known it was coming but I was hoping we could get all my stuff into the truck first.

"Yeah, I'm down to packing the kitchen too. Everything else is done."

Sighing dramatically, Casey parked herself on top of a box and stared at me. "Are you sure about this?"

My shoulders slumped before my internal edit button kicked in and I watched her roll her eyes. She and I had had that same conversation at least a dozen times since I told her Mark had asked me to move in with him. To me, there wasn't a question. I wanted to be where he was and my frequent flyer miles were racking up like no body's business. Unfortunately, so were my credit card bills. Mark had offered to foot the bill but I couldn't let him. I didn't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I'd gotten by just fine on my own and I didn't need him to start taking over. SO…His brilliant idea was to move in together to save me all those thousands of dollars.

At first, I thought he was joking but when I laughed, he didn't. My God, Mark was serious. He was willing to uproot and bring his big redneck ass to Detroit. It blew my mind but of course, I couldn't let that happen. You can't take the cowboy out of Texas but the girl from Detroit was more than happy to get a taste of the big sky.

"Adrian? Are you even listening to me?" Casey's barking pulled me out of my rumination and back to the task of reassuring her again.

"Yes, I'm listening!" I laughed and squirmed a bit when she dropped those baby blues on me. "I was!" The look on her face said she still didn't believe me so I shook my head and headed back into the kitchen. She'd follow. She had more ranting to do.

"How can you just…move across the country?" She asked and set to wrapping glasses with me.

"Easily." I answered. "I love him and he wants me there. You'd move in with Brian in a heartbeat if he asked you to."

Casey frowned and dumped the newspaper-covered glass into a box with at least a dozen others. "Brian lives twenty minutes away. Not Houston."

"So what?" I was laughing at her malaise. I couldn't help myself. Since Mark and I had gotten serious she'd gotten more and more leery of our relationship and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I was happier than I'd ever been in my life and it seemed to needle her to no end.

Casey shot me another of her famous annoyed looks but moved on to my plates.

"So…Mark's meeting you here with a truck then?" She asked after nearly half an hour of silent packing.

"Yeah. He should be here any time. He called me from the airport just before you got here and said he was going to pick up a truck and head over to start hauling." Casey nodded but that was all. Damn it. I hated seeing her so sad.

"Case…Look, I'm doing this of my own free will." I said quietly and walked over to her. "No one's making me. He's not blackmailing me. I'm not pregnant." I threw the last one in there in the hopes of cracking her. It worked a bit. Casey's ethereally beautiful face crinkled into a mild semblance of a grin as she dumped another plate into the box.

"I just…" She began. "…don't get it."

"What's not to get?" I asked for the umpteenth time. "I've got a good thing here Case. It's all I've ever wanted and it's technically your fault." Casey rolled her eyes at me and shook her pretty blonde head.

"I wanted you to get laid…not move thirteen hundred miles away with some crazy redneck." She grumped and I sighed crouching down to tape up a box.

"This is so much better." I told her and couldn't help but smile. Every time I thought about the move I was about to make, I smiled uncontrollably. Sure, I was nervous…apprehensive…terrified but underneath all of it was this excitement I couldn't shake. I was finally doing what I wanted to do with my life. I was leaving Detroit for greener pastures and the man of my dreams. Yeah, it couldn't have gotten more out of character. Hell, the fact that I'd actually thought the words _man of my dreams_ was so completely out of character, Casey and Brian were considering having me committed. They were joking…I think…

"Adrian? Are you even listening to me?" Whoops, I guess I wasn't.

"Of course I am." I lied and tried to school my eyes to innocence. She didn't believe me.

"Then what'd I just say?" She retorted, her hand on her hips and her perfectly waxed and sculpted eyebrow raised.

"You were regaling me with reasons I should stay here and keep bartending until I eventually die of alcoholism." It was a wild stab in the dark but given Casey's one-track mind lately, it wasn't too bad a choice. Judging from the look on her face, I was right.

"Well…you don't have to go." She went on and my blood began to simmer a bit. Yes, I knew she didn't want me to leave and yes, I knew she thought I was being stupid and lovesick but I didn't care. I felt right about it.

"Casey…look…" I began but the soft creak of my front door redirected our attention.

"Case? Adrian? You here?" Casey smiled brilliantly.

"In the kitchen Brian!" She bellowed back and all but bounced up and down when he walked in.

"Hey gorgeous." He grinned and kissed her then looked around at the chaos that had been my tiny kitchen. "You're really doing it…wow."

I blushed. There was a fair bit of sadness in his voice as the realization set in. Sure, he knew he was supposed to come over and help me load the U-haul Mark was bringing but I was pretty sure the reality of my leaving hadn't set in until that moment.

"Yeah." I laughed sadly. "Just think, this time tomorrow you'll have your woman all to yourself whenever you want her."

"Ah hell Adrian…" Brian muttered and pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm happy if you're happy. Okay?" He told me, his blue eyes boring into me as he spoke. "You are happy right?"

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Yes. I promise I am happy. I would not uproot and disappear for something or someone that made me less than happy now would I?"

Brian laughed and shook his head. "No, I suppose not." He relented and looked around. "So…how much of this is going?"

Sighing I waved my arms around. "All of this stuff. Mark doesn't actually have kitchenware."

"Well how often is he home to use it?" Brian laughed and set to taping boxes. Casey didn't seem quite as amused.

"What else are you taking?" She asked and reluctantly went back to wrapping my glassware.

"Well, my clothes and a lot of the small stuff. He's got furniture and well, it's a lot nicer than mine." I laughed. "So I don't have to worry about lugging the big stuff."

"You mean I don't have to worry bout luggin the big stuff right?" My heart jumped at the deep baritone behind me and I spun around.

"When did you get here?" I grinned and walked over to Mark, kissing him quickly.

"Just walked through the door baby girl." He smiled and wrapped his big arm around my waist as he greeted Brian and Casey.

"You got the truck?" He nodded.

"How much we putting on it?"

I looked around and realized exactly how little there would be. For a second, it made me sad. I was giving up most of my possessions for this move. What if it was weird? What if I couldn't make myself comfortable?

I must've had a look on my face. Mark tipped my face up to his and frowned. "You know, it ain't too late to change your mind." Immediately I shook my head. "No, take a minute and really think about it. Do you wanna come to Texas?"

I could hear Casey's sharp intake of breath behind me and it grated on my nerves. I knew damn well what she was thinking. In her mind, this was my out, my way to stay with her and a little part of me felt bad that I wasn't going to take it.

"Mark, no. I've had weeks to back out and I didn't. I don't want to." I said and smiled. Looking into those green eyes I knew I was making the right decision.

"You're sure?" He asked again in that deep rasping voice.

"Yeah. I am."

Kissing me softly, he stood to his full height and rubbed his hands together. "Alright then, tell me where to start haulin."

"If it's in a box, it goes. What's left of the furniture stays." I informed him and went back stuffing newspaper in mixing bowls. Mark nodded and tapped Brian to help carry. Part of me was a little annoyed at Mark. He left me alone with Casey and I knew, _just knew_ she still had some rant in her. Instead of inviting it, I went over to the pans and started getting them boxed up and ready to go.

It had been blissfully quiet for nearly an hour before she mustered up her gumption to go at it again.

"Adrian…" She asked, her voice falsely light and carefree. I was not fooled.

"Yeah?" I returned but it was muffled by the cabinet my head was currently stuck in.

"What do you really know about him?" I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming.

"Casey…drop it please." Sighing, I tried to let it go and returned to digging out pots I hadn't used since I moved in. From inside, I heard my blonde friend's exasperated huff but she remained quiet and went to taping my boxes.

"Hey darlin, you're not bringin your dresser?" Mark asked as he wandered through the door. I extracted myself from the cupboard and looked a question at him.

"Where are we going to put it dear?"

"I moved stuff around for it. I know you love it." He grinned and my stomach dropped.

"You did?" It was all I could say. My dresser had been my mother's and my grandmother's before her and the thought of leaving it behind did not exactly tickle. "Well…" I went on recovering myself. "Load it up."

Mark nodded and wiped at the sweat on his brow. "You got it."

As he turned and walked out I couldn't help but smirk at the astonished look on Casey's face.

"See?" I gloated raising my eyebrow.

"Shut up." That was Casey at her finest. When in doubt, blurt something scathing. I just laughed and grabbed a roll of tape.

By the time we had everything packed and wedged into the truck, Mark had persuaded me to take my loveseat, a chair, my television, all of my stereo equipment, and both my bedside tables. And I'd thought I was getting off easy…

"That's everything isn't it?" Brian asked. I nodded and watched Mark pull down the back door of the stuffed U-haul. That final click sent a shudder through me and I got slightly light headed.

"Whoa…" Mark gasped and caught me when I staggered. "You okay?" Embarrassed, I nodded.

"I guess it's hotter than I thought."

"I told you to drink more." Casey admonished in her sing-song mommy voice.

"Keep an eye on her could ya?" Mark asked her and disappeared toward the cab of the truck. Obligingly, she walked over to stand next to me. I could feel the tension coming off of her in waves and I hated it. In all the years we'd been friends, nothing had managed to come between us, not men, not differing opinions, nothing but this thing with Mark had done it.

"Case…" I began turning toward her. "I know you don't like this but please, try to be happy for me." As I spoke I watched her baby blues soften and a little bit of the knot in my stomach eased up.

"I am happy for you." She whispered and looked up to hide the tears that were fogging up her eyes. "I just…don't want you to go away."

Hugging her fiercely, I fought back some tears of my own. "I won't be far. You can call any time. I don't care if it's three in the morning. You need me, you call me."

"It's not the same." She cried outright.

"We'll work it out. I promise." I hated tearful good-byes but she needed the reassurance and I was the only one who could give it to her.

"Here. Drink some of this." Mark said quietly and thrust a bottle of water between us. Gratefully I took it and looked over at him. He had his jacked slung over one shoulder. Odd considering it was still close to ninety degrees.

"What's that for?" I asked waving at it and downed half the bottle. He shrugged and leaned his hips against the bumper of the truck.

"Feel better?" He asked and yeah, actually I did. I was working toward rehydration and Casey seemed a bit more like herself.

"Thanks." I grinned and moved to hug him. Quickly, he stood up and motioned for me to stay put. "What? Do I smell?" Mark shook his head. There was something very serious in his eyes and I didn't quite know what to make of it as he stared at me.

"Darlin, I've been doin some thinkin." He began and sauntered toward me slowly with that stupid jacket still draped over his shoulder. "I can't tell you how happy I am that you're willin to do this with me but somethin still ain't right."

"Wha…what are you talking about?" I asked breathless and more than a little skeptical. Mark's serious face broke into a lopsided grin as he lowered himself down to one knee at my feet. Oh shit! My whole body went numb as I watched. Sure, I knew where this was going but I never expected it! The thought hadn't ever crossed my mind…

Finally, his hand emerged from beneath the jacket holding a black velvet box. Looking up at me, he lifted the lid. "What do ya say baby girl? Marry me."

I was so overwhelmed I couldn't speak! I stood there, my mouth hanging open like a dying fish gasping for a gillful of water. By the time I found my voice it was too late.

"NO! Hell no, she will not!" It was the angriest I'd ever heard Casey and actually lost my balance when she pushed between us.

"Casey!" I barked from the cement. "What the FUCK are you doing!"

Whipping around to face me, her eyes were crazed. She'd finally lost it, I was convinced. "You can't do that! You cannot marry…him!" She screamed waving her arm wildly at Mark.

"Yes! I can!" It was all I could think of to say. How dare she! How dare she ruin this moment for me? "You have no say whatsoever in who I marry!"

"No…you can't!" She went on raving. "Adrian, think about this! He wants to move you across the country, away from your family and friends, and now he wants to marry you! Doesn't that sound weird? If you marry him he'll have you for good! You'll never get away!"

I closed my eyes and counted to twenty before I opened them again. "Casey…that's the point of marriage!" I began and had opened my mouth to speak again when Brian cut in.

"Casey, stop." He said quietly and grabbed her by the arm to pull her away from me. Good thing he did too. Had she gone on I'd have probably hit her.

"No! Brian don't you see what he's doing!" She went on and I saw Brian sigh heavily before he pulled her back toward my empty apartment.

My heart was pounding so hard I couldn't hear anything over it. Outraged wasn't even the word for what I was. I felt so betrayed. Casey was supposed to be my best friend, the sister I never had but she'd happily spat in the face of the best moment of my life! How could she?

"Adrian…" My head shot up as Mark touched me softly on the shoulder. "Don't cry baby girl." I frowned and unconsciously touched my face. I'll be damned, I was crying.

"How could she do that?" I spat and fought the urge to hit something. Mark shook his head and pulled me tight to his chest. Immediately, I felt like I could breathe again. "Where does she get off?"

"She's just lookin out for you is all." I couldn't believe him. After all she'd said, he was sticking up for her. Glancing up I stared at him dryly. "In her own twisted way, that's what she was doin."

Shaking my head, I shrugged and flattened myself against Mark again. His immense bulk was a nice rock to lean on.

"Why can't she just be happy for me?" I whimpered and immediately hated it. In all the time we'd been together I'd never cried in front of him.

"She's afraid of the change." He continued to reason. "She'll get used to the idea." I just stood there and nodded. "That is, if you answer my question the way I hope you will."

My heart fluttered at the playful hope in his voice. He was trying to make me feel better…and it was working just a bit. "Yes."

"What?" He chuckled and pulled me back to look at me. I blushed and glanced slightly away grinning.

"Yes, I'll marry you."

"Yes…" Mark broke into a grin and scooped me up, spinning me around in a circle. "That's my girl!"

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I started to laugh. Of course I was going to marry him! I loved him so much and he went out of his way to show me how I made him feel as well. Commitment was the next logical step wasn't it? It was in my mind, so as he slipped the diamond on my finger, I felt the pieces of my life fall neatly into place.

Once he let go of me I stepped back and got a really good look at the ring. Wow, it was huge! It was so big I was afraid to wear it at all. "This is…too much." I wept, the emotional overload clogging my throat. Mark laughed softly and wiped at my puffy and oh so unattractive eyes with his thumb.

"No darlin, it looks perfect on you." He whispered against the side of my face. Shaking my head slightly, I looked up at him and let him lean in to kiss me. God the man was magic when it came to kissing. Every time he pulled me close my stomach would drop and the world around me would disappear.

Swooning slightly, I let him release me and fought the goofy smirk that was working its way across my face. Part of me resented the way he made me feel. I prided myself on my will of iron when it came to men but the big smiling redneck in front of me just…blew it all out of the water.

The moment was broken by the crunch of Casey's heels on the gravel walk outside my apartment. Immediately I stiffened and turned toward her. Well, at least she had the good graces to look cowed.

"Hey…" She said as Brian led her up to me.

"Hi." I responded flatly and wiped at my eyes again. I shouldn't have used my left hand. As soon as Casey saw the ring her eyes went hard.

"You're doing it." She said with no emotion whatsoever and swished her hair over her shoulder as she folded her arms. I didn't answer her. It was obvious and I'd be damned if she made me feel guilty about my choice.

"Casey…" Brian cautioned her but she shrugged out of his reach.

"No Brian. NO! She's ruining her life!" She spat and glared hard at Mark. "He's an old pervert looking to relive his youth with a younger woman!"

My eyes nearly popped out of my skull as I looked to Mark. To his credit, he looked completely unruffled as he leaned against the bumper. He was looking down at the concrete with a mask of blankness plastered on his face. Casey wouldn't see the hurt in it, but I did…and it pissed me off.

"That's enough!" I screamed at her. Casey flinched. "I've been quiet all this time while you bad-mouthed my relationship but I can't do it anymore! How dare you talk about him like that? You don't even know him! You've never even tried!"

"Adrian…" Casey stammered and held up her arms. This was definitely a first. Never in all our years of friendship had I raised my voice to her. "Calm down okay?"

"No…Hell no. I've been holding this in for too long because I knew it upset you but you don't seem to have a problem telling me how you feel so why should I bother anymore?" I could feel myself shaking. My eyes burned and my jaw was clenched so hard I could feel little spikes of pain shooting into my head. "You want to know what I think?"

"Aid…" She tried again, her voice trembling.

"I think you're pissed because for the first time, I'm doing something before you!" I growled. "You're fine as long as you get to be the center of attention. I'm not your fucking sidekick anymore!"

"Sidekick?" She blustered. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Casey's the popular one…Casey's the beautiful one…Casey's the class president…Where was Adrian for all of that! Huh?" I was raving but I couldn't stop myself. "In…your…shadow, that's where and now I'm doing the one thing you've always wanted but haven't ever been offered!"

"Stop it Adrian!" She cried but I shook my head.

"You've been with Brian since high school, has he even hinted at marriage?" It was a low blow to both of them and somewhere in the back of my head I knew it but I was determined to shut her up once and for all. "Has he ever asked you to move in with him? NO! He's content to stay where he is but Mark's not and he's willing to show it. You're so jealous it's killing you!"

"Alright, that's enough." Mark's soft baritone broke me out of my rage. Shaking my head, I got a bit of myself under control and looked at him. "Quit while you're ahead baby girl, before you say somethin you'll regret later."

"Yeah…" I began glancing tight-lipped back over at Casey curled in Brian's arms as she sobbed. "You're right, but it needed to be said." I heard Mark sigh behind me, then his fingers laced in with mine.

"Let's get goin. We've got a long drive." He continued his voice pitched low to keep me calm. I nodded and let him lead me to the cab of the U-haul. Once I was inside, Mark closed the door and walked back to Brian and Casey. I watched him in the rearview mirror as he talked to them. I couldn't tell what was said and to be honest, at the time I couldn't have cared less. My heart was in pieces. It had been alternately the best and worst day of my life and I didn't really know how to feel. I sat there, hunkered down in the cracked plastic seat with a numbness falling over me that did little to dispel the ache in my chest.

Wiping at my tired eyes, I saw Brian shake Mark's hand and nod, then Mark was heading back to the truck. Tearing my gaze away from the mirror and scooted down lower, toying at the ring on my finger.

"You okay baby girl?" He asked hoisting himself up into the driver's seat. I nodded but I don't think he believed me. Starting the engine, her reached over and squeezed my hand softly. "You sure you're ready to go?"

"Yeah…" I said but my voice was thick and I cursed it. "Let's get out of here."

Nodding, he put the truck in gear and took me away.


	5. Chapter 5

Glancing out the window, I saw the sun and groaned. I'd haphazardly shoved the wedding album aside and found the book I'd started months ago and never quite got around to finishing. The wee hours of the morning were easily my least favorite moments so I took the opportunity to get back into the story…take my mind off of everything I'd found out so far. That wasn't much all things considered. I still had questions swirling around in my brain but I didn't have the words just yet. Ah well, they'd come in time. Mark hadn't done anything but keep on with his denial of my culpability. Rationally, I knew he was probably right but the self-conscious, self-esteem impaired, part of me was working overtime to find a way to make it my fault. If it had been my fault, then I'd know what to do to fix it.

Stretching my sore body, I flopped down flat on the bed and sighed. No, I did not do this, any of it, and somehow that made it worse. Mark and I nearly always got along famously. We talked, we joked, we played. He was my best friend. Sure, we fought like any normal couple but I didn't think it was excessive.

When we'd gotten married, we'd made that hideously sappy promise to each other to never go to bed angry and in all the years we'd been together, we held to it. Honestly, he was better at it than me. I can hold a grudge with the best of them and no matter how trivial the matter I am always loath to admit defeat. Mark however, as imposing as he appears to be on television was always the first to crack a joke and make me laugh.

God I missed that.

Shaking my head, I dragged myself off the bed to the floor and sighed glaring at the album on the bed. It seemed like as good a plan as any to blame the book. The last thing I needed was a visual reminder of the good stuff we'd been through when everything else made it feel like a lie.

Making a pointed face at it, I chucked the book I'd been reading down beside it and wandered into the bathroom. Showers had quickly become my way of dealing with stress. Baths were great too but I always run the risk of nodding off and drowning myself. When Mark was home he'd check on me periodically and immediately start with the jokes when I'd ruin a book by falling asleep and letting it float.

So, a shower it was and the shower as usual, did more good than a comprehensive six-hour therapy session ever could. By the time I got out, Adrian was Adrian again and if I didn't think too hard on what was going on, life felt pretty peachy…

With my hair hanging wet and tangly down my back I wrapped myself in a big black towel and walked into the living room. The sun was pouring through the windows and I could see the trees rustling in the breeze. I had an urge I hadn't had in quite some time. I needed to go for a ride.

Dropping the towel on the floor, I sprinted back to the bedroom and changed into some old jeans, laced up my boots, threw my leather vest over my tank top, and headed for the garage.

My stomach lurched a bit when I saw his bikes sitting dormant next to mine but I was resolved, I wasn't about to let it ruin my mood. I'd had just about enough of that and wrapping my hair up into a knot at the base of my skull, I cinched my helmet tight.

Just watching the garage door creep up sent a jolt of excitement through me. There was nothing like the feel of the sweet Texas air whipping past me. It was freeing. It was freedom and I couldn't believe I'd let myself sit in the house and marinate in my own misery when I had a perfectly good Softtail in the garage begging me to just…go.

All thoughts of self-depreciation disappeared when I heard that engine growl into life. I was smiling as I dropped the bike into gear and eased out, down the driveway, and into the street.

Give or take two hours later I parked my bike in front of my favorite hiding place in the world. Bastrop Texas is the cutest little town I've ever seen and since I'd stumbled upon it one day it had become a bit of salvation.

In Houston, it was fairly well known that I was Mark's wife and it was hard to go anywhere without someone coming up and asking me to wish him well or wondering how he was going to do in this or that match. Sometimes they'd just want to shake my hand. Strange I tell you…strange.

In Bastrop however, I wasn't Mrs. Mark Calaway. I wasn't the Undertaker's wife. I was just…Adrian with the Softtail…connoisseur of coffee and fresh baked bread.

It felt good to push through the old fashioned wooden door of the bakery. I hadn't been out this way for quite a while and until that moment, I hadn't realized how much a part of my sanity it had become.

"Adrian…where have you been?" The jolly elderly woman behind the counter drawled smiling when she saw me. A grin broke across my face as I waved and tried to explain myself without giving out all the gory details. As per her normal nature, she waved me off and poured my coffee.

Taking it, I wandered outside and sat down at their one lonely table. Immediately all the stress and tension melted out of my shoulders as I relaxed into the chair and hooked my boot against the table leg.

This was one of my very favorite pastimes. There was no 'gotta go' here. It was just me, my coffee, my fresh baked croissants and traffic to watch roll by. Heaven I tell you.

Of course, no sooner than I'd dug into my breakfast, my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I asked without looking at the caller ID.

"It's hit the news Aid…" Casey's voice.

"What?" I blurted and felt all that therapeutic riding slip away like sand through an hourglass. The news? The real news? Oh god this was a nightmare… "What do you mean the news?"

Casey sighed heavily and I heard her sniffle. "I was flipping channels and I just caught the tail end. One of those tabloid shows is milking it for all it's worth."

"Casey…" I whined and fought back a wave of nausea. "What are they saying?"

"They didn't say anything about you but they said they had pictures of Mark and the blonde and she was willing to tell her side of the story."

"Shit…" It was all I could come up with and, truth be told, it seemed to sum up my feelings perfectly.

"I'm sorry Adrian. I'm sorry I'm the one telling you about this but you needed to know." Her voice was quavering and that made me feel a bit better. My Casey… Sure we'd had our share of knock down drag outs since Mark and I had started dating but it'd gotten sorted out and I couldn't have been happier for it. As different as we were, she was always my lifeline. She was always my rational half when I flew off the handle and I needed her now more than ever.

"It's…alright…" I sighed and attempted to squelch the rising panic. "It's not like you called them."

"I know, I know but I can't help but feel like it's my fault." Casey sighed. She never was good with bad news so I had to commend her for calling at all.

"Look…" I muttered and leaned forward propping my elbows on the table. "I've got to see if Mark knows anything about this."

"Yeah, alright. Call me later. I wanna know how you're doing."

"Okay. I will." I nodded and said good-bye. Immediately I shoved a croissant in my mouth whole. This was a friggin nightmare. Unfortunately it was a nightmare I wasn't about to wake up from. Chewing I sighed and swigged my coffee to help force it down and stared at my phone where I'd dumped it on the table. I had to call Mark. If he had anything to do with this…

Growling I shook my head. He wouldn't. Even if he'd hated me, he wouldn't go out of his way to trash his own reputation. At least that's what I kept telling myself. It was not my first reaction. My immediate response was to chuck my coffee cup into the street and never answer Mark's calls again. Luckily, I suppressed that urge.

Instead, I picked up the damn cell phone and dialed Mark's number.

He picked up on the third ring.

"Hey Angel." He said with a bit of shock in his voice. "This is…a surprise." Yeah, no kidding. I'd hit his button on my speed dial maybe once in weeks.

"Casey just called me." I began. "Your ring rat got herself on TV." I heard him breathing but he didn't seem to have much to say. Either he was as shocked as I was or he wasn't at all. "Do you…know anything about this?"

"How can you even think that?" He asked breathily.

"Hey, I used to think I knew a lot about you…" I half laughed.

"God damn it woman, I didn't have anything to do with this. I can't believe you'd even fucking think that!" Apparently my sarcasm was lost on him.

"I didn't say I thought you did this Mark!" I yelled over h is tirade. "I asked you about it didn't I?"

Reluctantly he agreed and finally settled down.

"What do you want me to do baby girl?" He asked and sounded tired.

"I don't suppose you've still got her number." I said dryly. Mark grunted unhappily. I was definitely going to have to put a lid on my acid tongue to get anything done. "Sorry."

"I suppose I deserve it." He admitted and swore under his breath. "I don't know how to fix this."

"I don't think we can. It's already out there." As I said the words the full magnitude hit me. "Holy shit…they're gonna camp out on the lawn."

Mark swore again. "Don't leave the house. You hear me? Stay inside. They'll go away eventually."

"I'm not even in Houston." I groaned.

"Well, where the hell are you?"

"Bastrop." I told him even though it really wasn't any of his business.

Mark chuckled. "Coffee huh?" I couldn't help but smile a bit.

"Yeah coffee." I laughed back and leaned back in my chair a bit more relaxed. It was as if that small joke had shattered a bit of the tension.

"I should've known." He said. I could hear him smiling and for once I didn't begrudge it to him. My head was reeling and that tiny bit of normalcy was something to cling to.

"What am I gonna do?" I groused and absently bit into another croissant. "I mean, how can I possibly get back into the ranch?"

"Stay put…I'll fly back and rent a car and…"

"NO." I blurted. "No way Mark. I'm nowhere near ready to see you."

"I see." He said tightly and blew out a heavy breath. "I was tryin to…I mean, I just wanted to help."

That tone was enough to melt me into a puddle of guilt. I groaned. "Mark…I know. I'm sorry. I just…"

"Ya can't. I got it." He muttered and I heard a thump. He was punching things again. So much for progress…

"Soon…I think." I managed. Anything to take that defeated tone out of his voice.

"Don't push yourself." He said quietly. "But I do miss you. I miss the hell out of you Adrian."

I had to close my eyes and bite my tongue to keep from reciprocating. Lord knows I wanted to but I just couldn't.

I took another drink of my coffee and grimaced. Great, as if the afternoon couldn't get any worse my coffee was cold.

"Don't think I'm deriving any pleasure out of saying no to you." I whispered.

"Then why keep sayin no?" Good question…at that moment I didn't have a good answer.

"Because…I'm still angry. I'm still hurt and hearing your voice is about all I can take without bursting into tears." There, that was honest. It was probably cruel but it was honest.

"Fair enough." He muttered then changed the subject abruptly. "How's Casey?"

"She's…good." I answered slightly taken aback. "Still planning her wedding."

Mark chuckled. "Good. I'd tell ya to give her my love but I'm probably on her hit list again."

I shook my head and sighed. I didn't think she was plotting his untimely demise just yet. In fact, she'd been oddly supportive of Mark though the whole thing.

"I think you're still okay in her book." I grinned. "You should call her maybe." The last part was met with hysterical laughter.

"Yeah, that's just what I need. I've been emasculated enough for one lifetime."

"She's not that bad." I was still grinning and I couldn't stop myself. "I think you racked up at least one get out of jail free card with that stunt you pulled back in Vegas."

"I dunno. It's no secret her loyalties lie with you."

"Mark, I don't think you realize the magnitude of what you did in her eyes."

"Maybe so but I ain't takin the chance." He laughed and my heart fluttered. Good God the conversation was almost normal. Mark's soft sense of humor had done it's job again. Somehow without my knowledge, my husband had put me completely at ease.

I'd forgotten how he could do that. Even before the incident, mark had been so busy with his comeback and everything that went with it that he was always tired…distracted. He spent so much time apologizing for his lest than stellar disposition that I had almost forgotten how often he made me laugh.

"I think you're worrying over nothing." I said giggling and he laughed with me.

"Yeah, I guess that was pretty spectacular."

"Oh there's that trademark modesty." I was laughing full out and it felt so good!

"I think I'm very modest." He pushed almost contritely. The humor in his voice was virtually oozing through the phone. "In fact, you can ask anyone and they'll tell ya."

"Put Glen on the phone." I burst out laughing again.

"Ask anyone but Glen…" He amended a little chagrined.

"Uh huh…that's what I thought." My voice held all the smugness and I-told-you-so I know better than to outright say.

"Maybe I will call Casey…" He grumbled but playfully. I laughed again. I won and I couldn't help but gloat again.

"Just make sure you bring up the Vegas trip enough to distract her from the matter at hand."

Abruptly, I heard Mark put his hand over the mouthpiece and my heart dropped. I'd been through this routine enough to know what was coming next.

"Baby girl…I've gotta get to rehearsal." He said and I practically mouthed the words along with him.

"Yeah, I figured." I was slightly angry with myself for being disappointed.

"Uh…did Casey say what show she saw that bullshit on?"

Damn, I had nearly forgotten I'd called for a reason. "No. I didn't think to ask either. I was a little upset to say the least."

Mark groaned then barked something away from the phone. "Alright. I'll give her a call and then see what I can do about fixin this."

"Okay…" I said and cursed the slight quaver in my voice. I didn't want to let him go. I was afraid that if I hit that end button the little bit of civility we'd obtained would disappear.

"Don't worry angel, I'll do what I can to keep you out of this. I love you." My throat squeezed shut at the last part and I had to swallow hard to make my vocal cords work again.

"Love you too…" I managed but just barely. God I hated that I meant it and even more that I lacked the will power to keep from saying it.

Mark sighed heavily and snarled again at whoever was ushering him to rehearsals. "Adrian, call Casey and have her come stay with you for a couple of days. Tell'er I'll fly her out if she needs a break from the flower arrangements. I don't want you sittin in that house alone right now." Wow…why hadn't I thought of that?

"Yeah, I think I might do that." I agreed but it sounded hollow even to me. Suddenly the idea of going back to the empty ranch left my stomach in one giant knot.

"Good. Call me with the details. I've uh…I've gotta go."

"Yeah, go on. I'll talk to you whenever."

"Tomorrow." He said with a tone I'd heard him use in the locker room when he gave the other guys no option but to do it his way. I hated that tone but I knew what he was trying to do.

"Maybe. Depends on how I feel."

"Close enough." He grunted. "Okay, I've really gotta go. Everyone's waitin on me. I do love you baby girl." And before I could say another word, he hung up.

I stared at my cell phone for quite a while willing it to ring again and despising myself for it. How is it that in the span of only a few days, I could go from hating his wormy guts to aching to hear his voice again? I disgusted myself at that moment. I was acting like the girls I made fun of all through high school and college. All those girls that sat pining by the phone waiting for some guy to call…Ugh…I never could understand that mentality but I'd started learning it.

Maybe I was just behind. Maybe I was a slow learner. Who knew? Staring at my phone though, thinking of what he'd be doing now that he'd hung up really brought the lesson home. It was physically difficult not to hit the redial button.

Immediately I clipped the stupid thing back on my belt and picked at the crumbs on my plate. Maybe Casey would come out. She'd only ever been out to our place once before and it was only a brief stop before she and Brian went back to Detroit from our impromptu part in Vegas. Mark had absolutely outdone himself that time…

* * *

"Hey…" I smiled as I stepped off the plane and let Mark lift me off the ground to kiss me.

"Hey yourself gorgeous." He laughed setting me down. "God I missed you." The sheer honestly in his voice made my heart flutter and the look in his eyes sealed the deal. Sighing, I leaned up and kissed him again the tension of the flight melting out of me in his arms.

"Missed you too." I smiled. "Thanks for getting me here." Mark shrugged and took my carry-on from me as we began making our way toward the airport exit.

"I'm not gonna get near home for nearly two weeks. I had to see you before then." God he was good with words. Sure the paranoid part of me was convinced he was trying to lull me into a false sense of security but I'd done a damn good job of squelching that side of my personality where Mark was concerned. He was my fiancé after all. That had to stand for something.

"Ah…that explains it." I nodded smiling. Mark stopped and cocked his head to the side.

"What?"

"You said you were Houston bound after this appearance." I said simply and saw something I was very unfamiliar with. Mark blushed and all but shuffled his feet. Strange. Very strange but then again, when you're set to marry the Undertaker you get used to strange.

"Yeah…uh…the schedule got changed. Storyline's been moved up." Was that waffling? It damn well might have been but I was in no mood to debate it. The flight that shouldn't have taken more than three hours had doubled itself with lateness and mechanical failure. All I wanted was a long hot shower and a drink or two.

"So what's the plan then?" I asked snaking an arm around his waist when a very petite brunette did a double take as Mark and I walked by. If he noticed, he didn't mention anything so I contented myself with shooting her a nasty look and kept on our way.

Mark sighed heavily against me and shrugged his huge shoulders. "I dunno. I got you here so I'm happy."

"I wanna see the Luxor this time. Every time I come to Vegas I say I'm going to go but I never make it."

"You? Ms. Obsessed with Egypt has never been to the Luxor?" He snorted and I slapped him on the arm. "Well, I think that'll be first on the list…After lunch."

"Don't you have a show or something today?" I laughed and let myself be tucked comfortably under his arm. Judging from the way Mark had pulled his baseball cap down low and picked up his pace said he was starting to notice the little entourage we were picking up. He shook his head and tried to make himself look smaller. I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing.

"What is your problem?" He muttered toward me.

"You are not invisible dear." I smirked and bumped him with my hip as we made it to the security checkpoint. Mark rolled his shoulders and growled down at me.

"I can try…" I couldn't help but laugh as Mark handed my bag across to the security guard. I was laughing harder at the look on the guy's face. Yeah, no question, he recognized Mark. His hands were shaking on the zipper of my backpack.

"Mr. Uh…Calaway…" He finally managed glancing up at Mark. I smirked and saw the color creep up both of their faces.

"Yeah?" He answered once he'd managed to compose himself again and looked up shifting his hat again.

"Could I maybe get an autograph?" Poor little security guard…I actually did feel bad for him. I got lucky; when I met Mark I didn't know who the hell he was. He was just some guy in a bar. Truth be told, if I had known he was famous I'd have made an ass out of myself for sure.

Finally I saw the showman come through and Mark smiled. "Yeah sure." He said taking a scrap of paper and a pen from the guy.

"Thanks…I really appreciate it." Funny, I had thought the guy was older but now that he was virtually bouncing from foot to foot with a goofy grin on his face he looked about twelve.

"Hey, no problem." Mark nodded handing the stuff back. Immediately the kid slid my bag, untouched, back to me and sent us on our way.

"Maybe I should try smuggling something next time you pick me up." I teased. Mark rolled his eyes as he directed me toward the door. "He didn't even look in my bag." The irritated look I got silenced me to that line of thinking but I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.

The heat hit me like a truck as we stepped outside. Sure, Texas was hot but it was different. Desert heat feels like opening an oven door and sticking your head in. It sucks your breath away and immediately you start sweating but you can't tell. It evaporates so fast that before you know it, you've turned into a little pile of ash on the sidewalk. It's by far my favorite climate.

"Oh God I missed this." I laughed sliding away from Mark's body and catching his hand.

"You like this?" He laughed shaking his head. "It's too fuckin hot." I had to stop.

"You're from Texas…" I said dryly and raised an eyebrow. Mark shot me a patronizing look and pulled me across the street to the parking garage.

"This is like steppin' into Hell baby girl." I shrugged and shook my head.

As we got to his rental, Mark clicked the button on his keys unlocking the door and let me in. I let out a long breath as I settled into the leather seat. It was cooler than the air outside but not by much. No sooner than Mark hopped in did he kick the air up to high and aim us toward the Strip.

"Where are you guys staying?" I asked absently as I watched the massive casino hotels go by.

"Most of us are over at the Hard Rock." He told me and laid on the horn as we were cut off by a Porsche. I nodded and settled back. After being walking out into the heat, the cold air hitting my skin was making me sleepy.

I must've dozed off. Mark's hand on my cheek jerked me back to consciousness and I smiled at him. "Are we here?"

"Yeah Angel time to get settled."

I climbed out of the truck and tried again to catch my breath. God it was hot. Crazily hot. Unsafely hot but Mark wasted no time getting inside and up to the room.

"Uh…what the hell Mark?" I asked and giggled as he held the door for me. Sure, Mark made a lot of money but he wasn't the type to throw it around on the road. More times than I could count I'd seen a credit card receipt from a Super 8 or a Motel 6. I never understood it but he would always shrug and say he had better things to do with what he made. This room however, was insane.

The room we walked into had a massive wrap-around sofa sitting across from an equallyl massive entertainment center complete with DVD player and more stereo equipment than I'd ever seen in one place. To the right of the door sat a desk with Mark's laptop and a chair that would've been more at home on the bridge of the starship Enterprise.

Glancing over my shoulder at him I dropped my bag and pushed through the door off the kitchen. Yes, I said kitchen. "Good lord…" The bedroom was almost bigger than the living area and the bed was the biggest King I'd ever seen.

"California King." Mark's voice sounded behind me. I turned toward him and smiled. "Hot tub in the bathroom."

"What's all this for?" I asked, incredulous laughter obvious in my voice. Mark gave me his typical non-committal shrug.

"I knew you were comin so I did something special." He said and I rose up on my tiptoes to kiss him. "I take it it's alright then?"

"You're crazy. I'd have been fine anywhere." I laughed then yawned. Mark frowned at me and scooped me up in his arms. "What are you doing now?"

"You're tired." He said simply and carried me over to the huge bed. When he set me down I sunk deep into the down comforter and virtually purred. "See? That's exactly why I did this. There's that look I love."

Pillowing my head on my folded hands I looked a question at him. "What look?"

"The look that says you don't have a care in the world." He told me and climbed up, pulling me against him. I purred again and snuggled in close. I hadn't seen Mark in almost two weeks and the feel of his massive form cradled against my body was almost heaven. "I haven't seen that look on you in a while."

Frowning, I turned in his arms to look at him. "What do you mean?"

"C'mon kid, you've been preoccupied since you moved in with me."

"I have not…" I groused but I knew he was right. At first I thought it was just the newness of living with someone on the other side of the country but it didn't seem to go away. Even as I began to slowly put my touches on Mark's house there was always part of me that was on edge.

"You have too and I know why." I opened my mouth to protest but he dropped a big hand over it. "Have you even tried to get a hold of Casey since you moved?" That knotted my stomach up nicely.

"Yes…" I said quietly, trying to keep my voice level. Mark had never said anything but he wasn't stupid. The fight with Casey had really shaken me. I lost my best friend because she didn't agree with who I was dating…marrying now and no matter how much it hurt I missed her. "She won't answer."

Mark sighed heavily against me and hugged me tight. "I'm sorry baby girl." I shrugged minutely and closed my eyes trying to let Mark's warm clean scent wipe the trickle of sadness that had crept into me away.

"She'll get over it or she won't. There's nothing I can do now." I muttered and realized my mouth wasn't working quite the way I'd wanted it to. Damn, I guess I was tired. Two airports and three plane changes had really taken it out of me.

I felt Mark's lips brush my forehead and leaned into him. It was so nice…I was so tired… The last thing I remember was the soft feel of a chuckle vibrating through Mark's chest.

My eyes opened and I knew immediately I was alone. Rolling over I saw the bathroom door cracked a bit and I could hear the muffled sound of Mark's voice on the other side. Stretching, I crawled across the gigantic bed and padded over to the door.

"Yeah…I'll get'er there…uh huh…see you soon." Mark was saying. Odd… I laid my hand on the door and started to push. "Hey thanks for doin this man. I appreciate it…yeah…I know." He laughed and I heard his cell phone snap shut.

"Who were you talking to?" I asked wiping at my eye. Mark actually jumped.

"Just getting something straight for the signing is all." He said but his face was redder than it should've been.

"Right…" I said dryly and dragged my fingers through my sleep-matted hair.

"Why don't you uh…get showered and we'll go out and do something." Yep…acting weird. Very weird. Lucky for him, I wasn't awake enough to question him. Nodding I stripped off my tank top and jeans and leaned into the glass shower stall to get the water running. "I'm gonna go order some coffee." He blurted and edged out of the room. Glancing over my shoulder I chuckled. He was plotting something. I didn't know what but there was no question in my mind.

Before I stepped into the shower I poked my head into the bedroom. It was empty but Marks bags looked to have been emptied and scattered to the four winds. Typical…Now that I was back around he'd fallen back into his normal routine. I couldn't help it, it made me smile as I shut the door and headed back to the inviting heat of my shower.

By the time I was clean and refreshed I could hear Mark pacing around the room. Well, stomping would be a better word. It was clear I had taken too long for his taste so I set to toweling out my hair, brushing my teeth, anything to waste a second or two. Getting under my fiancée's skin was one of my favorite pastimes and besides; he looked so cute when he was flustered.

Finally I emerged and nearly fell over. The room was spotless and laid out on the bed was my favorite dress. Actually, it was the only dress I owned but what I couldn't figure out was how the hell it got there. I didn't pack it.

"Mark!" I yelled holding it up in front of me.

"What's up?" He called back from the other room.

"Why is my dress here?" I yelled again heading toward the door still wrapped in my towel. I pulled open the door and shut it immediately. There were two men in the front room and judging from the curly ponytail I'd gotten a glimpse of, the other was Glen. There was someone who never, EVER needed to see me naked.

"Just put it on, beautiful. Hurry while you're at it, we've got reservations." Reservations? What a terribly un-Mark-like thing to do. Fighting the urge to question further I padded back to the bed to slip the thin black fabric over my head and let it pool around my feet. Immediately I felt the estrogen in me jump into overdrive. Looking into the full-length mirror on the back of the door, I giggled swishing the material around my hips. I'd gotten it at a Renaissance Fair a year ago because it was so thin it felt like it virtually floated over my skin and it made me feel like some sort of gypsy…a very girlie gypsy.

"You know, I don't have my dressy…"

"Boots are in the closet!" He bellowed, finishing my thought. My eyebrows shot up. What the hell? I was totally lost so I tucked away my feline desire to figure out what was going on and went to retrieve my boots.

I tugged them on and laced them then stood up watching as the hem of the skirt hovered less than an inch above the floor. That's why I bought the boots. They looked like my standard combat boots but they had about four inches of heel on them and laced to my knees. When I wore them my over-long impulse buy didn't drag behind me.

After a touch of make up and a quick brush of my hair, I stepped out into the front room and about gawked. "What the hell is going on?" I squeaked picking at the black silk shirt he was wearing.

He chuckled and shrugged. "We've never really done anything special. I figured where better for fantasies than Las Vegas." My heart melted at his words and I let him come in to kiss me lightly. I had to step back to take a good long look at him. He had the shirt tucked into a pair of matching slacks I'd never seen before. He'd either bought them or borrowed them from Glen but it didn't matter, they fit him like a glove and showed off just enough of his powerful thighs. He'd finished off the outfit by pulling his auburn waves back at his neck and putting on the cowboy boots that weren't quite as beat to hell.

"Wow…you look great." I laughed and reached up to touch the hollow of his throat through the open neck of his shirt then turned and gave Glen a once over as well. Damn, they both looked snazzy. Then again, they had me done up fairly snazzily as well. Whatever they were planning was definitely going to be something.

"So do you little girl." He grinned and wrapped me up in his arms. I melted against him.

"So uh…are we gonna go do this thing or are you two gonna stand around and neck all night?" Glen laughed as Mark growled.

I found myself laughing. "Alright meatheads, let's go do…whatever it is you two have planned." It seemed to break the tension. The look on their faces said they took exception to the meathead thing. "Oh good…can we?" I pressed on and headed for the door. By the time I got to it, Mark was there opening it for me.

"After you…" He smirked. I felt a grin break across my face and took the offer.

"So…where are we going?" I asked as the three of us headed off down the Strip. The sun had gone down at some point while I was sleeping and while it was definitely still warm, it was more than doable.

"Yeah, that's a damn good question Mark." Glen echoed. "Got me all dressed up for tonight, I figure we'd better have something to look forward to."

Mark raised an eyebrow at us and flagged down a cab. "C'mon…" He said climbing in and offering me a hand. I glanced at him and then back to Glen. Yeah, squished between two behemoths, so much fun. I did get in though and found myself nestled comfortably under Mark's arm. As he gave the driver instructions I let myself get lost in the smell of him, the solidness of his form beside me. It seemed as soon as I moved in with him, the writers had stepped up his appearances and his storylines so I saw very little of him. This very normal night out was more than I could dream of.

"The Stratosphere." I heard him say and sat up while Glen fidgeted to find room for his long legs, to looked at him.

"The Stratosphere? What's in the Stratosphere?" I asked and he smiled leaning over to brush a kiss against my cheek.

"The Top of the World darlin."

As it turned out, the Top of the World was a restaurant nicer than any I'd ever considered setting foot in. They had a dress code, a doorman, and the most spectacular view I'd ever seen. All the walls were glass and we were so far above the Strip that the myriad lights twinkling on each of the hotels below us looked like stars in the sky.

Glen let out a low whistle as we were shown to a table beside the windows. "This is…unusual for us eh bro?"

"Shut your pie hole you heathen." Mark chuckled and ordered a bottle of wine. Once the waiter had gone to retrieve it, he fixed Glen with a stern glare. "Do me a favor and don't act like you usually do in this place. Think you can handle it?" He couldn't help himself, he was grinning by the time he finished.

"Okay king high redneck, who's the one who actually owns dress shoes? Hmmm?" Glen fired back and I did my best not to burst out laughing. The place was so damn ritzy I was afraid one good belly laugh might bring it down around our ears.

"Oh ha ha…" Mark muttered and immediately schooled his face as the wine was brought and poured first to taste, of course. "Thank you." He said to the waiter and sent him away until we were ready to order.

"Mark…" I began still in awe of what he was doing. "What is all this?" Looking over to me he smiled and dropped his hand over mine in my lap.

"I wanted to do somethin for you is all." He replied, those green eyes flashing more love than I could even verbalize and let his thumb trail back and forth on my knuckles.

The little touch sent shivers down up my arm and down my spine. This was a side of Mark I didn't even know existed. He'd chosen a wine without looking at the list, when the waiter returned he ordered for us all in fluent French. I was totally blown away. Maybe my opinion of him was fairly narrow but never in my life did I think he was capable of anything like this.

"Oh my god…that…was…phenomenal." Glen sighed as he set his plate aside. I nodded my agreement.

"Yes it was…" Mark chuckled sounding almost surprised then looked down at his watch and muttered something. "We've gotta move." He said again and flagged the waiter over handing him his credit card.

"Where are we going now?" I asked as he signed the receipt. Standing to his full height he gave me a hand up but didn't divulge anything. Just the same annoying smirk he'd been wearing all night long. Sighing, I glanced to Glen but he was wearing it too. Whatever Mark had planned now, Glen was in on it and that meant they'd both left me just a-swinging in the wind. "Come on…someone let it go. The suspense is killing me." Chuckling I followed them back to the elevator and out onto the street.

We walked for quite a while just enjoying the sites and the people. I thought for sure the three of us would get mobbed. Glen and Mark aren't exactly easy to miss at seven foot and six foot ten respectively but we managed our way just fine. There were a few catcalls and plenty of whispers but no one came up to them. It was almost strange to be able to pretend they were regular people, tourists even just like everyone else.

Mark's phone rang as Glen and I stopped to watch the volcano outside the Mirage erupt. Immediately he walked away to answer it. That was slightly out of character. He never tried to hide his phone calls from me. Frowning, I fought the urge to follow him.

"Hey, you wanna tell me what's going on?" I asked nudging Glen in the ribs. Some good it did me. Laughing the big man shook his head. "But you do know don't you?"

"Yes I do." He responded grinning wildly.

"Alright…" Mark sighed coming back to us. "Let's go." Before I could ask where, he snaked an arm across my shoulders and guided me down the Strip.

My brain was on overdrive by the time Mark made a sharp right and guided me toward the very last place I ever expected to see.

"Mark…this is a chapel." I blurted and balked, my eyes shooting back and forth between both men.

"Yep…it is." Mark said casually.

"What the hell are we doing here?" I tried again. My heart was pounding so hard I was surprised no one else could hear it.

"Marry me…tonight…right now." He said and dropped to his knee in front of me for the second time. As he looked up at me I felt the tears begin to sting the backs of my eyes. Here? Tonight? Vegas?

"Mark…I…"

"Please…I want you to be my wife tonight." He pressed again.

"I thought you wanted the big wedding." The tears won and I spoke through a lump so big it should've been a goiter.

"And what'd you tell me darlin?" Mark began, a lopsided grin creeping across his face. "You told me your perfect wedding would be you, your fiancée, and a friend or two in Vegas. No fuss, no muss, and a party."

"But…" I stammered again and reached to wipe off my face. Mark's hand got there first, his thumb gently dabbing the wetness from my cheek.

"No buts…marry me tonight." He said again and produced a small velvet box. Inside it sat two bands, one quite a bit larger than the other.

I couldn't believe this. Since we'd gotten to Houston Mark had talked about a big wedding. Not necessarily traditional but big all the same. He wanted our families and friends to meet, to get to know each other and he figured not a one of them could turn us down. I'd protested vehemently…too much attention and too much hassle. I was always a big fan of something small and intimate, maybe even just eloping. It was all so much simpler.

"What about your big plans?" I quavered even as I took the rings from him for a closer look. Jesus, they were platinum.

"To hell with my plans. The important part is after tonight, you'll have to remember a whole new last name."

"Ah Christ, stand up would you? Your knees are bad enough." I laughed and tugged on his hand until he was on his feet again. "YES! Of course I'll marry you now!" Before I burst into a full on crying fit, Mark crushed me to him.

"C'mon then, lets get this done." He laughed as he let me go and the three of us turned heading inside.

The proprietors were as courteous as courteous could be. They were quick to help us decide how we wanted everything done right down to flowers and music. It amazed me how they were so at the ready. It was nearly ten o'clock at night and before I could change my mind, they had irises waiting in their chapel.

Even the marriage license went quickly. That however didn't surprise me much. We were in Vegas after all and they could pull off a drive-through ceremony. So in a virtual blink, the papers were signed, the short video had been watched, and everything was ready to go. I was totally stunned.

"Mark, are you absolutely sure about this?" I asked one more time to be sure. "It's not too late to get back to plans."

"Baby girl…I don't care how it gets done, only that it does." He reassured me before leaning in to kiss me and disappeared through a door into the chapel to be positive everything was where it was supposed to be.

"Are you alright?" Glen chuckled walking up to me. I pressed a hand to my chest and found my heart hadn't slowed a bit since we'd walked in. Sure, I was nervous. I was scared but more than that I was excited! Sure, there was a huge ring on my finger and plans in the works but I don't think I believed it would actually ever happen. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had it all worked out that Mark would get bored and send me back to Detroit. Obviously, I'd been very wrong.

"Yeah…I am." I nodded smiling and took a deep breath. I had to get myself under control or I'd shake through the whole damn ceremony.

"He's been planning this for weeks."

"Really?" Glen nodded smiling.

"I haven't seen him like this…ever." The big man confided as he hugged me tight. "And I've gotta say, I'm glad he found you. You two were made for each other."

Hearing the words from Mark's best friend felt so good. His few short words laid what fears I had left to rest.

"Thanks Glen…" I sniffled and leaned into him again.

A knock at the door broke up the moment as we turned to the door. "Excuse me…" An overly cheerful woman asked as she poked her head in the door. "I'm looking for the future Mrs. Calaway."

My stomach dropped as she spoke. The future Mrs. Calaway…whoa. "That's me." I said and felt the trembling start.

"We're ready for you now." She told me without her smile ever wavering. I nodded and squeezed Glen's hand.

"You'll be fine." He told me. He's amazing like that. Just a few words and a sincere look and he can melt the tension out of anyone.

I nodded again and let him go to take up his place as Mark's best man. Slowly I closed my eyes and tried to center myself. This was it. My wedding. The one thing I swore I'd never do, I was doing it.

"Are you ready to go dear?" Oh…smiley was still there.

"As ready as a girl can be I guess." I chuckled and let her lead me into the chapel.

The very first thing I saw was Mark. Standing beside a quiet waterfall he was staring at me as if he'd never seen me before. The love in his green, green eyes stole my breath away. That was my husband. _My HUSBAND!_ God how did I get that lucky?

A soft sniffling to my side distracted me. Turning my heart stopped and leapt into my throat.

"Casey?" I managed as tears blurred her into a tall blonde blob. At least she was nodding. "What are you…You're here!" I blubbered and went to her. Immediately she hugged me and I felt her shaking with the same tears I was crying. "How did you…"

"Mark…called us." She wept.

"Yeah…this hasn't been easy to keep a secret." I jerked back from Casey, eyes wide and saw Brian. I burst into another fit of tears and hugged him tight.

"Both of you…" I sniffed and wiped at my eyes.

"Mark and I have been plotting for quite some time. You have no idea how hard it was to get her to Vegas without telling her why." Brian chuckled as he held me tight to his pit bull-esque frame.

"Thank you…both of you…Oh god you're here." I blubbered and wrapped my arms around them both. My make up was ruined but I didn't care. Nothing else mattered.

"You didn't really think I'd miss your wedding did you?" Casey asked me holding me as tight as I was holding her.

"I thought you hated me." God the tears, they just wouldn't stop.

"No, never…I couldn't hate you. I just…didn't get it. I didn't get him." Taking a deep breath she pulled me off of her to look me in the eye. "I…think I do now. Who would go through all this trouble to make their wife happy?"

"I do love him." I told her. "He loves me too."

"I know that now." She sniffed and wiped at her eyes with a tissue from her purse.

"Jesus, this is the best wedding present ever." I cried and let the tears finally dissolve into laughter. Casey joined me and passed another tissue my way.

"This ain't the present baby girl." Mark's voice startled me. I didn't know how long he'd been standing behind me. "That's at the house. Reception on the back forty."

"What?" I stammered. "What do you mean?" Mark shrugged.

"I got Brian and Casey here for the ceremony and tomorrow morning we fly back to Houston and have a fuckin party."

I had to shake my head to let it all sink in. Mark had done this. He'd brought my Casey back to me. "God I love you." I said and fell into him.

"I know you do angel. I love you too…more than anything." He whispered against the side of my face. "Now c'mon, let's get this goin and start our life out right."

Smiling, I nodded and followed him to the front.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: _ _I apologize DEEPLY for the distance between chapters...I was er...iffy about this one but I have it on good authority that it's up to par. Anyway...Thanks to Texjay, Bikerbunny, and everyone who's betaed this story for me and thanks to bookfearie for helping with my inspiration in the last couple chapters...FINALY...as always... Thanks for ALL the great reviews! Enjoy!_

_(it would appear the ruler button isn't working so I'm making due...bear with me...heh) _

It was dark by the time I saw my fence line in my lonely headlight. I'd spent the better part of the day sitting in front of the bakery drinking coffee and trying desperately not to panic. Panicking served me no purpose at all. It was what they wanted. If I pulled up to the front of my house with worry on my face, the paparazzi bastards would smell it like blood in the water. Before I'd know it, it'd be my face plastered on rag mags and on trash TV. "Oh the poor jilted wife…blah blah blah". Good God, no way.

That thought on my mind, I turned about a mile before my actual street and made my way through the back roads to the rear of our property. The bike almost went over more than once. It'd been years since we'd even thought about the tiny access road that twisted and turned it's way up to the back of the barn. I made a mental note to get someone out there with a backhoe as soon as all the drama was taken care of. There were potholes deep enough to swallow a Volkswagen let alone my Harley.

Luckily though, I made it and, turning off my headlight, walked the bike into the barn shutting the doors on it. I didn't know if the press was lurking but I wasn't taking any chances. If they were waiting for me, they'd never even see the extra bike in the garage.

The silent night was eerie. Sure, we lived in the middle of nowhere but I was from the city. This sort of country quiet set my teeth on edge. Since I was feeling overly paranoid to begin with, the tension was magnified ten-fold. Better to just sneak into the house and hide. If they were out there, they couldn't do a damn thing.

The lock on the back door of the garage clicked so loud I thought for sure I was about to be bombarded by flashbulbs but nothing happened. My heart pounding, I slammed it behind me and pulled shut the blinds. Tiptoeing through the kitchen and into the living room I peeled back the tiniest corner of curtain and felt like vomiting. There was most definitely an odd car a little ways down our driveway and just to the right in the trees I could see the moonlight reflecting off of something glass…a camera lens. Fuck me.

Slinking back through the house I felt like punching something. I was in my house. _MY HOUSE!_ …And these bastards had me trapped like a rat.

I practically crawled to the bedroom and grabbed my book off the bed then made my way back to the kitchen and down the stairs to the basement. If I was downstairs, they'd think the house was still empty. Maybe they'd take the hint and go away. Maybe…

Hitting the bottom of the stairs, I'd never been more thankful of my husband's need for pitch-blackness. Sure, we had those nifty little half windows down there but Mark had painted them all over. When he had a quick pit stop at home, he'd sleep down there to make sure the light didn't wake him. So many times he'd come in dog tired, bags under his eyes and ready to drop so I'd send him downstairs where my moving around wouldn't bother him. God I used to worry when he looked like that…

I flipped on a light and couldn't help the twinge of anxiety that shot through my gut. I didn't remember there being anywhere for the light to escape but what if there was? Those vultures outside would never go away if they thought someone was home.

Sighing, I fell into the massive L-shaped couch Mark had insisted we buy and let the black leather suck me in. My phone fell off its clip and hit the floor but for a long moment I just left it there. I was relaxing. I was letting the bad news melt away and sprawled out, surrounded by Mark's scent, it was working. I could feel the tension in my shoulders easing, the acid churning in my stomach subsiding and because of it, I could think a little clearer.

Everything would work out. The story would get stale. The dickheads would get off my lawn and I could go back to brooding or recuperating or whatever it was I was going to do with myself. Hopefully Casey's presence would help.

"Shit…" I muttered and started to fumble for the phone. I'd called Casey when I was still in Bastrop and she'd been ecstatic at the offer. Apparently planning her wedding was giving her crow's feet and a trip to play super hero was just what she needed. All that said and done however, I had to call Mark. He was footing the bill after all.

Sighing, I grabbed my phone and dialed.

"Hello?" He said and sounded tired.

"Hey, sorry it's so late."

"No…" He yawned and I heard the creak of a mattress. "It's all right. I'm glad you called at all. I didn't expect to hear from you til tomorrow at the earliest."

"Yeah well, I talked to Casey and she's willing to take you up on your offer to come out." I said with an uncomfortable flutter in my stomach. I felt guilty for calling so late but he said he wanted to know what to do.

"Great." He said and shifted again. "Let me uh…make some calls and get back to ya so you can let her know when she's flying out."

I laughed. He sounded so tired. "Actually that's been taken care of. She was online as soon as I suggested it. She's got arrangements for tomorrow actually."

"Tell'er I'll pay her back and thank her for sittin with you." He yawned again. "I don't want you dealin with this alone baby girl."

The pet name had me closing my eyes against an overwhelming sadness again but I didn't say anything. "I've got to admit, I don't exactly want to do this alone either."

"How is it there?" He asked with a dark foreboding.

"They're camped out on the lawn alright." I said and sighed rubbing at the bridge of my nose. "I snuck in the back and put my bike in the barn. I don't think they know I'm here."

"Good. Keep it that way." He growled. "God I wish I was there to do this with ya darlin." I could hear the pleading in his voice. I could hear the honesty and the sorrow and it hurt but strangely, not as much.

"Part of me does too…"

"So let me…"

"No Mark. Please don't start." I heard him sigh fit to decompress himself but he relented.

"Okay…Sorry." He grunted. Shit, I had to do something to take that sound out of his voice. He was doing such a great thing by flying Casey out and I'd managed to punch him in the gut again.

"You know, we really need to get that access road looked at, at some point. It tried to swallow my bike." There, that was a nice subject change.

"What?" He blurted half laughing. "Where'd that come from?" Apparently my little distraction had worked just fine.

"When was the last time anyone used it?" I pressed on. "Seriously, there are pot holes out there that are going to start to rival the Grand Canyon if we don't do something about them."

"Well what would you suggest _we _do about it?" Damn, he'd picked up on my use of the 'we' word and judging from the tone of his voice, he liked that I'd slipped like that.

"I'm going to have to call someone to level it out."

"There's a mini-cat in the barn." He said reasonably. I grunted. Like I would have any idea how to operate a miniature backhoe.

"Yeah, that helps me not at all." I laughed sitting up on the couch, the leather creaking softly with my weight.

"Oh c'mon darlin, I know you watched me level out the paddock with it. It ain't that hard…wait, is that my couch?" Ooh the protective streak…I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact it is. I'm hiding in the basement."

"Don't hurt my couch woman." He was grinning, I knew it and it was infectious.

"How much damage can I possibly do to this monstrosity? It's like three quarters of a cow."

"That's a whole damn cow and you better not mess up my ass dent." He laughed and my heart hammered in my chest. Talking to him felt like it did when we met. The little giggles and inside jokes were so comfortable I was laughing like nothing had changed.

"God, you're stupid over this couch." I went on, a goofy grin plastered across my face.

"Nah…I'm stupid over you angel." He whispered, all the joking gone. I felt my insides drop.

"Jesus Mark…" I sighed. "You haven't said that in so long…"

"I know…that's my fuck up." He growled, the self-deprecation alive and kicking. "I should've said a lot of things but didn't."

I was shaking my head. That was one thing I would never accuse Mark of is apathy. Until Kansas City, he'd done everything perfectly in my book. I never felt unloved, or unappreciated…ever. "Why would you say that?"

"Adrian, I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm not easy to get to know, and I know damn well that I forget to tell you how much I love you."

"No, you don't." I gasped. "Do you realize that until…what happened, happened I was happier than I've ever been in my life?"

"Then give me a chance to do that again." Oh God, his voice was shaking.

"Mark…I…" Damn it, where had the comfortable joking gone? I'd been fine with that, happy with it even. This seriousness was almost more than I could bear.

"I know…I fucked everything up and I can't fix it can I?"

My first reaction was to give in and tell him that of course we could, we could fix anything but…was it true? Could I let it go? I didn't know and I owed him at least honesty for all the good times we had had. "How can I answer that? I don't even know what I think right now."

"Do ya still love me?"

God damn him for asking that! "Yeah, I do." I admitted quietly although I knew I should've let the question pass. I didn't want to give him false hope. Hell, I didn't want any either.

"I love you too. I always have and I always will." The shaking seemed to have stopped but the aching was still there.

"Look…" I sighed shifting around until I was curled on my side with my head pillowed on the armrest. "I've got to pick Casey up before noon tomorrow. I've got to try to get some sleep." Yeah, it was a cop out. I had to get off the phone before I started spouting poetry and begging him to come home.

"Yeah…right…I'm uh…sorry." He said quietly.

"Don't be sorry. This is…odd for both of us."

"I don't want to hurt you anymore. Maybe I should just leave you be."

"You've been drinking haven't you?" I asked on a whim. The whole self-loathing thing wasn't Mark at all and a large quantity of Jack Daniels was the only catalyst I could think of off the top of my head.

"Little…"

"A little for me or a little for you?"

"Glen took me out after the show. He was drivin." Oh that made so much sense.

"I woke you up in the middle of your sleeping it off didn't I?" I asked and stifled a giggle.

"God damn it Adrian…don't belittle what I'm feelin here okay?" He sighed. Oh yeah, he was drunk and I could've kicked myself for not noticing it ahead of time.

"Let me call you tomorrow. You get some sleep. I've got to too." Neutral, easy…

"I love you baby girl."

"I know you do." I sniffed and wiped at my eyes. He sounded so lost, so…small and Mark didn't do small. It made me want to reach through the phone and hold him. "Get some sleep."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." He sighed and I heard him cough softly.

"…And…don't just leave me alone." I added against my better judgment.

"You mean it?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

"Good…yeah…I didn't really want to anyway."

"Don't think that gives you free reign. I'm still not alright Mark." I added for good measure. I didn't need him thinking I was caving in.

"I know…I know…" He said sighing but there was an underlying excitement in his words that made me want to groan. Maybe I should've just let him think I wanted to be left alone.

"Get some sleep. I'll talk to you…soon. I guess." I said and let a tired sigh escape me. This harmless little conversation had really sucked the life out of me. All I was supposed to do was let Mark know that Casey was coming out but somehow we'd ended up right back where we always did.

"Alright Angel…" He sighed. "Call me tomorrow…if you want to, that is."

"With Casey here…" I trailed off. I didn't want to say I wasn't calling him but if I agreed to it, he'd make sure he talked to me…whether I wanted to or not.

"Ah…well, if you all are busy I'll leave you be. G'night baby girl. I love you." He muttered and hung up before I could try to make him better again. God he was nerve-wracking! I wanted so badly to make him laugh again before we hung up but I knew him well enough to know that wasn't possible. Nothing with him was ever easy. Not when it was his mood you were playing with. If he was depressed, he was depressed. Mark dealt with things in his own time and not before. Usually though, once it was figured out in his head, he'd let me know what was going on.

Part of me was always irked by his emotional independence. Wasn't it my job as his wife to be there when something was bothering him? Shouldn't it have been me he came to when something didn't make sense? That's what I'd always been taught to believe but dealing with Mark had turned everything I'd learned on its head.

I shook my head at the yearning in my chest. I hated that he was hurting and I think I hated myself just as much for hating it. Good lord, I was losing my mind. Groaning at the thought I dropped my phone on the floor and covered my eyes with my arm. I was so tired. There were morons on my lawn waiting to catch a glimpse of me, my marriage was still in the shitter, and I was stuck hiding in my basement. Yeah, it was one hell of a day.

Closing my eyes against my arm I sighed. I could hear footsteps outside the windows. Maybe they could see through the painted windows. I didn't know for sure and to be honest, at that moment, I didn't really care. Taking a deep breath, I did my best to let my body relax and let the sleep come get me.

I woke up to an annoying jab in my ribs. At first I just rolled over grunting and let the cool leather against my cheek lull me back toward unconsciousness.

"Oh no you don't." A giggling voice said jolting me upright.

"Casey?" I blurted blinking my bleary eyes at her. "Oh my God I didn't pick you up!" Jumping up I flung my arms around her neck. How could I have forgotten her? How could I have missed her phone call? God I felt like such an ass!

Slowly Casey extricated herself from my grasp and held me at arm's length laughing. "Don't worry about it."

"How can you tell me not to worry about?" I squealed. "I FORGOT you!"

"No, you didn't." I heard the words and watched her shake her blonde head but I was not to be swayed.

"I missed your call, I slept through your flight…"

"Adrian!" Casey blurted shaking me slightly. "I didn't call you!"

"You what?" I managed staring at her.

"I didn't call you." She said again.

"Well why the hell not? The cab fair must've been outrageous."

"I didn't call a cab either Aid…" Okay, now she was just being cryptic to annoy me. Shaking my head I glared at her.

"Well you sure as hell didn't walk here!"

"Nope, didn't do that either. There was a car waiting for me when my flight came in."

"A car? What are you talking about? I…" The words died in my throat as the realization hit me. "Mark." Casey nodded.

"He called me early this morning." She was grinning like a psycho.

"And he hired a car for you?" I sputtered. Casey just kept nodded. "Unbelievable."

"Trust me, no one was more surprised that I was." She chuckled and nudged me over so she could sit down.

"I told you he liked you."

"No, he loves you and you like me. There's a difference." She laughed and hugged me again.

God it was good to see her! I hadn't really realized how much I'd isolated myself until Casey was sitting on my couch beside me. All at once the whole clusterfuck felt bearable. I could think clearer, I had someone to bounce ideas off of. Casey, more than anyone, would tell me just how crazy I was being. There was absolutely no question there.

All of the sudden, the loneliness got the better of me and I lost it. In a split second I went from laughing happily to sobbing like a loon in my best friend's arms.

"Hey…whoa…it's okay…" She cooed and actually rocked me against her.

"Casey…I…"

"Shhh…" She whispered and kept with the rocking, stroking my hair. "I know…this isn't easy. I wish you'd have called me out here sooner."

"I…couldn't…see anyone." I gasped and continued sobbing. "I haven't seen anyone in…weeks." Great, hyperventilation…and it was supposed to be a good day. Casey just nodded and held onto me.

In give or take half an hour, I managed to get myself under control. I sat up grimacing at the soggy front of Casey's shirt. "Sorry about that." I chuckled half-heartedly and wiped at my eyes. Casey virtually glared at me.

"How many times have I done that to you?" She asked and I had to smile. A lot. That was how many times. The only difference was, when she cried on me my shirt ended up in the trash. That waterproof mascara she used just did not come out. "Aid…I'll do anything I can to make this easier for you."

She just melted my heart…Casey had come leaps and bounds in her tolerance of my relationship with Mark but she was nowhere near all right with it. I knew she wasn't. We hadn't really talked about it since the wedding. It seemed safer to me. We'd reached an understanding of sorts. Mark made me happy so she had found a way to be happy for me. I dare say, however, when Brian finally popped the question, she got a taste of what I had been feeling.

"I know…thank you so much." I said sincerely. It really did mean the world to me that she was riding to my rescue. "I just…I've been so embarrassed. I made such a big deal about all of this and…" Shaking my head, I looked away.

"You made such a big deal about being so sure about him and now it's blowing up in your face. I'd be embarrassed too." She finished for me.

"Gee…thanks for the sympathy." I groaned and tipped back over on to the couch. The little puff of air my body weight generated was pure Mark and I had to choke back a sob. "It's just…I don't want to let it go. I know I should. I know there is no way to build the trust again but I want to pretend."

Casey stared at me for a long moment then took a deep breath. "Don't sell it out just yet." My eyes nearly bugged out of my skull.

"Are you…taking his side?" I laughed. Immediately, Casey shook her head.

"No, I'm not taking his side. I'm just trying to look at this from your point of view. Sure, your line of thinking goes against everything you've ever told me but now that I'm looking at getting married I can understand it."

If I hadn't been so tired, I probably would've throttled her. No, I'd have hugged her. Casey had managed to say the right thing yet again.

"It's just so…fucked up!" I sighed exasperated and fought the urge to flop around. A tantrum sounded really good. Not an adult tantrum, but the little kid kind where you roll around on the floor and kick your feet and scream. Yeah, that sounded like a great idea but Casey would probably have me committed. "I hate it all…"

"I would too…" She muttered and stood up yanking me by my arm.

"Where are your words of damning condemnation?" I chuckled as she dragged me limp to the floor. Moving wasn't in my immediate plan but Casey seemed to have other ideas.

"No damning you dork." She laughed and continued pulling on my arm. "I've been doing a lot of thinking since this all went down." Sighing, I got to my feet even though my shoulders slumped. "I can't say I'd know what to do in your position either."

"I know one thing…" I muttered and rubbed at my eyes. "I do love him."

Casey's eyes softened as she pulled me in for another hug. "I know you do…I'm pretty sure he loves you too."

"Pretty sure?"

"Yeah, call it an educated guess." She chuckled and let go of my neck. "Hey, you got any beer?"

The look I gave her was probably less than brilliant but I nodded.

"Good, I want one." Casey finished and turned heading for the stairs. Somewhere an alarm went off in my head. There was something about upstairs I didn't like but I couldn't quite wrap my brain around it. "In the fridge in the kitchen or the one in the garage?" She called over her shoulder as she began to make her way up.

"WAIT STOP!" I blurted and sprinted over grabbing the back of her shirt.

"What is your problem?" She laughed and swatted my hand off her blouse.

"How'd you get in here?"

Snorting, Casey looked at me like I'd grown another head. "How do you think I got in? I came up the driveway and used the key in the rock by the door."

"Shit!" I screamed and actually stomped in a little circle. "Was there a van out there? Anybody snooping around?"

"What are you talking about?" She squeaked and turned back for the stairs.

"Noooo…" I yelled and dragged her back down. "There were…reporters…on my lawn…last night when I got home. Were they still there?"

"Adrian…" She blurted shaking me. "No one's out there. There was nothing odd when I got here." I'm sure I looked skeptical.

"They were hiding in the bushes last night. There was a big gray van off to the side. That's why I'm down here…"

"Aid…there's nothing out there." She tried again to reassure me. I was not to be swayed. Grunting I crept up the stairs and slunk over to the window to peek out the curtain again. Hmmm…it looked like she was right. Maybe they'd given up after all.

"Rat bastards…" I grumbled as Casey sauntered up and leaned against the doorframe.

"Feel better now?" She sighed. I glanced over and rolled my eyes.

"Okay so you were right. They left. Do you want a cookie?" I teased walking over to her. Chuckling, Casey shook her head.

"No I don't want a cookie, I want a beer." Well that made sense to me.

As I walked with Casey into my kitchen to let her raid the fridge I couldn't help but feel good again. Just her presence brought back that little bit of me that lived to antagonize and laugh. It was great! I think my blonde friend saw it coming. As she emerged from the icebox and handed me a bottle, she fixed me with a dubious glare.

"What?" I asked and fought the grin I could feel trying to find it's way out.

"You've got that look."

"What look?" It came out as a squeak and I knew I was busted.

"Oh no you don't! No way! I did not fly three thousand miles for you to start picking on me again!" I glanced away and popped the cap off taking a long drink.

"But I'm so out of practice…" I whined and sauntered off toward the deck.

Flopping down in my chair, I really felt like me, the real uncut, and unadulterated me, for the first time in weeks. My best friend was there, straightening her little skirt and fidgeting with her beer bottle to keep the sweat from dripping onto her blouse. I had to chuckle. It was so typically Casey. I leaned back and propped my foot up on the railing and stared out over our acreage. The sun was shining but it wasn't too hot with the breeze rolling through and it felt like a little bit of my sanity snuck back in.

In that moment, I didn't care what happened tomorrow, or the week after. Mark and I had a good run. He was perfect for me while it was good but if we didn't manage to get back to that, it was okay. I'd be all right. I was always all right. I didn't need a husband for that. Casey and Brian had helped me see that long before Mark had ever come into the picture.

"I forgot how peaceful it is out here." Casey said after a long congenial silence. I nodded but laughed.

"The last time you were out here there was a huge party going on." I chuckled and picked at my label. Casey shrugged her slender shoulders and shifted toward me in her seat.

"But even then…remember at the end of the night when we were all sitting around the bonfire laughing? I remember being so calm and so happy for you finally." The sentiment caught something in me and brought another lump to my throat.

"You were happy for me?" I squeaked and swallowed hard. She nodded her blonde head slowly. "Well…that's a relief." I chuckled. "I was afraid you were just internalizing your hatred to be used at a later date."

"God Adrian!" She gasped exasperated. "Why would you think that?" Oh I had to laugh at that.

"What about our sophomore year when Candy Raider made a move on Brian?" That did the trick. Immediately Casey turned and went back to staring off toward the barn. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Remember what you did the next year?"

"Shut up Aid…" She grumbled but she was grinning too.

"You filled her car with shaving cream and wrote slut on her hood in bologna slices."

"She never did figure that out either." Casey smirked and pointedly finished off her beer before getting up to retrieve two more.

"So don't give me that 'I'm not passive-aggressive' crap. You forget I know you." I punctuated my thought with a tap of my bottle on the arm of the chair. "I may be 3000 miles away but I still know you."

"Yeah well…" She muttered and shook sweat off her new bottle, her face reddening a bit.

"So no pent up hostilities waiting to jump up and bite me on the ass then?" I asked her after a long silence. Casey sighed heavily and let her head drop forward.

"No, no hostility." She muttered and glanced over to roll her eyes pointedly. I had to smile. She couldn't blame me for being nervous. I knew how she worked. I'd watched her scheme and plot and relish in the defeat of her…ahem…rivals all through high school and on through to college as well. My best friend was a devious and at times evil woman. It made me glad many times over that I was on her good side. "This really is a beautiful place. I couldn't tell so much during the party." She said changing the subject. I nodded smiling.

"It really is…" I sighed. "It was a good party too." Casey burst out laughing and raised her bottle to me.

"Hell yes it was…"

_(Yep...page break thing still isn't working...ignore this and read on...lol)_

The rest of Vegas had been a blur. After the impromptu ceremony, Mark, Glen, Casey, Brian, and I had torn up the town. We hopped from casino to casino and drank plenty more than our fair share but it was good. I was a wife. I was Mark's wife and at that moment, everyone I cared about was with me and happy.

Mark managed to make one hell of a scene every time we stopped to water ourselves and the more places we stopped, the louder the scene got. I had a sneaking suspicion it was the Irish whiskey he was imbibing at a rate that would kill an elephant. It didn't matter though. Nothing could ruin the night.

The next morning however, as our flight lifted off for George Bush International Airport none of our little troupe looked so good. Casey was sat across the aisle from Mark and I and her face was more than a little green. If I hadn't felt as bad as she looked, I'd have pointed and laughed but as the pressurized cabin worked it's magic on me, I wasn't sure I wasn't going to need the cute little bags all planes have in the back of the next seat. God it was awful. Mark spent the whole flight asleep and from the look of Brian, he'd taken his cue and passed out as well.

Only Glen seemed immune. A row back and to the left, he was happily playing his PSP, Ipod headphones dangling merrily from his ears. He even managed to be polite to the flight attendants. He did however keep his sunglasses strapped tight to his face.

It was easily the longest flight in all of history. Every minute ticked by excruciatingly and my stomach rebelled at every one of them. I still managed to hold it together longer than Casey though. No sooner than the 'fasten seatbelts' sign clicked off, she was up and sprinting to the lavatory. I had to smirk at that one, but the smirking made my stomach lurch too so I settled for a quiet triumph. She never could hold her liquor.

By the time the plane touched down and we were able to debark, it was a safe bet we were all up to about eighty-five percent. The hot Texas air had become familiar by that time and stepping out into it absolutely rejuvenated at least Mark and I. Casey, Brian, and Glen seemed in higher spirits as well and as we walked to the long-term parking lot to retrieve the Durango I'd left there on my way out we were all laughing and joking just a bit quieter than normal.

I was regaining my high from the night before. I was somebody's wife. Holy shit! I still couldn't wrap my brain around it. Apparently Mark was having a hard time with it as well. All the way back to the house, he'd look over smiling and squeeze my thigh with a strange, almost awestruck look in his eyes. No matter how many times I asked why, he'd just shake his head, chuckle, and go back to the road. It was…really nice. I didn't have to worry anymore. All my agonizing about our relationship was null and void.

"C'mon baby girl. Let's get this show on the damn road." Mark chuckled as we pulled up and he cut the engine. Shaking my head, I hopped out and dragged my carry on with me.

"What's the plan then?" I asked while Glen and the others sorted their bags out of the back hatch.

"Party remember?" Brian laughed. "We're supposed to be celebrating still."

"Oh my God Aid…" Casey blurted walking over to me but taking in the front of our house. "This place is…" Instead of actually finishing the sentence, she started laughing. That was always a good sign. A speechless Casey was a Casey that couldn't complain or nitpick.

"Yeah, it's definitely something…" I chuckled and dropped my arm on her shoulder letting my eyes trail over the sprawling covered porch and reaching wildflowers. "Wait til you see the inside."

Immediately, her blue eyes went wide and she ran for the door. Smiling, I glanced back at my husband and our friends then followed her up the three short steps leading up to the door, nudging her out of the way so I could actually get my key in the lock.

"SURPRISE!" A chorus of voices bellowed as we walked through and I literally dropped everything, my mouth in a little O.

"What the hell!" I squeaked, my head swiveling back and forth between my living room full of people and Mark as he came up behind me.

"Told ya there was a big party." He smirked and yanked me into his frame, kissing me wildly. "I told these guys what I was plannin and they insisted. Damn party crashers if you asked me."

Tears were stinging my eyes again. God, I'd cried more in the last eighteen hours give or take, than I had in my whole life. "You are a sneaky bastard you know that?" I laughed and wiped at my eyes. Mark just nodded and shoved me toward the crowd.

"Hey kid…" Paul greeted me smiling and bending his seven-foot frame in half to hug me. "You shocked?"

"Show, I don't even have the words." I laughed then gasped as he lifted me off my feet.

"Put me down you oaf!" I wheezed and thumped him on the shoulder playfully. Like a good giant, he set me back down and shook Mark's hand.

"Thanks for makin it big guy." He grinned clasping his shoulder then turned to what appeared to me to be the rest of the locker room and raised his hand for silence. "First, I wanna thank y'all for comin. I dunno how we're gonna feed ya but thanks anyway."

"We got ya covered Taker!" A voice from the back yelled and even Mark looked surprised.

"Yeah, beer and dead animals sizzlin' out back." Another man said walking over to us.

"Bradshaw…" Mark smiled and shook his hand as well. "Tell me you all didn't get stupid with this party idea."

The other Texan broke out in a huge grin. "We don't know any other way to do it, my friend."

"Besides, if we didn't get carried away, we'd all be bored." This from a kid with purple hair and nail polish.

"You're always bored Jeff." I laughed as I let him pull me into a bear hug. As soon as Jeff and I met we became friends. For a while, it really bothered Mark. Jeff was closer to my age, he and I had plenty in common, and according to Mark, we 'wear the same freaky shit all the time'. I could understand his discomfort, I really could but to me it was blatantly obvious who I was going home with every night. Eventually, Mark worked out the logistics of my friendship and stopped being a schmuck about it. All the better for him. I wasn't about to let him pick my friends.

"True…" He grinned, his grape-like hair bouncing with a resounding nod. "Adrian, you are being rude. Who are you friends?"

Pulling away from him I followed his line of sight and saw Casey and Brian standing just in the door looking fairly uncomfortable.

"Oh shit!" I laughed and reached for Casey's hand. She came over slowly, Brian's hand clutched tightly in hers. "Jeff, these are my very best friends from way back when, Brian and Casey."

Jeff's eyes bugged out a bit. "You mean _the _Casey?" He laughed and true to form, virtually lunged at her to hug her.

"Whoa!" Casey blurted but laughed as the young Hardy attacked her. "Some friends you've got now Aid."

"Yeah…" I smiled.

"C'mon baby girl…" Mark said swooping in to wrap his arm around my waist. "I gotta show you off." I raised an eyebrow at Casey and leaned into him as I looked up.

"They all know me dear."

"No, they know my girlfriend. I got a wife now." He smirked and leaned in to find my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and went with it.

"Get a room would you?" Casey chuckled.

"Got a couple." Mark teased her and made my apologies to her for me before he whisked me off through the crowd.

Once again, my husband had blown me away. I had no idea he was bringing the whole roster to the house. Sure, for me it was easily the most important day of my life but these guys hand schedules and appearances to get to. Their agendas were full to exploding but they'd gone out of their way to help us celebrate. I was genuinely touched.

I didn't recognize my back yard when Mark and I made our way out onto the back deck. There were two grills going, a volleyball net set up, a radio at top volume somewhere I couldn't see, and our pool was quickly filling up with large, now half-naked men.

"Keg's against the house in the shade." Bradshaw informed us sauntering out. "Couple a kegs actually."

Looking up at him I smiled. "This could not be more perfect."

"Not too redneck for ya huh?" John grinned and pulled me away from Mark.

"No way. This is exactly what I was going for." The big man nodded happily and patted Mark on the shoulder.

"You got yourself a good one. Keep'er."

"What the hell do you think I married her for?" My husband laughed and yanked me back from our friend. "Although I was looking forward to the whole white dress and walkin down the aisle thing." I raised an eyebrow at him. It was a familiar argument. We'd been bickering back and forth about the size of the party since I'd moved in. Until Vegas, I was under the impression we'd be engaged for at least another year so he'd have time to wear me down to his line of thinking. I thought I had been worn down. I was ready to do whatever it took to get that new last name. Apparently though, I'd managed to sway him.

"Adrian!" Swinging around, I saw my second favorite blonde hurrying over in a bikini I might've given my left arm to be able to wear. "Congrats girlie!" She said and wrapped her arms around me.

"Hey Trish…" I laughed hugging her back. "Thanks for coming."

"Are you kidding me?" She laughed. "I wouldn't miss this for the world." That made me smile. I didn't spend a whole lot of time with these people but I'd been traveling on and off with Mark since I moved. I got along really well with most of them but I had no idea they thought so much of me. "Besides," she went on, "anyone that can put up with Taker day and night deserves a hell of a lot more than this."

"Trishy baby!" We both turned at the sound of a voice. "Oh…hey Mrs. Taker." I grinned.

"Hey Chris!" I waved. So there was a blonde Canadian loudmouth floating on an inflatable alligator in my pool, so what? That's what parties were for right?

"Get a bathing suit and get in here!" He went on and took a sip of something pinkish with an umbrella sticking out of it. "It's way too hot!"

Trish and I both burst out laughing. "Go on, I'll get changed."

"Okay, hurry up though, Amy, Vic, and I were waiting on you for volleyball." She said turning on her heels and diving in, splashing the hell out of Chris on the way under.

Alone again, I had a moment to really survey the situation. These guys were unbelievable. Mark was unbelievable! How the hell had they pulled all this together without my knowledge? It blew my mind.

As I stood watching all my friends, I felt Casey's presence beside me. She was obviously watching too. "Crazy stuff isn't it?" I laughed.

"Yeah…" She said and bumped me. "I can see why you wanted this life now." Well that was unexpected.

"What do you mean?"

Casey opened her mouth to speak but let out a long breath instead. That was a record, speechless twice in one day. "Look at all these people!" She finally began. "They all love you…and Mark too."

"They love me because Mark loves me. Sure, they're really great but I haven't spent much time with them at all."

Casey quirked an eyebrow up at me. "No, they love you." She chuckled. "All I've heard since we got here were stories about you and the crazy stuff you've been doing on the road."

"Oh god…" I groaned and let my face fall into my hands. Why didn't I think of that? Hanging out with a group of gossipmongers like Mark's traveling freak show should've clued me into something. "What'd they tell you?"

Casey grinned shaking her head. "Oh no…no way." She laughed backing away toward the beer. "Go get changed or something. This is your party and you're just staring at it."

She was right. Immediately, I resolved to start enjoying myself. Turning on my heels, I sprinted back into the house and found myself something bathing suit-like to wear, wrapped my black sarong around my hips and headed out to join everyone.

The applause when I walked through the sliding glass door was a little much but Mark seemed to enjoy himself. Obviously it was his idea. He was grinning ear to ear as he met me on the steps with a beer. "Havin fun baby girl?" He laughed kissing me then clinking his plastic cup with mine.

"Couldn't be better." I grinned and leaned against him as we headed back out into the melee.

"I got someone I want ya to meet." He said guiding me through our friends.

"Really?" I asked wracking my brain. Who hadn't I met? Swiveling my head around, all I saw were friendly faces. The girls had made good on the volleyball without me it would appear and gathered around the stereo I caught two of my Canadians and my fellow Detroit boy, Terry, arguing over the CDs. Show, Glen, Batista, and both Hardys were apparently trying to kill each other in the pool, but as I looked over at the grill I saw four, large men I didn't know.

"Mark…are those…" I gasped. He nodded.

Pulling me forward he smiled and raised a hand to them. "Guys…this is my wife." Suddenly I felt really short. I was trapped in a circle of Calaway men and although Mark was by far the tallest of them, the other four were nothing to sneeze at either. "Aid, these are my brothers, David, Mike, Paul, and Tim." He said pointing left to right.

"So great to meet you Adrian." The first one, David said pulling me into a hug. "We've heard so much." Again with the tears. As I leaned against him, I felt an unfathomable wave of belonging, of family. These were Mark's closest friends, his brothers, his partners in crime throughout his whole life. I'd heard stories for so long but between Mark's schedule and their families and obligations, we'd just never gotten around to setting up any time to get together.

"So have I." I laughed and let him go only to be gathered up by another, then another, and finally the last one. "Thank you…all of you for coming."

Stepping back with Mark, I couldn't keep my eyes off of them. I kept comparing their faces. Mark was the only one with long hair but all five of them had some degree of auburn to them. They were all green or hazel eyed, they had the same broad shoulders and slim hips, and their faces although totally different, had the same strong bone structure and deep-set eyes.

"Baby girl?" I shook myself and looked over at Mark. "Welcome back." He grinned at my confusion. "Tim was askin how you like it here in Texas." Oh, so while I was picking them all apart they'd kept talking. Oops…

"I'll be honest, I hadn't thought much about it until I met him." I explained jerking a thumb at my husband. "I couldn't imagine being anywhere else at this point though." I got a rousing round of loud Calaway laughter and that broke all the ice entirely. More beer was distributed, stories were told, the embarrassment of my husband ensued. It was fabulous! It takes a lot to make Mark blush but these four men knew all the secrets.

Before we knew it, the sun was hanging low in the west and the party, still going strong, was bathed in a dusky orange glow. Mark's brothers had handled the burgers and brats expertly and although we were all more than full, the drinks were still flowing.

At some point a bonfire had sprung up probably courtesy of Glen. He was nothing like his character at all but there was one major similarity. The big man loved to play with fire. Any time he came by the house it was a guarantee that there would be beer and roasting marshmallows. Not that any of us minded.

We'd all somehow managed to drag over chairs and towels and whatever else worked for sitting and huddled into the warmth as the night began to cool around us. We were all soggy, and sweaty, and probably more than a little drunk and as we sat around passing bottles, we regaled Casey and Brian and Mark's brothers with stories from the road.

I think Brian was the most profoundly effected by them. Sure he knew how I worked but in the company of the freaks and geeks that had become my friends I'd only gotten worse.

"Hey Aid…" Glen was waving a beer at me to get my attention. "Remember the time you dropped a bucket of creamed corn on Orton?" He giggled and I blushed.

"Oh yeah…" I couldn't help laughing with him. It was such a good rib! You've never lived until you've seen a primadonna kid like Randy Orton blustering with a face full of slimy yellow corn come flying out of the showers.

"Why would you do that?" Brian wheezed laughing beside me. "What the hell?"

"Well you see," Jeff began the story for me. "Randy can dish it out just fine but he can't take it."

"Wasn't that for the raid on the women's locker room?" Terry interjected and I nodded.

"Adrian!" Casey gasped virtually scandalized.

"No, he deserved it." Victoria assured her with a hand on her arm.

"Hell yes he did!" I laughed. "He'd gotten into the habit of sneaking into the women's locker room and…"

"Shittin in people's bags…" Mark finished for me.

"Oh my GOD!" Casey blurted. "I'd kill him!"

"We nearly did honey." Amy told her tucking her red hair behind an ear and reached back to drag the last remaining cooler over to us. The kegs had run dry before the sun had gone down and luckily, our good buddy Adam was sober enough to make a beer run. We were sadly, down to the end of it.

"Why didn't you have him fired or something?" Casey continued and leaned back against Brian. Obligingly, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her on the temple.

"They don't fire names that big…" Show grumbled. "No matter how much we hate them."

"I've got to get in on this…" He chuckled then grunted when Casey shot her pointy elbow back into his stomach.

"C'mon Mark…" His brother Paul was shaking his head knowingly. Oh there was a story there…I could smell it.

"What?" I blurted hoisting my half drunk self off of Mark's shoulder to lean toward the knot of Calaways. "Spill it."

"Drop it bro." Mark grumbled as he yanked me back to him. I tumbled unceremoniously into his lap.

"Like you've got any room to bitch…" Another of his brothers laughed. I think it was Mike.

"I said drop it."

"Nu uh…I've gotta hear this." I laughed and attempted to right myself.

"I seem to remember someone callin me at home laughin his ass off to tell me how he…"

"I said let it go you son-of-a-bitch." Mark growled laughing and launched himself toward his brothers. Three of four went down in a heap under his immense weight, sprawling backward onto the deck of the pool and nearly into it. Tim however, managed to dodge the blow.

"He called me laughin his ass off 'cause he took a dump in Jerry Lawler's crown!" He finished to a chorus of hysterical laughter and shocked faces.

"I said drop it ya bastard!" Mark gasped as he attempted to catch his breath and fight his way free of the other brothers.

"Mark you sick ass!" I laughed and got up, charging them before they had an idea of what I was planning. Hell, I didn't exactly plan it but as soon as the notion hit me, I was running. I caught Mark pretty well square in the midsection and our momentum carried the five of us careening into the deep end.

Drunk and sputtering, we all came up laughing and gladly took the many offered hands up out of the pool.

"What the hell was that for?" Mark laughed and flipped his hair backward out of his face effectively dousing me again. I was laughing so hard as Jeff held onto me that all I could do was shake my head.

"She's as crazy as you Mark!" Tim was gasping for air as he cautiously walked over to the rest of the brothers to make sure they were okay.

"I know…" He grinned then glared at me playfully.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." I finally managed with a deep breath and let go of Jeff long enough to stagger over to Mark. He welcomed me with open arms. I should've known something was off right there. Just as I got comfortable and began to lean into him, he shoved me with all his strength and sent me careening back into the pool.

Flailing wildly for some purchase, I found none and hit the water with a massive splash. A moment later I bobbed up to the surface with a fresh round of sputtering and slogged over to the side to drag myself out again.

"That was a little uncalled for don't you think?" I grumbled making my way back to the crowd.

"Are you okay?" Casey asked hurrying over to me. I gave her an incredulous look and nodded. Of course I was okay. Mark and I had done much worse to each other in the name of fun but then again, Casey didn't know that.

"Of course I am…" I chuckled for her benefit and flopped back down to Mark's lap where he'd resumed his place by the fire. "I owe you for that." I grumbled playfully and leaned back into his chest.

"I'm sure you do." He teased then shifted his attention to Tim. "And I owe you, ya asshole." Immediately, the elder Calaway burst out laughing.

"Why did you do that?" I asked after everyone had calmed down a bit and returned to our little pow wow. Glen smirked from where he'd been poking at the embers.

"He…owed me money!" Mark virtually squeaked. I raised an eyebrow. "Hey, you dumped creamed corn on Randy Orton…"

"Yeah, corn…not feces." I felt Mark shrug against me.

"I was young?" He tried and the chorus of laughter started up again.

"Young my ass…" Bradshaw was chuckling. "You were pissed off and he left that damn crown unattended."

"Shut up…" Mark muttered but there was no malice in it. "I was young and dumb and the opportunity presented itself…"

All hysterics aside, the stories turned away from Mark and back to the general shenanigans they'd all pulled. The trickles of laughter and amazed looks from Casey and Brian were more than I could have ever asked for…the whole night was.

As the hilarity continued, I let my eyes drift around the fire to all the faces there. I had a whole new family, I had Casey and Brian back, and most of all I had my husband.

Shifting a bit, I leaned forward and let the firelight flicker off the diamond on my left hand. It took my breath away. Never in my life could I remember the level of contentment I was feeling at that moment. I never wanted it to end.

"Hey Mark, you got a guest room or two in this place?" It was David, Mark's brother.

Glancing up, he motioned for me to move and stood a bit shakily. "Of course I do. You all looking to crash then?" David nodded yawning. Dropping an arm around his brother's shoulder, he motioned for the rest of them and led them toward the house.

I stood stretching and sidled over to Casey to plop down beside her. She looked tired too and was curled with her legs up in one of our lawn chairs gazing into the fire. "Where'd Brian go?" I asked.

"He made friends with uh…Terry and Jason and Adam and ran off with them I think." She laughed. "Something about horses."

"They better not be messin with my horses." I growled but playfully and leaned my chin on her armrest. "You okay?"

Casey yawned, covering it with the back of her hand and nodded. "Actually yes I am." She said smiling down at me. "I couldn't imagine anything like this."

"Yep…I'm a lucky girl." I grinned. "Do you want me to go stake out a bedroom for you guys? You look tired my friend."

"Probably a good idea." I nodded smiling a bit and stood holding a hand out to her then led her into the house.

I set Casey and Brian up in the last empty room and wandered into my kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. My mind was buzzing a mile a minute and in the quiet darkness by my sink I took a minute to collect myself. The last two days had been a whirlwind of emotion and plain old movement and it was finally beginning to wear on me.

"Darlin?" Mark called walking in after a while. "Adrian what're you doin in here by yourself? Everyone's been lookin' for ya to say good bye."

Setting my glass on the counter I let him wrap me in his arms. God it felt good. He was just as sweaty and damp as I was but it didn't matter. He was my husband and whether he liked it or not, he was stuck with me and all my annoying little habits. At that moment, I was considering making clinging to him one of them. "I set Casey and Brian up in the room off your office."

Nodding Mark kissed my forehead and slid his fingers between mine as he led me out to the yard again. Everyone was milling and apparently waiting for me. Immediately I smiled and started with the hugs.

The mass exodus didn't take long. Most of our company had to be out early in the morning to catch up with the show. Luckily, Mark had taken a week off so once the last rental turned out onto the road, I had him to myself from sun up to sun down for seven whole days.

I yawned a bit as we turned back to douse the fire and flopped down on a chair. Mark scooped up one of the empty coolers and dumped the melted ice over it in a sizzling, popping, hiss then glanced back at me. "Turned out alright didn't it?"

Smiling, I nodded but another yawn broke over me. "You're amazing." It was all I could say as he grinned over at me. "You didn't have to do all this."

Slowly, Mark stood to his full height and came over to me, lifting me by my hands out of the chair. "No, but I wanted to. The look on your face makes it all worth it."

I had to shake my head. I was smiling so wide it actually hurt my face. "You're nuts, you know that? Totally out of your mind." Mark laughed at me and wrapped me up kissing me hard before guiding me back toward the house.

"Might be…I did spend enough time in Detroit to pick up a woman there." Chuckling I swatted him in the chest.

"You make it sound like you rescued me from Bosnia or something."

"It's not too far off." Smirking, he slid open the door and let me walk in ahead of him. I wasn't dignifying that with a response even as my lips worked their ways up into a grin. Making fun of my hometown had become one of his favorite pastimes.

Sighing, I started gathering up the plastic cups that had been left scattered around the house. It'd been so long since I'd had a house party, I forgot what a pain in the ass the clean up was.

"Leave'em baby girl. We'll take care of it in the morning." Mark said from down the hall.

"Some way to start a honeymoon." I laughed but dropped the handful I had on the counter and trailed after him.

"Honeymoon…" Mark grinned as he easily swept me off my feet and into his arms. "I like the sound of that." Kissing me passionately, he backed into our room kicking the door shut behind us.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: As always...I apologize for the ungodly long time between updates...This chapter was fairly difficult for me to write and it's been revised waaaay too many times probably. lol I hope it's up to par with the rest of what I've got down. Anyway...enjoy. Your feedback is greatly appreciated. I shall try to be more punctual I swear! lolol _

* * *

Casey's week flew by way too quickly. I took her everywhere I could think of but most of it ended up as shopping. Casey was less impressed by the quiet majesty of Texas' open plains than she was by Houston's designer retail. We actually had to buy her another suitcase to get all her acquisitions back to Detroit.

My heart started to sink again as I drove home from the airport. Having Casey with me for the week had both helped immensely and ruined me. The idea of going home alone did absolutely nothing for my mood. In fact, the closer I got to the ranch, the further my stomach dropped into my ass.

Hopping off the freeway, I started angling around to the back of my property. The rag mags had come and gone a few times while Casey was around so I'd given up using my driveway entirely. Mark was going to have a shit fit when he saw the tire tracks across the back lawn… As soon as I thought it, I mentally berated myself. It was as if my subconscious had already decided I was letting him come home. The front of my mind however had other ideas.

Casey and I had talked a lot about my situation and she was kind enough to inform me that I was always just fine by myself. I was the one that reminded her Brian wasn't the whole of her life, I was the one who skated through high school with my guitar, sarcasm, and a smile, and I was always…ALWAYS…comfortable alone. Hearing it out loud had helped my state of mind but as I bounced my way over our hideously rutty access road, I didn't feel okay. I didn't like the fact that there was no one in the house and as much as I hated to admit it, I didn't like it that Mark wasn't coming home any time soon.

Grumbling to myself, I parked my Durango on the far side of the barn and stopped inside to give our two horses a scratch and let them out into the paddock to run, then headed back inside the house. I peeled back a teeny corner of the curtain and scowled. The van wasn't there but there was an old Toyota hidden badly behind a couple of trees. Little did they know, I recognized the ratty little beater and hurried off to the bedroom to gather the laundry before night fell and I had to turn the lights on. If I was going to be relegated to the basement for another night I might as well have something to do. The gigantic testosterone infused TV across from Mark's gigantic testosterone infused couch just didn't hold the fascination for me that it did for my husband.

Dragging the hamper behind me, I thumped it down one step at a time and kicked it toward the laundry room. Standing and stretching I looked around and sighed. It was silent and empty, just the way I left it. God it sucked. I wanted Casey back…or Glen. Glen would've been good to have around. He however, was tending to Mark's bruised psyche on the road and even if he wasn't, he was still part of the show. I couldn't very well steal him.

"This sucks…" I muttered under my breath and walked over, clicking the huge TV on to VH-1. That alone, made me wince a bit. The mere fact that the music I wanted to hear was now being played on VH-1 reinforced the fact that I was getting older. Grunting in defiance, I pitched my cell phone and keys on the couch, turned up the volume, and wandered back to sort clothes.

As I jammed my fourth load into the dryer, my cell phone started chirping from the other room. Cursing under my breath, I slammed the dryer door and bolted toward the couch. I snatched it up as I flopped down and hit send.

"Hello?"

"Hey darlin." Mark said and my stomach did a somersault. I hadn't really thought about it while Casey was with me but I hadn't talked to him since before she showed up. "You uh…you okay?"

"Yeah…I'm fine." I lied. "Sorry I haven't called it's just…"

"Casey was with ya. I'd have called earlier but I didn't wanna ruin your fun." He finished for me.

Settling back I frowned a bit. "You wouldn't have ruined my fun Mark." I sighed. "We were just so busy. I was showing her all over."

"Did a lot of shoppin then huh?" He chuckled.

"Yeah…a LOT of shopping." I laughed with him. "How's the tour?"

I heard him sigh heavily from the other end. "It's goin alright. I'm not actually on the show right now so it's a lot of waitin and traveling."

Shit. That thought made me feel like a world-class heel. Normally he'd be at home on his off time and because of me, he was staying on with the show. Double shit… "Well, you've got to be doing something to keep yourself occupied, right?"

The rueful chuckle from the other end made me feel worse. "I'm catchin up on my reading I guess."

"Reading huh?" Oh yeah, that was eloquent but my mood was slipping toward the crapper again.

"Yep. Been readin' that series you kept ravin about." My eyes nearly bugged out of my head.

"Really?" I smiled and it was so big it seeped into my voice. "You're reading Dragonlance?"

"Yeah…I am." His voice sounded as excited as mine. "You didn't tell me there were so damn many of'em though."

"Well, I never actually expected you to read them." I laughed.

"Surprise surprise…" He was still grinning, I could tell. "And you'll be surprised to know, I'm enjoying myself."

"I've got to say, I am flabbergasted."

Mark snorted. "I can read you know…"

"Of course you can." I laughed harder. "You made it through the marriage license just fine."

"Woman…" He sputtered and I just knew he was shaking his head on the other end. That was his standard response to my playful little digs. He'd start in on the teasing and I'd zip in with something snappy and eventually, he'd give up with his _woman_ and shake his head as he retreated to the garage. That was my cue for the happy dance. Yeah, he hated that too.

"Sorry…I couldn't resist." I grinned.

"Wouldn't have ya any other way baby girl." That small, endearing comment left me a bit speechless. I opened my mouth to speak but only a little puff of air came out. "Yeah…well, I actually did have a reason for calling." He said, a little crestfallen at my lack of response.

"Sorry you caught me off guard there." I finally managed and shifted deeper into the cushions. "What uh…what'd you need?"

"Well…" Mark sighed and was silent for a long time. The tension in the interim was so thick my heart picked up a bit. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay…"

Okay? God how many times were we going to have the same conversation? Maybe he thought if he asked the question enough, the answer would change. I didn't know. All I did know was I was not going through it again.

"Look, my situation is exactly the way it was last week. Sure, I miss you but…"

"Adrian…do you know what I'm talking about?" He cut me off. "Did you forget what today is?"

The anger died on my lips. Immediately, I fumbled for the remote and flipped to the preview guide. It was September fifteenth according to the little box in the corner of the screen and the realization made my blood freeze in my veins. "Oh my god…" I gasped. "Oh god…"

"Take a deep breath baby girl. S'okay." He was using the calm rational voice and as much as I wanted to deny it, it did help the trembling in my stomach if not the tears streaming down my face. "I didn't mean to call up and fuck with your head. I just wanted to make sure you were dealin alright."

"How…how could I…forget?" I gasped and fought the sob fighting to break free. "We lost…"

"Shhh…c'mon angel…you gotta breathe for me." He continued in that soft voice I loved so much. It was the same voice he'd used three years ago when he rocked me while I laid sobbing in a hospital bed hooked to machines, listening to beeps, and begging for the important one to stop. "It's all over. It's been over for years. Where's that strong woman I married?"

"Stop that bullshit Mark!" I screamed into the phone. "I lost our BABY!"

"Adrian…"

"NO! I lost our girl!"

"It wasn't you fault." He said definitively. His tone brooking absolutely no argument but I'd been with the man long enough to be immune to it.

"Then who's fault was it? Huh? My body couldn't hold up to the strain. Not yours! No one else's but mine!" I was hysterical. I was screaming at Mark…again. I'd done the same thing to him every year since it happened.

"Adrian…stop it. C'mon now, there's no way we could've known…"

"We should have!" I barked. Mark sighed. Somewhere under my all-encompassing grief, I knew this wasn't any easier for him than it was for me but I felt like my chest was exploding and no matter how bad I wanted to, I couldn't stop yelling.

"Adrian, you're fucking diabetic. Even if we had known before you got pregnant, nothing could've helped what happened. The docs said so."

I couldn't listen to him. I couldn't let him make this better. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. This was exactly the last thing I needed on my plate at that moment and I felt endlessly guilty for wanting to forget the date and let the whole moment pass by. Instead of taking the deep breath I needed to and trying to get myself under control like I should have, I exploded in a direction even I didn't know I was going in.

"Is _this _why you did what you did?" I spat furious at everything.

"Wha? What? What the fuck are you talking about?" Mark came out with as much venom as I was using at the time.

"That's it isn't it?" I went on against my better judgment. "I can't have your babies and you went looking for someone who could!"

"You're out of your damn mind woman!"

He was yelling but it didn't faze me. It all made sense suddenly. "That IS it!"

"NO that's not fuckin it!" He shouted back. "Diabetes…kids or no kids…you're my wife!"

"Then what Mark? Why?" My screaming broke into a sob and it seemed to leach all the anger out of him.

"Baby girl…" He sighed quietly. "I love you. I loved you the day I married you, I loved you the day we lost her, and I love you now. What happened has nothing to do with you not bein able to carry my child."

"I give up…" I wept. "I just give up…I can't do this anymore."

"Don't say that to me." He said, his voice shaking. "Don't you dare say that." God, hearing Mark like this tore at my heart. I hadn't heard it since that day three years ago. He'd cried with me then, even as he comforted me and I'd been eternally grateful. I don't think I could've gotten out of that bed if he hadn't shown me that side of him. Mark always seemed like some inexorable force, something that never stopped and was never fazed or ruffled by anything but that day, while the gray sky leaked feeble light into my hospital room, he showed me exactly what I needed to see. "Adrian, let me come home. I…don't wanna do this alone either."

What a heartless bitch I had become.

"I can't see you…" I gasped, my voice little more than breath under my tears. "I've gotta go." I hung up and threw my cell phone across the room where it shattered against the far wall with a satisfying crash but I was beyond satisfaction at that moment. I knew he meant well. I knew he was calling to comfort me but I could have done just fine without remembering and that thought made me feel even more hideous and faithless. I couldn't help myself though; if ever there was a time I didn't need any more stress or misery this was it.

The phone was ringing upstairs. Apparently getting my voicemail hadn't made Mark any happier but I wasn't about to answer it. I couldn't talk to him anymore. I didn't know if I ever could. All the pain I'd ever felt in my life seemed to be rearing it's ugly head at one time. The night in Kansas City, Casey's blow up as Mark proposed to me, finding out I could never be a mother…all of it and more rushed through me like a flood until I couldn't do anything but lay on the couch and cry.

Hours passed that way…well, it could've been minutes I wasn't sure but eventually I managed to get myself under control and somewhere near human again. The phone was still ringing. It had been ringing non-stop. It would ring seven or eight times and then the machine would pick up, then it would ring again. I knew it was Mark. Who else could it be?

I'm not sure what made me do it. Every part of my brain screamed to let the machine pick it up again and Mark be damned but I got up anyway and, wiping at my eyes, made my way up the stairs in the dark to the phone just as my voice announced I wasn't home again.

"Mark?" I cried, my voice shaking like crazy.

"Oh thank God." He gasped, his voice trembling more than mine was. "I…thought you did somethin…"

"No…I wouldn't do that…ever…" He didn't know that. I know he didn't and after the way I'd been after I lost the baby, I didn't blame him for a second.

"I was gonna call the police if you didn't answer this time…"

"Don't…" I sniffed. Yeah that was the last thing I needed. Cop cars and EMS showing up lights and sirens going like crazy. "I'm okay I just sort of lost it for a minute."

"A minute? I've been callin nonstop for an hour." He told me and I heard him sniff hard away from the phone. "Why'd you shut off your cell?"

"I didn't shut it off." I was a little guilty about that part. "I sort of…smashed it."

"You did what?" He said and almost laughed. "Gonna have to get you a new one huh?"

"Yeah…" I agreed, the corners of my mouth turning up a bit even as the tears continued to fall. Now that the moment had passed, it was sort of funny. A psychotic woman screaming in her basement and smashing cell phones. Oh yeah, it's a really good thing the tabloids didn't see that.

"Baby girl, you scared the shit out of me just now." His voice was so quiet, so honest. "I don't know what I woulda done if…" That voice! My throat was burning with the need to scream at him to come home. Everything could be forgiven maybe even forgotten but I couldn't do this alone!

"I didn't…do anything." I finally managed. "I just laid here and cried a lot." Mark muttered something and then barked a rueful laugh.

"I should be there to hold you while you cry Adrian."

"But you can't be…I can't have you here." There, I said it again. It was definitive and any more pushing out of him would just start another fight. I couldn't be sure, but I had a feeling Mark was as tired of the fighting as I was.

"I know…I just hope…" He stopped and I heard the heavy sigh break out of him. "You know what I hope."

Swallowing hard I nodded as I answered. "Yeah…"

"You think there's any chance baby girl?"

"I don't know…" I whispered and heard something crash on the other end of the line. With everything that I was, I hoped there was but every time I started to get comfortable with him my mind would conjure up what I'd seen those weeks ago like some sort of god damned security system. "I miss you…"

"I miss you too beautiful."

"I just…can't…" I cried again. Stupid tears…Stupid heart…Stupid fucking brain…

"Well we got this far I guess. You're not hangin up on me anymore." Mark muttered and I heard a glass door slide. "Maybe we can work it out slowly."

"Maybe…"

"That's better than no so I'll take it."

"I need to get some sleep." I blurted out of nowhere. Mark didn't sound surprised though. I suppose he'd gotten used to my new abrupt manner.

"Can I call you tomorrow?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay good. I love you Aid. I swear I do." He told me and I believed every word of it.

"Love you too." Then I hung up.

The silence was oppressive and I really couldn't handle it. If I didn't find some way to cope my head was going to explode. This was all too much. The endless tears were driving me crazier than I suspected I already was. How could I not be crazy? I had a man I was effectively destroying who was willing to do anything for me. _That cheated on you with a groupie!_

God! My brain was right! I couldn't let this one moment of weakness sway my decision. Lord knows I wanted to trust him but… Shaking my head, I let the thought trail off as I shuffled down the hallway to the bathroom. The bastards on my lawn were a persistent bunch and I was not about to turn on a light and give them something to pounce on. Luckily, I have always had exceptional night vision.

Pulling open drawers, my frustration level mounted. I _knew _there was a prescription bottle with my name on it in one of them but it'd been so long since I'd looked for it, I couldn't remember where it was or if Mark had gotten rid of them. Jesus I hoped he hadn't.

Fumbling toward the back of a drawer, my fingers brushed something and I heard a rattle. Latching onto it, I yanked it out and squinted in the darkness at the label. Oh it was what I was looking for alright. It was right there in black and white. Calaway, Adrian V., Xanax .05 milligrams. I went ahead and read over the dosage instructions again considering it'd been nearly a year since I'd taken one but quickly dismissed them. My heart was pounding like a jackhammer against my ribs and if the tears didn't stop soon I was going to be as shriveled as a leaf in October.

Once I'd worked the stupid childproof cap, I shook two little blue pills into my hand, frowned at them, and added another. The day needed to be over…like NOW and these little babies were going to do me just fine.

Jamming the bottle into my pocket, I went back to the kitchen and opened the fridge quickly for something to swallow them with. I frowned again. I hadn't realized it but somehow in all my distress, I'd ended up stocking my refrigerator with nothing but beer and iced tea and from the look of the pitcher, I was fresh out of iced tea. Snorting, I grabbed a Killian's and stalked toward my bedroom.

Screw the tabloids. The idea of trundling myself back downstairs to sleep on a couch was nauseating. I was sleeping in my own damned bed and as I turned into the room, the tiniest bit of my anxiety seemed to disappear. It was however, nowhere near the relaxation I would need to sleep.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I twisted the top off the bottle and popped the pills into my mouth. Even as I brought the bottle to my lips, I berated myself for ignoring the drug/alcohol warnings but one sip wasn't going to send me into cardiac arrest. Well…two sips. After that, I set the bottle aside, shifted fully onto the bed, and began flipping channels on our much smaller television.

I was half watching an episode of NYPD Blue when I gave up fighting with my eyes. The Xanax had done it's job perfectly. My heart was somewhere near normal again and the tears had dried on my cheeks so, before the dosage wore off, I clicked off the TV and let the sleep come.

* * *

"Hey baby girl…" Mark's voice over my ear was both a welcome nicety and annoying as hell. Never have I been accused of being a morning person and generally, Mark would leave me be until I got up on my own. It was safer for all involved. However, from the moment he found out I was pregnant, he'd been hovering and driving me absolutely nuts.

"Nu uh…" I muttered and shifted away from him. The bed was comfy and he wanted to take me out of it. Not happening…

"C'mon Aid. Breakfast is gonna get cold if you make me sit here pokin at you til you drag your ass down the hall." He chuckled and nudged me again. "Actually, it's more like lunch. You do realize it's after two right?"

My eyes popped open at that one. "After two?" I whined and rubbed my bleary peepers. "Holy shit."

"Yeah, you slept through half the day."

Pushing him out of the way I hoisted myself into a sitting position and shook my head to clear it. "I'm sorry, I just can't seem to wake up today." I said and stretched then held my arms out to him. Obligingly, he pulled me up to my feet and let me lean sleepily on him.

"You feelin okay?" He asked and kissed my forehead. I nodded. Sure, I was tired and my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton but I was pregnant and according to the books I'd looked through, that was fairly normal. The first trimester was apparently fraught with sleepiness and bouts of stupidity.

"I'm fine hon…Seriously." I reassured him and moved out of his grasp. Immediately, my head spun a bit and I fell back into him. "Okay maybe not so fine." Giggling a bit, I forced myself upright and yawning with one hand on my growing belly, shuffled down the hall toward the kitchen.

Mark was hot on my heels like the big scary vulture he'd become. Okay, I didn't hate it all the time. It was nice to see his paternal instinct rear it's ugly head but I was a big girl. I was big enough to move across the country, marry a redneck, and get knocked up; I could make it to the kitchen table.

"Go on and sit down. I got ya covered." He said and kicked one chair out with his boot. Raising my eyebrow I did as he said and tried not to shift around like a kid in church. Mark had taken more and more time off the more pregnant I got and having him home so often was actually a little odd. I didn't mind per se, I'd just gotten used to taking care of myself.

"So what's gotten into you?" I grinned as my husband bustled around the kitchen piling a plate with eggs and sausages and whatever else he'd come up with.

"What?" He asked, his eyebrows pulling together in an adorable little red frown.

"I think you're becoming more domestic than me and I do all your laundry."

"Suddenly I'm not allowed to take care of my pregnant wife?" He grinned and I smiled with him.

"I'm pregnant, not an invalid."

"So I'm not takin any chances." Smiling, he sat down with two huge plates and set one in front of me.

"Yeah, I can't eat like you dear." I chuckled and shoveled half of what he'd given me onto his plate. Frowning, Mark swatted my hand and shoveled it back.

"The two of ya can just fine." He insisted and nudged the plate closer again. I relented and started eating. Then again, it's not like I had a whole lot of choice. Mark sat there expectantly until I'd eaten what he considered enough then dug into his own.

It was nice to be babied a bit though. Mark always said I didn't have to be such a hardass but how do you just up and change your programming? He'd been showing me since we started dating that I could be girlie if I wanted to. The problem was, I didn't really want to. Until now that was.

When I'd gotten the news that yes, I was in fact pregnant my whole attitude seemed to change a bit. I was going to be somebody's momma. Whoa! I was so overwhelmed that when Mark came home that weekend, I pounced on him crying and apologizing. Once I got the words out however, he'd scooped me up laughing and telling me he knew it and couldn't have been happier.

The thing was, we'd never talked about kids. I know that wasn't the smartest conversation to avoid but the thought had just never crossed my mind. When I met Mark we were good together and as far as I was concerned, whatever happened, happened. So, when I bought the test and watched the little strip come up with two lines instead of one, I panicked a bit. As usual, Mark fixed it. When I saw the look of astonishment fade and the smile break out underneath it, the weight immediately lifted off my chest and my brain started making plans. We'd need a crib…and a stroller…and a doctor's appointment or six hundred of them…

"Baby girl?" Mark asked and I had to shake myself out of my tour down memory lane. "You sure you're alright?"

"Yes." I said nodding definitively. "I am just fine. I was just thinking is all."

"Bout what?"

"Nothing in particular." I said but my hand strayed down to my belly where it was just starting to get the teeniest bit round and Mark smiled broadly. Nodding, he leaned across and kissed me.

"So I was thinkin we'd go for a little ride today."

Frowning I looked at him. "I can't get on the bikes. Doc's orders."

"Who said anything about the bikes? I was thinkin we'd take a ride out to Bastrop and get some coffee or somethin." Well that got my attention.

"And bread?" I grinned, my eyes lighting up like a kid on Christmas.

"Of course bread." He laughed and got up with both of our plates and walked them to the sink. "Why don't ya go get dressed and meet me in the garage." You don't have to tell me twice. Hopping up, I kissed him lightly on the shoulder and hurried off to get dressed.

Now, there is one major problem with pregnancy…maternity clothes. As I pulled open my closet door I grimaced. I was officially too big to wear my normal clothes but I wasn't whale-like enough to require the obligatory pregnant woman moo-moo yet so my clothes had taken on this hideous in between thing where nothing fit right and everything looked wrong.

Eventually, I settled to the biggest pair of jeans I owned and one of Mark's Easyrider T-shirts that hung nearly to my knees. I slid into my boots, tossed my hair up into a ponytail and headed off down the hall toward the garage. I must've been going too fast after I ate or something. My head got a little swirly about half way down the hall and I had to stop and catch my breath. Maybe five seconds later however, I was right as rain and ready to go.

When I reached the garage, Mark was already in the cab of his truck looking like an overanxious kid but he smiled and leaned over to pop my door for me. After some bit of trouble, I managed to haul my widening ass into a truck built for a man of six foot ten and we were off.

I spent most of the ride dozing. Every so often, Mark would rub my leg and bring me back to consciousness. I felt so guilty. Here he was, trying to give me a break from the endless cycle of vomit and sleeping and doctors and I couldn't keep my eyes open. Everything I'd read and all the women I'd talked to said that my exhaustion was normal and to be expected but I was so tired…SO tired…

"Sorry hon…" I yawned as he pulled off the freeway. Smiling, Mark laughed and squeezed my knee.

"Don't start. I figure most of it's the caffeine withdrawal. You haven't had a regular cup of coffee in three months." I had to laugh at his logic. It was a very true statement and as dependent as I was on the stuff, it made some sense.

"We're almost there then?" I asked forcing myself upright. Mark nodded without taking his eyes off the road and reached down to turn up the radio. Smiling, I let James Hetfield's rasping vocals spill over me and settled back again. The loud guitars kept me awake and after a little bit, Mark and I were joking and laughing like always.

"C'mon now, what's wrong with Lucas?" My husband laughed as I shot down another hideous name.

"Just because we live in Texas doesn't mean we have to name our kids like cowboys dear." I chuckled. "Besides, you can toss the boy's names out the friggin window."

Mark's eyebrow shot up as he glanced over at me. "You know somethin I don't?" He grinned.

"Can't say for certain but everyone says to listen to a mother's instinct." Oh my God, a mother's instinct? I had one of those? Wow that blew my mind too. "And this is a girl." Patting my stomach again, I smiled triumphantly.

"Alright then." He nodded and cut a sharp left. "How bout Janie?" I wrinkled my nose. "What's wrong with Janie? Janie's adorable."

"Yeah, adorable. That's precisely the point. You want your daughter to be adorable forever?"

"Hell yes I do." He barked laughing and thumped the steering wheel. Involuntarily, I rolled my eyes. "She ain't dating…ever…"

"Oh come on!" I squeaked and turned toward him. "You know as well as I do life does not work that way."

I had to laugh as Mark's lips disappeared. "Does in my house woman…" My eyes did that rolling thing again and I shook my head staring out the window. "Lock'er ass in the basement…" He was smiling but I wasn't about to dignify the comment with a response.

"Scarlet." I smiled after a short while. Mark immediately looked like he smelled something rancid. "What's wrong with Scarlet?"

"I ain't namin' my daughter after a color." He grumbled. "Or a fever."

"Okay…How about…Rachael?" He made the face again. Snorting, I shook my head. "Maybe…Morgan?" Out of the corner of my eye I saw his considering expression. Yes! Pay dirt! "You like Morgan?"

"Yeah…I think I do." He nodded and swung the truck into a parking spot. "We'll put it on the maybe list. I still think we should come up with some boy names just in case."

Laughing I reached over and laced my fingers over his on the shifter. "If it'll make you feel better." It was patronizing and he took it exactly that way.

"If it'll make me feel better…" He repeated, his voice mocking and high. "C'mon…let's get you somethin to eat."

"What makes you think I'm hungry?" I called after him as he hopped out of the truck and walked around to open my door.

"You're pregnant. You're hungry." He grinned and gave me a hand down. As I touched the pavement, my head reeled a bit and I put a hand out to steady myself on the truck. Immediately, Mark's green eyes darkened.

"I'm fine." I told him to cut off the 'are you okay' I knew was coming. He cocked his head in his favorite disbelieving posture. "I am…I just get dizzy once in a while."

"Twice in a few hours?"

"Three times…actually."

"Three times!" He blustered stroking my cheek. "The time in the bedroom, this time, and…"

"In the hall while you were getting the truck."

"Jesus Christ Aid, why didn't you tell me?" Once my head cleared a bit, I pushed him gently out of my personal space and stood on my own two feet.

"See? Peachy keen." I even danced a little jig in a circle to prove my point. Mark stood in front of me with his arms crossed clearly unthrilled. "I'm fine Mark…"

"Yeah…real fine." He snorted but seemed to relent holding his big hand out to me. "Let's find you coffee."

That was exactly the correct answer. Coffee could heal the worst ills as far as I was concerned and wrapping my arm around my husband's waist, I let him pull me toward the Deli Depot, home cooked goodness since nineteen ninety six.

As soon as we pushed through the door, both Mark's tension and mine seemed to melt out of us. I'd found the place a year or so before on a long rambling ride while Mark was out on the road and when he got home, I dragged him out to show it to him. Sure, it was two hours away from home but they had the best pastries I'd ever found and food was definitely one of my main joys in life.

"Ooh, the cinnamon rolls are fresh." I squeaked and bounced over to the glass-front cooler. "They're still fogging up the window."

"So get one." Mark chuckled as he walked up behind me, placing his hands on my hips. God I loved that. I never was one for public displays of affection and neither was he but he was never shy about making his feelings known with a little touch or a look. It was juuuust enough.

"Two I think." I grinned looking over my shoulder at him.

"Hell get the whole tray if it keeps my girls happy." Girls? The small admission made me smile wider than I thought I could.

"Two would be fine." I said dryly and shoved at him grinning. Mark nodded softly and flagged down my favorite sweet old lady.

"Adrian!" She smiled bustling down as she wiped her hands on her apron and patted her perpetual gray helmet hair. "Where have you been honey?"

"I'm sorry ma'am, I've been keepin her pretty busy." Mark smiled. The woman whirled on her heels to look at him.

"And who might you be?" She asked in her adorable drawl and Mark actually blushed.

"Mrs. Barestrom, this is my husband Mark." The woman's face lit up. "I brought him once before but I think you must've actually taken a day off."

"Well, well…" She said appraisingly and folded her soft little arms over her chest. "You better be treatin this girl right. We just love'er here."

"I love'er too. Don't you worry about that." Mark smiled and pulled me toward him. Automatically, I twisted a bit so my belly didn't bounce off of him and Mrs. Barestrom's eyes lit up.

"Adrian!" She gasped and bustled around the counter. "Are you…"

It was my turn to blush as she dug through the folds of Mark's voluminous t-shirt to rub at my stomach. "Yeah actually." I laughed. "That's sort of why I haven't been here in a while."

"Doc's told her she can't ride til after." Mark explained.

"And I've just been so tired."

Mrs. Barestrom smiled a knowing smile and patted my hand as Mark held it. "Don't you worry. It happened to me with all four of mine. You'll be better by the fourth month or so." Oh god, so I had to wait at least another couple weeks before my brain became my own again. "But look at me fussing over you like a mother hen!" Giggling, she hurried back around the counter to take our order.

Sighing happily, I wandered over to stare at all the cakes and pies again. Wow, I was hungrier than I thought. Everything looked good. Given half a chance, I'd have eaten the cute little paper doilies everything was set on. Luckily, Mark was on the ball and before I could start clawing my way through the glass case, he appeared at my side with a baggie and a little carrier with two very large paper cups of coffee.

"Have I ever mentioned that you're my hero?" I smiled and made to take a cup. Tsking, Mark moved them out of my reach and handed me the one with a huge orange X on top of it. "Decaf huh?"

"Yep." He smiled back and handing me the bag, dropped his arm over my shoulder and guided me outside to a table. Once we were seated, I frowned over my cup at him but drank it anyway. No caffeine for me. He'd made that perfectly clear from the first minute and after our first doctor's appointment, he'd had even more ammunition. No, caffeine wouldn't kill me but it'd make me REALLY uncomfortable and wind up the baby like crazy. Who'd have thought it'd have an effect in utero? Yeah, I know…EVERYBODY would but that didn't mean I liked it.

"Thanks." I said as I watched the traffic roll by. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mark's confused expression and I almost wanted to laugh.

"For what?"

"For…everything I think." Now it was Mark's turn to laugh.

"I didn't do anything special baby girl." Nothing special? Well that was the biggest misconception he'd ever come out with.

My eyes must have bugged out of my head as he spoke because he burst out laughing harder. "Where do I start?" I sputtered then got very serious as I looked at him. At that moment, I couldn't get over my amazing luck. Scooting my chair over to him, I placed my hand over his on the little café table and squeezed it, loving it's roughness and looked into his eyes…his impossibly green eyes.

"Angel, you're makin me nervous." He teased me and cracked a little smile that only furthered the feeling fluttering in my chest.

"Shut up and let me say this before my moment passes." I grinned even though I knew my eyes were going cloudy. It had to be the hormones, had to be. "You are amazing you know that?"

"C'mon Aid…" He began and made to look away from me but I swatted his hand.

"No, you need to hear this. You wanted to know why I was thanking you didn't you?" Mark nodded and leaned back sipping at his coffee as he did so.

I took a deep breath and searched for the correct words. How do you tell someone they turned your life into a fairy tale? "I…just wanted to thank you…for taking a chance back in that bar."

"Baby girl…" He shook his head as he spoke and even blushed a bit.

"I don't think you know what was really going on in my life before I met you." Again, he opened his mouth but seemed to think better of it and shoved the little bag toward me. It was a welcome distraction actually. I was having such a hideously sappy moment I almost hoped the cinnamon roll I virtually devoured in one chomp would help it pass…but it didn't.

"You feel better yet?" He chuckled clearly unnerved by me but I shook my head. I wasn't done. He'd done so much for me and I'd never actually verbalized how grateful I was.

"Mark, nothing was going on before I met you. I was bartending in a nowhere club, living in a nothing apartment with no aspirations of better, and going through the motions." Geez, looking back on my life made it sound even sadder than I knew it was. "You…were exactly what I needed."

"Adrian, I knew I was gonna talk to you as soon as I saw you and Casey and Brian sit down." His eyes had taken on the same seriousness I felt in my gut and it sent me spiraling further into my 'moment'.

"You showed me this whole new world full of your friends who are now my friends, moved me away from the stagnation I was stuck in, told me I wasn't so boring until I believed it, made me your wife, and now I'm having your baby." I blurted it all out before I had a chance to think and taking a deep breath, pushed on further. "I never thought luck like this was real until I met you and I just…had to tell you…I guess."

Mark just sat there staring at me, his face giving away nothing of what was going on in his brain. The longer we sat there, the more I began to fidget until I gave up and shoved my other cinnamon roll into my mouth before anything else stupid came out.

"I'm the lucky one Aid." He finally whispered glancing down at the table, his hand still under mine but now turned palm up and squeezing the hell out of my fingers. "I'm just an old man flaunting my younger wife and countin my lucky stars she hasn't realized I'm a geezer." I moved to argue but he shook his head. "S'okay either way, old or not. Ya love me don't you?" I opened my mouth to speak too late to avoid pelting Mark with crumbs. It seemed I'd forgotten to chew or swallow the cinnamon roll I'd jammed into my pie hole. It did however break the tension. Mark closed his eyes against the barrage and burst out laughing again. I did my best not to as I chewed but once I'd gotten it down, I broke into a giggling fit as well.

"Of course I love you, you moron!" I squeaked and threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him fiercely. Mark hugged me to him, albeit gingerly, and pressed his face into my neck whispering words I didn't catch but it didn't matter. I knew what he was going for and I couldn't have been happier.

We spent most of the afternoon in front of the Deli talking about the baby and what we were going to do when he was on the road. There wasn't much to be done however; I'd have to do what I always did when Mark was on the road. I took care of the house and the bills and now, I'd just work being a mother into the routine. Sure, it sounded easy in my head too. The biggest problem was going to be Mark's time away from his kids…er…kid. One at a time…

"What if I retire?" Mark asked and he sounded a bit at a loss. I nodded slowly but didn't look at him. As the afternoon wore on and the sun drifted further across the sky, my head got fuzzier and fuzzier. "Aid? You okay?"

"Huh?" It wasn't a terribly eloquent response but there was a sunspot twinkling on the bumper of a truck across the road that seemed to hold onto my attention. I couldn't quite pull my eyes off of it.

"Hey…Look at me." He went on and squeezed my knee. Shaking my head, I turned toward him.

"What's up?" I asked but Mark was looking at me hard. "What?"

"Hmmm…you sure you're okay? You've been pretty quiet for a while."

"I'm just getting tired I guess. My head feels fuzzy again." I told him and yawned. Mark was still frowning at me. "I'm _fine_…"

"Stay put. I'll go get the truck." He said definitively and stood up. Rolling my eyes, I got up with him.

"The truck is like ten feet away. I think I can handle it." I countered but I think my argument would've held more weight if I hadn't wobbled into him.

"Jesus, we're goin to the hospital. This ain't normal. I don't care who says what in what book." Immediately I shrugged out of his grasp. I was NOT going to the hospital and ruining a great day.

"No…no I don't think so. I'm alright Mark. Really…" Standing on my own two feet again and able to stare my husband in the eye seemed to lend some credence to my half of the dispute. Mark narrowed his eyes at me and sulked but I could see I'd won. He didn't want to spend time in the hospital any more than I did.

"Alright fine. If you don't feel better by tomorrow we'll call the doc and see what he's got to say." Fair enough. Nodding, I held a hand out and let him lead me toward the car.

As we walked I found myself leaning harder and harder against Mark's side. I was so tired! My legs felt like lead and even though I knew we were making headway, the truck seemed to be mocking me with it's distance. Blinking rapidly, I mustered my courage and using Mark's weight, kept myself moving forward.

I heard him say something from above me but when I turned my head toward him the world seemed to go into stop motion. By the time my vision got around to squaring up on Mark, I knew I'd been staring at him for too long. The crease in the center of his forehead was back and he was holding onto my upper arms as if I was going to float away. Truth be told, I just might have. I felt like I was under water. My hearing was muffled and my eyes were so blurry I knew I was squinting to make out his face.

"What's goin on baby girl?" He asked me but I heard it in slow motion. His five little concerned words seemed to take an hour to get through to my brain.

"Something's…" I began but the _wrong_ never made it out of my mouth. Before I knew what was happening, Mark's hands on my arms tightened painfully. Dimly I knew he was trying to hold me up but my bones seemed to have disappeared. My legs wouldn't work and as I slipped out of Mark's grasp the world dimmed around me. I remember trying to reach back, to break my fall but I hit hard and bounced and when I did, I looked up for Mark. He was already kneeling down but it was in slow motion too. I couldn't make my brain work! I couldn't think. I think I tried to ask what happened but everything went black.

The next thing I remembered was an annoying beeping and my left arm was freezing. I tried to drag it under my blanket but it wouldn't bend.

"What the hell…" I muttered and was surprised to hear it come out as a croak. This would never do… I felt like I'd been hit by a truck.

"Don't move Aid…" A voice to my left told me. Cracking open my eyes, I looked over and saw a familiar face.

"Tim?" I croaked again and cleared my throat. "What's…What are you doing here?"

My brother in law's hazel eyes darkened and my heart kicked up a notch. "Wait…what's goin on…" I asked and made to sit up but my head spun and my body rebelled in ways I didn't know it could. Tim was over the side of the bed I was in before I could force myself any further upright, not that I could have gotten myself into a sitting position if I'd wanted to. I was so weak and there was this…catheter… That little realization did not make me very happy at all.

"Just…stay still okay?" Tim said to me and ran his hand over his short cop hair. "I'll…go get Mark." He looked so nervous.

"Wait…Tim…what…" I called after him but he was already out the door. Once he was gone I laid back into the flat pillows and actually took a moment to look around. Blinking furiously, I saw why my left arm wasn't mobile. It was strapped down to a little board and had tubes sticking out of it. Shit…hospital. What the FUCK was I doing in a hospital?

My stomach started churning as I fought the fog in my head to try to retrace my steps. Mark and I had been having coffee and talking about the future but from there everything got fairly muddled. Closing my eyes, I tried harder to remember but there was nothing after standing up and heading off toward the truck.

What the hell was going on? Why couldn't I remember what happened? I could feel the panic starting to grip my gut and swallowed dryly to keep it down.

"Baby girl?" Mark gasped as he virtually ran through the door and just the sound of his voice calmed me down. If there was something to fix, my husband could definitely fix it. He always did. "You're awake…"

"Mark what the hell am I…" I stopped and frowned confused. "What do you mean I'm awake?" As I spoke I took a good look at Mark. He looked as tired as I felt, his eyes were dull and the bags under them were big enough to carry groceries in.

Before he could answer a man in a white lab coat followed him, bustled over to my side, and started staring into my eyes with his goofy little penlight. Mark stood off to the side watching as the doctor asked me the most inane questions I'd ever heard. Of course I knew what day it was…it was September twelfth for crying out loud!

Apparently that was the wrong answer. Both the doctor and Mark seemed to wince when I said it and after a few more examinations, the doc asked to speak to Mark outside.

Well this was getting just a little ridiculous. My head was clearing up just fine and once they got the tube out of my…you know…I'd be ready to go. The longer I stayed alert the more I felt like my spunky old self. When Mark returned however, all my building momentum ground to a halt. His face was graver than it had been the first time he came in.

"Mark…" I whispered and cleared my throat again. God, had I been gargling gravel?

He shook his head; his lips strangely tight and pulled a chair up to the bedside. It was then that I noticed he was wearing what he had been when he woke me up for breakfast but it appeared slept in, wrinkled and as worn out as he looked. "Aid…" He began but the words seemed to fail him right there.

"What's your brother doing here?" I asked and reached for his hand as it dangled over the bedrail. "What's going on? Tim wouldn't tell me anything before he went to find you."

"How d'you feel beautiful?" He asked, once again leaving my question unanswered. I shifted a bit and winced drawing my knees up. Maybe I wasn't so alright after all.

"I feel like shit." I told him simply and swallowed hard. My throat was so dry it felt like sandpaper. "Can I have some water?"

Mark all but jumped up and handed me a brown plastic cup with a straw sticking out of it. I took it in my untethered hand as he sat back down and bypassed the straw. The water was room temperature and tasted stale but I didn't care. I tipped back the whole thing and frowned when I realized it was empty.

"Aid…" He started again and seemed to bolster up some courage. "Tim was here to…sit with me. All my brothers are here. They're uh…out in the hall." Odd. I frowned harder and turned my head to look at him.

"What…is going on?" I asked for the millionth time it seemed and the faint shimmer of wetness reddening Mark's eyes tripped my heart into overdrive again. He took my hand and stared at it hard, his thumb feathering back and forth over my knuckles. He seemed to be collecting himself and Mark never did that. If he was this worked up someone had to have died…_Oh…my…God…_

"Baby girl…it's not the twelfth." He said cryptically, his voice wavering as he spoke. "It's September fifteenth and you've been unconscious for three days."

I stared at him while this soaked in. I couldn't fathom it. I knew I wasn't feeling up to par the last few weeks but a coma! That was basically what he'd just said. I'd been in a fucking coma! "Wait…what?" I finally managed. "Why?"

"The…docs said that the baby…" Oh no…

"What about the baby Mark?" I growled instantly angry and yanked my hand away from his. "Don't you dare say what I think you're gonna say!"

"Aid…"

"NO! Everything's fine! I feel fine! I want to go home!" I screamed and tried to shift to the edge of the bed away from my husband but Mark was there in front of me before I could even muster up the energy to swing my legs over the side.

"Adrian, look at me." He whispered and took my hand again, his face so full of pure anguish as he stared at me. "They're sayin you're…diabetic." Swallowing hard enough for me to see his throat struggle with it, he went on. "The…baby made it worse. It…she threw your sugar even more out of whack than it already was and your pancreas couldn't keep up with it…"

"Don't tell me…" I was sobbing. I hadn't realized it until I tried to talk. My head hurt, my throat hurt, and now my heart was breaking.

"I'm so sorry baby girl…" Mark gasped and wiped his eyes on his shirtsleeve. "Your sugar was over three hundred. You should have died…" There was a disbelief in his voice as he spoke that actually scared me.

"What happened to our baby?" I blurted, my whole body shaking. Mark shook his head. He didn't have the words. It was as if saying it out loud would make it real.

"It was you or the baby Aid. The docs did what they had to do to save you."

"Oh God…"

"I'm sorry angel…I'm so sorry…" He was crying full out at my side. "Your body just…couldn't take the strain."

"You should've saved the baby. Why didn't you tell them to save the baby?"

"She wasn't old enough to survive. I…couldn't lose you both." His sorrow was a physical presence pressing on my chest. I couldn't breathe and I didn't really want to. I couldn't support our baby. My body wasn't strong enough…I wasn't strong enough.

"No…no way…" Of course I denied it. I had to. "Everything was fine…"

"No it wasn't. We just didn't know." He told me and sniffed hard before wiping at his eyes again. "The docs said that according to your labs, you've probably been sick for a fair bit and if this hadn't happened, you probably would've just dropped one day."

"I'm not sick Mark! I've never been sick in my life!" I wailed and squeezed his hand as it held mine. "Sure I've had colds but I'm not _sick._ Not _dying _sick!"

"You're diabetic. Now that we know we can keep ya healthy."

"Why bother…" I gasped and fought a hysterical giggle as I scooted wincing back to the other side of the bed.

"You're my wife. I ain't gonna let you go for anything." He said definitively. It seemed his voice had regained some of its strength. Maybe the rest of him had too.

"Don't say that…I might be dying…" I said flatly facing pointedly away from him. It wasn't a true statement however, I felt dead already. Since the realization hit me I could tell something was different. Something was missing and I found myself unable to believe I hadn't caught it before now. I could _tell _I was…empty. The thing, the person that I knew was growing inside me was gone…and there was no getting her back.

"We…we'll just try again then." I sniffled attempting to bolster my courage. From behind me, Mark said nothing and it scared me even more. Twisting slowly, I looked back to him. I needed to gauge his reaction to my words since he didn't seem to have a comment but there was no reaction to gauge. My husband was kneeling on the side of the bed, his gaze fixed on the plain white sheet with his lips pressed together so hard there were lines of strain spider webbing down into his goatee.

My heart dropped again then. As much as I wanted to deny it, I knew what the look on his face meant. It was more bad news and he was afraid I wouldn't be able to take it. "I can't try again…can I?" I ventured quietly. In my head I prayed to every god I could think of that that wasn't the case but I knew better. There was nothing else it could've been.

"They don't think so, no." Mark whispered as if to soften the blow. "They don't think your body could handle the damage."

So that was it. I was broken. I was unfixable and there was no chance of a miracle.

"Diabetic women have children all the time!" I growled and tried to cross my arms. The IV shifting in my vein only made me angrier as I slammed the board under it back onto the mattress. "Why am I the fucking exception?"

"Aid…" Mark began, his voice deliberately pitched low and soothing. "Before we even think of tryin again, we're gonna have to learn to get your sugar regulated and keep it under control."

"You mean there's a chance?" I gasped my eyes filling up again. "If I do whatever the doctors tell me to we can try again…right?" God, even I could hear the pleading hope in my words.

"We'll talk about it once you're healthy again baby girl." He sighed and wiped at his tired eyes, then lifted them back up to me. "One thing at a time."

"No. I need to hear all of this now. If it can't be done just tell me so I…" _Can finish dying on the inside._ I finished the thought in my head.

Shifting, Mark stood and massaged his hip before sitting down on the edge of my bed. No sooner was he settled, I managed my way over and dropped my head against his hard stomach. For a moment, he seemed afraid to touch me in my debilitated state but it didn't last long. Mark's big hands hovered over me only a second before I felt his reassuring warmth around me.

He took a deep breath and slid his fingers through my hair before he spoke again. "Adrian, I love you no matter what happens." He began and his disclaimer did not exactly flood me with optimism. "There's a slim chance you could carry a baby to term but the majority says this is gonna happen again."

"Well, we'll just keep trying until I get it right." Mark was shaking his head before I even got out the whole thought.

"Your body is weak and it'll just get weaker honey." He said softly. "There's a chance you'll die. A good chance."

"Says them…" I groused but my tears were wetting down Mark's shirt nicely. He squeezed me tighter and let out a shaking breath.

"Darlin, I know you're strong but this isn't somethin we can play with. They've been pumpin you full of so much stuff to keep you around…" Trailing off he shuddered and it transferred to me. The gravity of the situation was one thing but until I heard the fear in Mark's voice I hadn't actually believed I was in danger. Apparently, I'd slept through the worst of it.

"I'm still alive…"

"But for a while that wasn't even for sure." Was he trembling? I couldn't tell if it was him or me. "The docs were talking about brain damage, and blindness, and surgeries later on, and shots. They told me if you woke up and were still you and not some droolin vegetable, you were gonna have to give yourself injections every day and that was if you woke up at all. Adrian, they've been pullin fluid out of your joints by the liter…and…" He broke off as I started to sob again.

"Too much trauma…" I sniffed and fought a losing battle with the tears. "She…didn't have a chance."

"But you do." He said as he kissed the top of my head. "We still got time."

I was about to protest when the doctor returned expressing his insincere 'I'm only saying this because I have to' condolences before he began telling me all the things Mark just had only in terms that were harder to follow. No chance of babies…blah, blah, blah…Injections every day…blah, blah, blah. After he explained how to check my glucose and administer the insulin, I basically tuned him out. I was too wrapped up in the hollowness in my chest and the feel of Mark's hand as he stroked my neck and shoulders. If he hadn't been there with me, I know I would've willed myself back into whatever oblivion I'd been in the past three days but he was there holding me together. He was my rock and at that moment I couldn't live without him.

I didn't acknowledge the doctor as he left. He'd made everything sound so much worse that I was sure I was never getting out of the hospital. I was never going to get back to Houston and Mark would have to start making arrangements to put me in the ground. Apparently six years in school and a six figure salary wasn't enough to improve this bastard's bedside manner.

"Aid? You still with me?" Mark asked shakily from above me and continued stroking my hair. I nodded and wrapped my right arm tighter around him.

"She's gone…" I cried and hid my face in his shirt again. "She's gone and I'm dying."

"No darlin, you're not dyin. We just gotta change some things is all."

"Everything…" The one word sent me spiraling further into my despair. Jesus, my whole life was gone! Everything I'd ever known was going to have to be turned inside out just so I could stay alive. But…what did I have to live for? I couldn't ever do the one basic thing every other woman on Earth could do!

"We'll work it out." Mark tried to reassure me but the thickness in his throat belied his words.

"I couldn't do it…" I choked out past a sob that wracked through my entire body. My eyes had fixed themselves on the weak gray sunlight fighting it's way through the blinds even as the tears blurred it. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry I couldn't do it…"

Mark's body went rigid against mine and I felt him take a deep breath below my head. I clung to him harder and he returned it tenfold. He was the only real thing left.

"Don't worry bout it now angel…" Mark gasped then coughed. I felt his head drop down to touch mine and I saw the one thing I'd never seen in all the time we'd been together. Drop by drop, Mark cried silently above me, around me, holding me to him.

I didn't speak. I couldn't reassure him. Right then we were both beyond consolation. I couldn't have guessed how long we sat there, but it didn't matter. We were mourning everything we'd lost and all the plans that would be left unfinished. Everything was up in the air and neither of us was good with uncertainty. Unfortunately, it was all we had left.


	8. Chapter 8

(_**A/N:** Hooo... Been a long time comin on this one. YEARS. I'm truly sorry to anyone who got frustrated with this story. Have no fear, I was too. I'd sort of planned to dump it and the rest of them but THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who've messaged me recently about this story, you've managed to rekindle my muse for it. I just hope I don't disappoint. I know I'm a little rusty here. lol Part of the reason this particular chapter got stalled was because there is so much emotion here. I didn't know if I could do it justice. I think, maybe I managed it. I hope you agree. So have at it... 14,477 words worth of chapter 8. ALSO... I wouldn't necessarily call this chapter graphic... but it's more graphic than any of the others. Enjoy! As always drop me a review or a private message. Suggestions, comments, criticisms, complaints, I welcome them all. ~Egypt)_

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I didn't answer the phone when Mark called the next day. I couldn't do it. I know I should have because Mark needed to hear from me as much as I needed to talk but I was too out of it. Nothing I could've said would've helped him any.

It was almost as if I'd regressed. I'd spent two weeks on the couch since that night watching talk shows all day and infomercials all night. I wasn't answering the phone and I was back to living on beer.

Every so often, I'd wander into the kitchen and stare at the cell phone that had arrived shortly after my Xanax induced stupor. If there was one thing Mark was, it was on top of things (no pun intended…). It hadn't taken him two days to FedEx a new phone to replace the one I'd smashed. There was even a note. I left that on the counter with the shiny new Blackberry. Every time I walked past it to the fridge, I'd read it. No matter how I wanted to feel about him, reading his scrawl made me smile.

"Don't worry, I took care of everything. The number's the same. Turn it on and keep it away from the walls okay? I'll call you later. I love you. Mark." It said. Nearly fourteen days later, I knew it by heart but I hadn't turned the phone on. The thought of dealing with it, with Mark actually, made my stomach lurch. So, rather than deal with it, I eyeballed it, left it lay again, and wandered to the fridge for my iced tea. Once I realized that subsisting solely on beer was probably not the best course of action for my state of mind or my waistline, I bit the bullet and brewed more tea.

As I measured out my Sweet 'N Low, a sound I hadn't heard in…well, I couldn't remember when made me jump and dump the whole container into the sink with a few choice words. At first, I was confused but when the sound happened again, I wanted to kick myself. It was, without a doubt, the sound of a fist on my front door and there were only a few people who knew not to use the broken doorbell.

My heart pounding out of my chest, I hurried toward the front door, clutching Mark's huge T-shirt around me. The thought of anyone being out there was like a jolt to my system and, if it was who I thought it was, my heart was about to explode.

Taking a deep breath, I got up on tiptoe to look out the peephole.

"Oh…My…God…" I gasped and fumbled like crazy on the locks. Once they were free, I flung open the door and leapt on the man standing there. "Glen!"

"Whoa!" My large bald friend chuckled and winced a bit. "Take it easy."

"What are you doing here?" I gasped and then realized there was only one arm around me. Hopping down, I backed up and waved him into the house before I shut and locked the door again. When I turned back to him, I saw the sling and the bandage. "What the hell did you do to your arm?"

Laughing, he reached over and hugged me again then held me at his one arm's length to look me over. "Wow Aid, you look like hell."

Typical Glen… "Thanks asshole." I grumped but in the face of my seven-foot, grinning savior, I couldn't keep my lips from twitching upward.

"So you got a beer or what?" He laughed again and walked past me toward my kitchen. Dumbly I followed along patting down my hair that hadn't been brushed in a week…maybe more. I couldn't believe he was standing there in my kitchen, rummaging through my refrigerator.

"What the hell did you do to your arm Glen?" I asked again once he'd retrieved one of my Killian's and leaned his huge frame against my sink.

"You weren't watching?" He asked and popped the top off on the edge of the counter top.

"Watching what? Smackdown?" I shook my head adamantly. "No…I can't."

"Well…" He began taking a long drink from the bottle. "Then you missed my horrific, yet entertaining leap into the barricades." The big man shifted his shoulder a bit. "Pulled the hell out of my right arm and they taped me up and sent me home for a week."

"They sent you home over a pulled muscle?" I asked and wandered over to retrieve my glass of tea. "That doesn't exactly sound right."

Glen shrugged one shoulder again and ran his hand over his bald head. I always smiled at that. It was if he was still lamenting his missing curls. I know I was. When he'd told me he was going to have to shave them off I did my damnedest to talk him out of it but a day and a half later, he was a cue ball. "I was due to disappear for a few days anyway. Dramatic effect and all that so really it couldn't have happened at a better time."

"Okay then back to my first question. What are you doing here?!" I laughed and hoisted myself up onto the counter still marveling that he was there at all.

"I was worried about you. Mark said he hadn't been able to get a hold of you for weeks so since I'm free for a while, I came by."

Immediately I deflated. I knew damn well where this was coming from. "Mark sent you didn't he?" I asked and, although I tried to keep a lid on it, the sadness showed up loud and proud in my voice.

To my surprise, Glen looked shaken at my words. Setting down his beer, he came over and wrapped his good arm around me again. "Sweetie no…He doesn't even know I'm here."

"He doesn't?" I squeaked against his chest and I even sounded like a child to myself.

"Nope…As far as he knew I was catching a plane back to Knoxville from San Diego last night." Chuckling he squeezed me one more time then went back for his beer. "To tell ya the truth, I was heading to Knoxville but when they told me I'd have a stop in Houston I figured it must've been fate and changed my flight."

"How long do you have then?"

"I've got to fly back out tomorrow night." Damn…it was happening all over again. The thought of Glen leaving made my throat constrict the same way it did when I dropped Casey off at the airport. Until I realized how alone I was, I'd been able to convince myself I didn't want company. Glen's big ass standing in my kitchen was a great reminder of what I'd been missing.

"That soon huh?" I sighed. Taking a deep drink, he nodded.

"Yeah…I've got an appointment with the physical therapist the day after." That made sense even though it didn't make me happy.

"Well you've got to go to that." I said and tried to sound normal. Apparently I didn't sound normal enough because before I could shift my weight and get moving back toward the living room, Glen was in front of me with concern etched on his face.

"Aid talk to me…" That was all it took. My eyes clouded over before I could stop them and Glen was right on top of it yanking me into his massive frame again.

God I felt so stupid! Every time I'd thought I was done with the crying, my subconscious mind would catch on and shove everything to the forefront again. I was so lost. My brain was on overdrive and yanking me in two very different directions.

"I want him to come home!" I wailed into Glen's shirt. "But I can't trust him…ever…"

Glen's hand slid slowly up and down my back as I did my best to stop the tears and I had a sneaking suspicion it would be harder to do without him there. Sure, he was goofy as hell and a big kid at the best of times but when the chips were down, Glen was as loyal and caring as anyone I'd ever met.

"Call him…" He said quietly above me. I shook my head. "Aid…he needs you. You have no idea how much."

Heaving a deep breath, I extricated myself from his one-armed grasp and wiped at my eyes. It was all so stupid!

"How do I know what he's been doing?" I grumbled as I regained a bit of my bad girl exterior. Glen was not fooled.

"You know exactly what he's been doing Aid." He said and turned heading back toward my living room.

"How the hell do I know that?" I practically screeched as I followed him.

"Because he calls you eight hundred times a day!" Glen fired back rounding on me. "You're all he talks about. Everything that comes out of his mouth has to do with you."

I actually flinched a bit at the volume he came back with. Immediately, I felt horrible for starting on him. It was more than obvious he'd gotten enough of it from Mark's side and here I was freaking out all over him.

"I'm…sorry…" I finally managed as I plopped down hard on my couch. Glen's exasperation hit me in the gut like a fist. For a long moment, he stared down at me with his hand on his hip and then he sighed and edged in beside me.

"Don't be sorry. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do kid. You just haven't seen him…"

"I can't…"

"Maybe you should…"

"No…you don't understand…" I began, my hand moving down to my nauseous stomach. "The thought of seeing him…" Trailing off I moved a little away from him and covered myself in my blanket.

"Why don't you at least turn on the phone?" He went on reasonably. I shook my head. Sighing heavily, Glen rolled his eyes at me and fished under my little nest for the remote. Without another word, he began flipping channels.

For a while I let him flip but the longer he did it, the more it started to get on my nerves. He hit that button faster than Mark did and that was saying something. I never could figure out how he could tell what he was looking at and deem it unworthy in an eighth of a second when all I saw was the screen flickering incomprehensibly. After too long, it'd make my head hurt and before I screamed and ripped the controller from his hand, I turned and began staring at him.

"What?" He asked without looking over. Apparently he could feel my eyes burning into the side of his face.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?" He squeaked again and flicked his eyes in my direction.

Groaning, I reached over and yanked the remote out of his hand to click at a more reasonable rate. I had to grin as he watched me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see his apprehension rising. He was shifting in his seat and more than once he stopped himself from taking the remote back.

"You are such a guy." I chuckled and settled on the preview guide.

"What does that mean?" He grumbled from beside me. I shook my head and settled on a Mythbusters rerun.

"Just shut up and keep me company." I grinned and shifted over toward him a bit. Immediately he winced. "That's worse than you're letting on isn't it?" Sighing, Glen nodded. "I might have a Vicodin or two around here somewhere if you're interested."

Glen shook his head and settled back a bit, propping his injured arm on my thigh as he did. "No thanks. I just used it too much between the airport and here is all. If I leave it alone for a while, it'll be okay."

"If you say so…" I breathed and shifted my weight a bit so he was half in front of me. Immediately, I could see why his shoulder hurt so much. "So you strained it or you broke it or what?"

"Well…the trainers in the back said it looked I nearly dislocated it. The x-rays at the hospital said there wasn't anything wrong that a few days rest wouldn't fix but they gave me the stupid sling anyway." He groaned a bit and shifted to lean forward, his good arm propping him up on his knee.

"Let me see what I can do for it…" Mumbling I climbed back behind him and flipped my hair out of my way before letting my fingers slide gingerly over the raging knot that was standing out on the back of his shoulder. Flinching a bit, Glen glared playfully over his shoulder at me. "Stop it. Mr. Big bad red machine…"

"Oh ha ha…very funny." He grunted but settled in as I began to dig my thumbs in a bit. "Hey…that's kinda nice."

"See? I'm probably the one friend you have that you don't have to worry about hurting you." I laughed as the knots cracked and popped under my fingers. It made me grimace a bit but I didn't let him see it. For all Glen's size and intimidating demeanor, he would do anything for a friend no matter what it cost him and as bad as he needed his shoulder worked on, if he thought for a second it was grossing me out as much as it was, he'd stop me and sit there in pain.

Glen rumbled happily as I kept working his one giant knot into smaller, more manageable ones. I couldn't help but smile. I'd done this sort of thing for Mark so many times when he'd come off the road or in a hotel room after a show when I was traveling with them and it always helped. Sometimes, I figured a little old-fashioned rub down worked a hell of a lot better than soaking in a trainers tub or a syringe full of cortizone.

"Aid…" Glen said quietly after quite some time. "Why haven't you turned the phone on?"

Slowly, my gradually numbing fingers stopped moving as I thought about it. Why hadn't I? I thought I knew why but hearing the quiet honesty in my big friend's question had me rethinking my whole mindset. I shrugged because I couldn't find my voice but Glen turned a bit over his good shoulder and asked again.

"I'm…afraid to." I finally said and felt the tears stinging my eyes again. My voice shook and I had to clasp my hands together to stop the shaking. "I can't…let all this go."

Sighing heavily, Glen shifted to face me, the place where his eyebrows should have been pulling down into a concerned frown. "You don't have to be afraid of him. All he wants is you, Aid."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Wasn't Glen there that night? Didn't he see the aftermath of my surprise trip to Kansas City? How could he possibly say that to me? All the rage and anger and hurt that had been building up inside me since that night exploded.

"Fuck him Glen!" I cried and climbed over him to pace across my living room floor. "Fuck him and his inability to keep it in his pants! He ruined me! He ruined my trust. I can't ever trust him again!" My hands were white-knuckled fists at my sides.

Through it all, my friend sat there on my couch following my movements with his eyes. His face showed no emotion other than that same concern but in my rage-hazed brain it looked like pity. I couldn't handle pity then. I was never one to be pitied. I was the strong one and there, on Glen's face was pity of the worst kind. It was clear in his eyes. Glen thought I was crazy. Hell, I thought I was crazy.

"Don't look at me like that!" I railed on. "I can't stand that look!"

"What look?" He asked perfectly reasonably.

"That one!" I barked and waved a hand in his general direction. "That pity…"

"I'm not pitying you Aid. I just…feel bad for you…and Mark."

A manic laugh bubbled out of me as I made another pass in front of the TV. "Don't feel bad for me. I'll be fine. I'll just…go back to Detroit and find something else…or something…"

Sighing, Glen shook his head. "If that's what you want to do…then you need to tell him. God knows he needs the closure."

Well that got my attention. Stopping short, I folded my arms under my chest and stared at him. "Wha…what do you mean?"

"You haven't seen him. I've been keeping an eye on him since that night and he can't take much more of this bullshit. You owe him at the very least, an explanation."

"For what?"

"Tell him you're leaving. Tell him you're staying. I don't care, but tell him something. He's…starting to scare me."

My legs started to shake. "Scaring you…" Glen nodded softly.

"He's…losing weight. He's not sleeping. He keeps talking as if this is going to blow over. Aid, I understand that you're hurt and you're scared but you're not the only one. Give him some direction."

Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting on the floor. "Oh God…" I moaned. I was nauseous again suddenly and I couldn't rightly remember why I was freaking out. Mark was making himself sick? Good GOD why?

"C'mon…take a deep breath, you're gonna make yourself pass out." Glen was crouching there beside me all of a sudden. His hand gently stroking my back brought me out of a fit of hyperventilation I didn't realize I'd gotten into.

"How do I…" I gasped and collapsed against Glen's shoulder. Lucky for him, it was the good one. He didn't speak. He just let me lay there as the damned tears leaked out for the millionth time since he'd shown up on my doorstep.

I don't know how long I clung to him before he grunted and lifted me with his good arm, dropping me down on the couch. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention. Lucky me had spiraled back down to the pit of my despair.

How could I love someone so much and hate him with equal energy? The thought of Mark letting himself go because of me hurt worse than the sound of his voice the first time he called me after I ran out of that hotel. I didn't want him to hurt like I did even if he did deserve it.

"Aid?"

Wiping my leaking nose, I looked up at him and frowned a bit confused. Glen was standing there in front of me with a glass of tea in one hand and my new Blackberry in the other.

"What's that for?" I asked and dabbed my eyes on the hem of my T-shirt.

"Just call him. Talk to him. Please?"

I sat there, my eyes locked onto that phone with a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't the same as it had been before. It was misery sure but…it was excitement as well.

Mustering up my courage I took the phone from him and got up shuffling down the hall as it blinked into life. The little envelope in the corner popped up immediately and beside it, was the number forty-two. Jesus. Forty-two voice mails. Inwardly I groaned. I knew damn well they were all from Mark.

Taking a deep breath, I started dialing Mark's cell number. Before I got through the first three numbers, the phone finished it for me. He'd put his number in the phone book. Of course he did… One final shuddering breath and I hit send.

"Hello?" His soft, tired voice hit me like a truck.

"Hi…" I managed.

"You're alive." He said and the hard edge of the words made my pounding heart miss a step.

"Yeah. I'm uh…still here."

"Good. I can't talk right now." That was not the response I had expected. Granted, I did deserve all the coldness he could throw at me but the justification didn't make it hurt any less.

"Oh…well. I…don't wanna keep you." Christ, my voice was shaking.

"Yeah. Gotta go." He hung up.

I was stunned. I stood there in my dark hallway in front of all the vacation pictures he insisted we put on the wall and stared at the cell phone as if everything was it's fault.

"That didn't go well."

Shaking my head I turned toward Glen's hulking shadow at the end of the hall. "No…"

"Well, he did have a lot going on this week. He had a couple of signings and a photo shoot. Matter of fact, I think the photo shoot was today."

"Or he hates me." I sighed and turned wandering toward the bedroom. Thankfully, Glen took the hint and went back to the living room. I heard the channels flip madly as I closed the bedroom door.

Curling into a ball, I laid my head on Mark's pillow and set the phone beside me. I inhaled deeply and waited for that comforting rush of everything that was Mark but it didn't come. It'd been so long since he slept in our bed that his very essence was fading from it. Why did that scare me? Twenty minutes ago I was seriously contemplating going back to Detroit with my tail between my legs and here I was panicking because I couldn't smell him anymore. What the hell was wrong with me?

Closing my eyes, I sniffed harder…then a bit harder. I was concentrating so strongly on not crying again, the chirping of my Blackberry nearly sent me leaping off the bed.

Flailing I reached for it and got it before I slid off the side and smacked the wood floor hard.

"Ow! Son-of-a-bitch…" I grunted then realize that in my trip south, I'd managed to hit the answer button. "Mark?"

"Yeah…it's me." There was a first. He must've been at least as out of it as Glen had said. My Mark would never miss an opportunity to rib the hell out of me.

"Look…I'm…"

"Aid, I'm sorry I hung up." He cut me off.

"I'm sorry I didn't call sooner." I breathed as I hoisted myself back up onto the bed.

"No one said you had to." Mark sounded so dejected I hated myself.

"I just…"

"I should've just come home to you. You didn't need to be alone baby girl…and I left you."

"Mark…I've got to know." I said avoiding his statement entirely. Now was not the time to remind him I was still afraid to see him. "Are you…okay?"

"Good as I'm gonna get. But that's nothin you don't already know."

"No, I mean…really okay. Physically…"

"Why would you ask that?" He asked quietly. I could hear the skepticism in his tone. "Who you been talking to?"

"What…I…I was just asking…"

"Glen's there isn't he?" Skeptical to angry in zero point three seconds.

"No! Jesus Mark!" I lied although I had no idea why. "I was worried about you!"

Mark snorted and I heard a door slam. "You've got a hell of a way of showin it anymore. I haven't been able to get a hold of you for two weeks. Two fucking weeks Adrian."

"I've been…fucked up." I muttered weakly. His anger was absolutely founded and part of me hated it. We'd been getting along a bit better recently but the nervous breakdown I'd managed to have, threw my whole world back into the crapper.

"Fucked up?" He gasped and I'm pretty sure he was laughing. It was not however, a good laugh. "That's one way of puttin' it. I nearly had a heart attack pacing my hotel room waitin for you to answer that phone Aid! You should've let me help you!"

"I don't need help Mark!" His anger was bolstering my own. "I just need to forget! I can't forget! Don't you get that?" Flopping onto my other side, I silently threatened the tears trying to bully their way past my eyelids. Now was not the time to cry. If I cried now, I'd lose my resolve and before I could chuck this phone into a wall, I'd be begging him to come home. "I can't forget what we lost! I can't forget the happiness on your face when I told you I was pregnant and I can't forget the look on your face in Kansas fucking City!"

"You gotta let that go." He growled through panting breaths. In all the time I'd spent with the man, I don't think I'd ever heard him that angry.

"How?" I spat back. "How do I let it go?"

"You just do…or ya don't. I can't make up your mind but you know what I want. I've told ya til I was blue in the face. I miss you. I miss our home. This waitin is killing me. You wanna know how I'm doin? I've lost thirty pounds. I can't sleep. I wake up sweating because I reach for you and you're not there." He stopped and caught his breath. "All I do is talk to Glen about this shit. I hate that I do it. I hate that I make him listen to it but you won't talk to me so what the hell else am I supposed to do?"

Jesus Christ.

"You've been talking to me. Up until a little while ago we talked every day." I protested and it sounded weak even to me.

"Bullshit darlin, you haven't really talked to me in years. Not since we lost her."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I virtually screamed. "We were fine! Then I turn up to surprise you in Kansas and what to I find? A fucking replacement!"

"Get over it!" He snarled back. "I can't change it! I fucked up! We've been through it more times than my patience can handle. Either you love me and you wanna try and fix this or I ruined everything. At this point I'll take either." He stopped again and I was hoping he was trying to put a lid on the rage. Somehow though, I didn't think he had it in him. "And how can you say we were fine?" He came back. "You mean to tell me that nothin changed when we got you out of that hospital? Think…Think real hard darlin. How many times do you think we made love after that, huh?"

My head was shaking as he spoke. I was so mad…so very angry. How dare he turn it around on me? What had I done? I was his wife! I took care of him when he came home. I took care of the house and the bills when he wasn't here. I did everything for him. When I became Mrs. Mark Calaway I went into it head on.

"That's not the point…"

"That's the whole point Adrian! When did you stop lovin me?"

"What…what the hell…" I was stammering. Mark's thoughts were all over the board and I just couldn't keep up.

"You could've left at any time. If you were done with me, all you had to do was say so."

"Why would you think that?" I managed after gaping for a brief moment. "I have never stopped loving you."

"Why'd you stop talkin' to me Aid?"

"I didn't…"

"Yes you did. You pulled away. I tried…I fucking tried to get to you." His voice warbled as he rambled and my heart broke. He was…crying…

"Mark…" I whispered, his lightning-quick mood swing squelching a bit of my ire. "Calm down…It's okay."

"It's not okay. Hasn't been okay for a long time. I just kept thinkin that maybe you'd get over it and come back to me but it was so hard…"

Never in my whole life had I wanted to hold my husband so much as then. The unbridled anguish in his voice made me feel like I was dying all over again. Mark does not let the mask drop often. You've got to really know him to see through it but this was something else entirely. It was as if he'd ripped it off and set it on fire. This was Mark totally free of the fame and the cameras and the persona that had taken over so much of his life. It was a side of him I'd never even seen. "I never meant to…"

"But you did. God did you…" He sighed and I heard him sniff hard. "I lost you and you were right in front of me."

"Why didn't you say something?" I asked and found myself crying right along with him. "You should've kicked me or screamed at me or something."

"I did try and talk to you about it." He went on softer. "You just sat there in the study reading your books and insisting you were okay."

"I…was okay." I began slowly. "You were always…whispering to Glen and that…pissed me off."

The rumbling, rueful chuckle that greeted my words made me shudder a bit.

"He was worried about you too. He asked me how you were doin. What was I supposed to do? Lie to my best friend?"

"It should've been me."

"You didn't want any part of it. You were too busy ignoring everything goin on around you."

My heart was pounding so hard my chest hurt. Was that what Mark thought? He thought I was ignoring my life? It was all I could think about! Sure, like anyone dealing with grief, they everyday crying bouts had lessened but I had never stopped thinking about any of it. Not a day went by that I didn't wonder what Mark and I would be doing now with a three-year-old daughter. Would he still be on the road all the time? It would've changed so much! It was a futile train of thought. I knew it was but it still hurt. What purpose would it have served to bring Mark down into my pit of despair?

"What good would it have done?" I managed quietly and I heard Mark swallow hard.

"I would've known what the hell was goin on in that head of yours. I could've helped you!"

"You had enough going on. You didn't need my depression on top of it all."

"What?" He gasped and started in with that grating laughter again. "How can you say that to me? Your problems are my problems. I thought we were a fuckin team!"

"You had to go work. You had to be on the road. You didn't need to know that I couldn't get past everything. You didn't need to know how sick I was! It would've made everything harder for you!"

"I can't believe what I'm hearing." He was still laughing but it had taken on a maniacal quality. I really didn't like it either. "You mean to tell me, you shut me out for my own good…"

"It wasn't that big a deal! I knew I'd get over it!" I protested. Why was this such a big deal to him? For the life of me, I couldn't figure it out.

"Yeah, you got over it." Mark spat, oozing with sarcasm. "You turned into a stranger. You hid in the study. You stopped laughing, darlin. You stopped smiling. You even stopped crying. It was like livin with a robot."

"I did not hide!" I screamed. "We lost a baby, Mark! I had to shut down to keep going! Christ, I thought you of anyone would understand it!"

"How would I know? The way you're talking, I never had any vested interest in it anyway."

"She was your baby too!" I went on. I was screaming and crying so hard my throat felt like sandpaper as I jumped off the bed and started pacing the bedroom. "You lost her too!"

"Exactly!" He yelled over me. "But you never seemed to notice! As soon as we got you home, you shut down. You didn't leave that fuckin bedroom for a week and then after that it was like pullin teeth to get you to tell me what you wanted to eat for dinner!"

"I'm sorry I was traumatized! Cut me some slack!"

"So…was…I…" He snarled and I heard something crash. Wincing I opened my mouth to say something comforting when something else crashed on the other end.

"MARK!" I screamed. I had to get him back to the phone. Judging from the muffled quality of the noise, I could only assume he'd dropped it in his fit of whatever it was. I honestly didn't have a name for it. I'd never seen him lose his temper quite like this. "Mark? Come back! Please! I know you can hear me!"

"Aid?" Glen's soft, concerned voice jerked me away from the mayhem on the other end of the phone. "What's goin on?"

I waved him off and continued pacing. Glen however, didn't leave. He stood there, his silent presence as reassuring as anything I could have ever hoped for.

"Let me talk to him." He said after I tried a few more times in vain to redirect Mark's attention. Immediately I covered the receiver with my hand and shook my head.

"No! He doesn't know you're here." I hissed to him and brought the phone back to my ear. As I turned to make another pass in front of my bed, I saw Glen shake his head a bit and head back down the hall.

Sighing heavily, I listened hard to the other end of the line. It was quiet now. Not silent but quiet. I could only guess that he'd had enough of breaking things and was standing and surveying the damage. Swallowing hard, I tried my voice again. "Mark? Please don't do this." I said as quietly as I could for him to hear me away from the phone. "Come back…"

"What?" I heard abruptly and with such venom that it gave me chills.

"Are…you alright?" I breathed and lifted a hand to my chest.

"I can't keep on like this Aid." Mark said softly. He sounded defeated. "I spent the last three years tryin to keep you in one piece. All I wanted was for you to be okay…"

"I was okay…"

"You're a damn bad liar. You're not okay. I'm not okay. Nothin's okay is it?"

I shook my head and tried to choke back a sob. God he was right. He was so right. "No…"

"How do I…" He blurted. "What can I do?"

"I don't know…" I cried…again. "I don't know what to do."

"Talk to me Aid. Please just talk to me." The pleading tone hurt. My whole body hurt. My head was spinning. Could I really have been that heartless? I didn't think I was. How could I have possibly been so out of it and so unfeeling that Mark's pain had become inconsequential to me?

"Mark I didn't know…" I said and wiped at my eyes. "I swear I didn't know."

"I couldn't show you. You were so…" He stopped and seemed to collect himself briefly before continuing. "Between the diagnosis and the baby…"

Suddenly everything was very, very clear.

"So we're both guilty of the same thing…" I told him. "I didn't want you to know how bad it was. You didn't want me to know either."

"We both fucked this one up." He said matter-of-factly. "Too much trauma…too much drama…"

"Mark…" I breathed and dropped back onto the bed. "I'm so sorry…for everything."

"Me too…" He sighed softly.

I was so stunned. I had no idea what to say to him. I wanted so badly for him to come home just then but I didn't deserve it. I couldn't have felt lower. I actually felt worse than I did in Kansas City.

"I…" I began but my voice dried up in my throat.

"I know Aid." Mark breathed quietly. "Believe me I know." He shifted his weight and I heard something fall to the floor.

"Sounds like you've got a mess to clean up." I offered weakly. He snorted and actually gave me a little laugh.

"Yeah, either than or I can pay for the damage."

"I never meant to push you like that."

"Don't worry 'bout that. It's just been…brewing since I figured out you didn't turn on the phone. I did that so we could keep doin what we've been doin. I…liked that we were talking all the time again."

Just hearing him say those words unraveled the knot in my stomach a bit. That icy tone he'd started the conversation with hurt so much. It was nice to hear my Mark again. "So did I."

"So…you think we could maybe keep this up? No more long silences?"

A little thrill went though me. I was so sure he hated me even if he was actually talking. "I'll be better."

"Better about callin or better in general?" He asked.

"Both I hope."

"Good." Mark said and I heard him stifle a yawn.

"Tired?"

"Uh huh…" He said and yawned again. "Been a long day already."

"Photo shoots and signings?"

"How'd you know?" He asked sounding suspicious suddenly. Mentally I cringed for opening my big frigging mouth.

"It's all part of the job." I managed and hoped my voice sounded mostly normal. "Believe it or not, I do keep track of your appearances."

"That is a surprise." He sighed. It sounded like he was stretching. "I figured you'd have given up entirely given the silent treatment."

Right. That was my cue. The last thing I wanted to do was get into another fight. "Look, no more silent treatment. I should probably let you go get some rest."

"Yeah." He began quietly. "I got a couple of hours before I gotta be at a radio station."

"Get some sleep…"

"Call me tomorrow." It was definitive. There was absolutely no question to it.

"If I don't call you, call me. The phone will be on and handy, I promise."

"Good as I'm gonna get isn't it?"

I sighed heavily before I began. The last thing I needed was to let my irritation show. "I was just saying…"

"I know, I'm sorry. Ya can't blame me for bein skittish."

"No, I can't…I guess." There I was again, all deflated by his honesty. "I'm sorry Mark. You have no idea how much."

For a long moment, he was quiet. He was so quiet I wasn't sure he was still there at all. "Yeah baby girl, I think I do. I love you."

"I love you too." It was a whisper and I had no idea why. It was as if just saying it was a betrayal to my convictions but it was absolutely true.

"Talk to you tomorrow." He said and hung up.

For a long moment, I stood there staring at everything in my dark room. It felt like a movie set. None of it felt real and none of it felt like it belonged to me. The truth was, most of it was there before I'd ever moved in and my dwindling strength and emotional overdrive made me feel like I didn't deserve any of it. Jesus…how could I have been so stupid?

I'd always considered myself a fairly caring person. The few friends I did have knew there was nothing I wouldn't do for them. If it was in my power to give them, it was theirs, end of story. Mark however, had apparently slipped under my radar.

That thought made me want to heave myself in front of a bus.

Of all the people in my life, Mark was the only one who'd never berated me or belittled me for being who I was. He loved me not in spite of my weirdness, but because of it. He loved all of me and told me constantly and I'd let his feelings fall by the wayside at the most important time in our lives.

My head was swirling with all the new insight as I walked back into my living room, the Blackberry dangling forlornly from one hand. Glen had taken up residence on my couch and the sight of him was more comfort than I felt I deserved just then.

"How'd it go?" He asked in his very quiet way when he saw me. I opened my mouth to tell him but I didn't have any words. It was so unbelievably horrible and wonderful all at once that I was totally at a loss. Luckily, Glen was not only the biggest Toys'R'Us kid we had, he was at times, the wise old sage of the group as well. "Did he level with you?"

Sitting down beside him I nodded. "Yeah…"

"And…"

"My god Glen…was I really that bad?" The question came out in a breath. I didn't want the answer. I knew the answer and hearing it from Glen's mouth would just twist the knife a little more.

To his credit, he didn't speak. He just set the remote aside and pulled me in tight against his massive frame as we both stared silently at the Home Shopping Network of all things.

I didn't have any idea how long we sat there staring blankly ahead. I knew the sun was setting by the time he spoke again and the few words he uttered were enough to shatter the little cocoon of comfort I'd built in my head.

"So…is anything better?" What a question. Such a simple inquiry but the answer was so far from easy.

"I don't know. Maybe." I told him and let my mind wander. Christ, could I have actually been so cold? Had I really left him hanging alone with all of his grief? Mark was always so strong and solid and capable. Why would the thought even cross my mind? He could always handle everything. Now however with the backward view in a very clear twenty-twenty, I could start to see where it had all gone wrong.

* * *

"Aid?" Mark's voice was such a sudden diversion that I actually jumped.

"Hmmm?"

"You think you might wanna get out of this room for a minute today?" I knew deep down, he was trying to be cute, to help me, but all I wanted was to stay put, read my book, and pretend I wasn't dying.

"Nope. I think I'm good right here." At least the tone was cheerful. Apparently it wasn't cheerful enough. Mark was still hovering with the same apprehensive look on his face. "Hon, I'm okay here, really."

With that he nodded but it wasn't an 'everything's okay' nod. It was the, 'I'm going to humor you so you don't break down into another crying jag', nod. God that made me want to hit things. Lucky for him, I lacked the motivation since the diagnosis and everything that came with it.

"I was thinkin about goin for a ride." My husband's voice was so very calm.

"Why don't you then."

"I was hopin you'd go with me."

Gently, I laid my bookmark in place, closed the novel, and set it aside before I turned toward him. "I don't think I'm up to that yet." He nodded again.

"Doc says you should be good to go darlin."

"Yeah well, the doc doesn't live in my body." He cringed as soon as I spoke and somewhere I'm sure I regretted it. I was just so tired. Not physically tired but the tired that runs bone deep. It was the kind of thing no amount of sleep could fix.

"Okay…" Mark began again and backed up a step effectively taking him out of the doorway. "Don't forget you've gotta…"

"Yeah, I get to stick myself in the stomach again in about half an hour. I've got the schedule too."

"I just wanna make sure you're okay." He sounded hurt and it made my heart constrict. Sighing, I hoisted myself out of my chair, my legs protesting their being made to move at all, and walked over to my husband.

"I'm sorry…I'm just…" And that was as far as I could get. I was something that was for sure but what? I had absolutely no idea.

Luckily, Mark nodded and pulled me into his chest with a heavy exhale. "I know. I know this ain't easy for you Aid. I just don't like seein you all cooped up in here." Being caught up in those big arms felt so good. It was such a rare treat since I'd come home from the hospital. Mark had treated me like a porcelain doll for weeks and it really got on my nerves. I missed the wrestling around on the living room floor and being carried bodily over his shoulder toward the bedroom. The problem was, I couldn't find the energy to instigate it. Instead, I just let Mark come to me and reveled in it when I got it.

"If you want to go for a ride…why don't you?" I finally said as he loosened his hold on me and stepped back. I got the feeling it wasn't the correct reaction. Although he didn't argue, his eyes darkened a bit and I really didn't have any idea why.

"I think I might." He shrugged and leaned in, kissing me on the forehead.

"I'll be here when you get back."

For a long moment, he looked at me then sighed again. It irked me. It was that pity sigh that he used when things he didn't agree with happened. I did not however, voice that opinion. I was too tired for it. "You know, that SoftTail is sittin in the garage collecting dust."

Before I could stop myself, my head drooped. This was so not the first time he'd tried to nudge me in a direction. Christ I hated it. He knew I hated it and yet he persisted with the nudging.

"I'll get on it again." I groused and hated the thirteen-year-old whine that came out with it. Anyone listening would've thought I was being scolded into cleaning my room or something.

With a final, definitive nod of his head Mark relented. "Alright. I'll be back before dark. Maybe we can go out and get some dinner later." I shrugged but nodded with it. The truth was, I didn't feel like going out anywhere but when I told him that, he'd come back with the 'sigh' again.

"Maybe…" There. It was completely non-committal. It might be an argument later but for now, he was off toward his bikes and I was alone again. I listened to his big boots thump down the hall and waited until I heard the door shut and the engine of one of his Titans roar into life before I went back into my study and leafed through the book I was reading for my spot.

Settling back into the desk chair, I folded my legs under me and leaned to one side, comfy and able to drift back into the fantasy world my myriad sword and sorcery books allowed me. It sure as hell beat the real one.

I must've fallen asleep because one moment, I was reading and losing myself peacefully in a land far, far away, and the next, my book was on the desk in front of me with the marker sticking out of the wrong spot and I was covered over with an afghan I'd brought with me from Detroit. It was my favorite. My grandmother had made it and Mark knew well enough that if I wasn't feeling right, it was also my security blanket.

Taking a deep breath I stretched and reached for the finger-pricker, blood sugar tester that Mark made sure was never out of arm's reach. I'd missed my half hour and before I decided to start poking myself, I should know how much to poke with. So, with a grimace, I put my pinky finger up to the little pin and pushed the button. The box made a sickly groan and nothing happened. Damn it, the batteries were dying again.

Shimmying out of the chair, I wrapped my blanket tighter around my shoulders and shuffled off down the hall toward my kitchen. Much to my surprise, everything was dark and quiet. Mark must've come home, covered me up, and gone back out.

That thought made my stomach knot up just a bit. If he was back out riding, it was because I'd upset him again. I wasn't sure how I kept doing that but it seemed that nothing I said was right anymore. No, maybe I wasn't quite as much fun as I had been earlier on in our relationship but so much had changed. I just hoped I hadn't changed too much for him to still be interested. Frowning, I shoved that little nugget of joy to the back of my brain and shuffled on.

I didn't bother turning any of the lights on as I made my way to the kitchen. I knew exactly where everything was. Mark rarely set foot in the room unless he was hunting down beers or skimming the fringes to get to the door that led to the garage. It had become, in some strange way, my domain. I'm not sure how, it wasn't as if I ever cooked or anything. Sure, I'd learned some but it could be said that we'd starve to death if we were forced to rely on my culinary talents.

With a sigh, I made my way around the island counter and grunted as my foot made contact with the edge of a stool. Odd. The damn thing was sitting in nearly in the middle of the walkway. I shot it a scathing glare and kicked it back into place. Like a good stool, it obediently fell into line with the other two and as I shuffled on, I made a mental note to berate Mark for leaving it out.

Pushing the thought from my mind, I set the stupid blood sugar tester down and began rummaging through the junk drawer. Batteries of all sorts tended to congregate in the back and since my diabetes had reared it's ugly head, Mark had made sure we were fully stocked with double A's.

Reaching down through the random paper clips and rubber bands and discarded bread ties, I growled and slid the drawer open further into a shaft of light so I could see better. Wait…light? Why was there light? Glancing over, I saw where it was coming from. The door to the garage was open a fraction and the light was coming from there.

I sighed. It was yet another thing I'd brought to my husband's attention multiple times. Sure, Mark made more money than I'd ever considered having to deal with but that was no reason to jack up the bills by leaving on lights and watering the lawn every friggin day. With that fresh dose of irritation, I flung my blanket onto the counter and headed over to turn it off.

"…won't even talk to me anymore…" Mark's voice was a whisper from out in the garage. Who was he talking to? Frowning, I glanced to the phone on the wall. It's cradle was empty and the little red light that said it was in use glowed merrily. Who the hell _was _he talking to?

I know it wasn't exactly right of me but stilling my breathing, I leaned against the wall and listened.

"I dunno." He went on. "It's like she's someone else Glen. I can't…I know... she just sits in the fuckin study. I can't get her out on the bikes…" The longer I stood there, the angrier I got. How dare he talk about me like I was a misbehaving daughter? How dare he make it sound like I was so… God I didn't even know what.

"No…I told you. Since she came home she's like a different person. I dunno what the hell happened to my Adrian. I'm losin my fuckin mind here."

He was losing his mind? Jesus Christ! He wasn't the one with the defective body! I was shaking.

"Look, don't…tell'er I talked to you about this okay? I don't think she'd take it so well. She doesn't take well to talkin about it at all."

Oh that was it. That was SO it. Before I could think my hand was on the knob and I was wrenching open the door.

"Tell Glen I said hi would you?" I said and watched with some twisted satisfaction as Mark spun on his heels to face me. He looked like I'd caught his hand in the cookie jar. Good, my air of false cheerfulness had gotten exactly the reaction I wanted.

His beautiful eyes darkened and his lips all but disappeared into his goatee as he sighed. "I'll call you back." He growled and turned off the phone, setting it aside on one of his eight million toolboxes. "Sleep good?"

What the hell was that? "So how is Glen?" I said answering him with a question of my own. He hated that.

"Glen's good." He said and leaned back against his workbench, folding his arms defensively across his chest.

Yeah, I wasn't up to the playful banter. "What the hell Mark?" I breathed.

"What?"

"Do you always make me sound like the bad guy?" He shrugged shaking his head and looked down at his feet. "That's great, ya know that? Just great…" I grumbled rubbing my eyes and turned back for the door. Suddenly all my righteous indignation seemed to deflate. It wasn't worth the argument. It wasn't worth getting all worked up over. If Mark wanted to whine to his friends, more power to him. I was a big girl. I'd take care of myself.

"Aid…" His voice followed me but I didn't bother turning to acknowledge it. It was late, I was tired and that was the only place my mind was focused. "Damn it Adrian, c'mere!" He continued and closed the distance, grabbing my upper arm and spinning me toward him. "What the hell are you mad about now?"

I goggled at him. "You have got to be kidding me!" He didn't _know_? "Do you think I like hearing you talk about me that way?"

"What way?" He sputtered shaking his head.

"I'm always the problem aren't I?" I went on. "How long before I get that fucking pity look from Glen too?"

"Pity look? Aid what are you talkin' about?"

"My moods are none of his business Mark! They're nobody's!" I screeched and pulled my arm out of his hand. "You're worse than a woman you know that?"

I think I struck him speechless. His mouth opened but nothing came out as he stared at me, his eyes full of so much anger. "What the fuck has gotten into you?" He finally managed.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I counted to ten. Then I counted to twenty. He couldn't figure it out. I didn't have the energy to explain it to him just then. "Nothing…" I said with a sigh. "Everything's fine. I'm going to bed."

"Aid…" He said again and reached to catch my arm again. I saw it coming that time and moved to avoid it. "Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about." I didn't stop or turn. I was going to get my book and disappear into the bedroom. That was it. The day was so over.

"Tell me what's goin on in that head of yours. Tell me somethin." He was following me again.

Instead of answering, I waved him off and turned into the study. By the time I'd grabbed my book and turned for the door, it was blocked by his big body. "Let me through." I muttered and pushed ineffectively at his chest. He looked at my hand on him then up into my eyes. What I saw there set my heart to pounding. His green, green eyes were clouded up with rage and resentment and knowing I put it there hurt more than anything.

"Why won't you talk to me anymore?" He asked, his voice little more than a growl.

"What do you want me to say? I don't know what you want to hear." I said and dropped my gaze as I attempted to get by him. He wasn't moving and moving him was a virtual impossibility until he was good and ready. GOD I hated his stubborn streak.

I watched his chest rise and fall with a cleansing breath. "I only wanna hear what you wanna tell me. You know that. But lately? Christ, I'm startin to forget what your voice sounds like when you're not pissed off about somethin."

"I'm not pissed off. I'm irritated. There's a difference." He snorted and stepped aside.

"Fine. Go on then. God forbid I keep irritating you." I did go, thank you very much. Clutching my book to my chest I edged past him and down the hall to the bedroom.

Nothing felt quite so good as falling into my side of the bed. It meant I'd lived through another day. Then again, it also meant that it had to start all over again tomorrow. It was another day of poking and prodding and watching what I ate and drank and the more I thought about it, the more tired it made me. How the hell did people live like this?

That train of thought reminded me. I never did get my insulin.

With yet another disgruntled sigh, I hoisted myself out of bed and poked my head out the door. I could not have been happier to see the hallway empty. With any luck, Mark would have gone back to his bikes to pound out his frustration at me on one of them. Peachy.

My heart pounding in juvenile fear, I hurried back toward the dark kitchen.

Sure enough, I could hear the rhythmic tink tink tinking of some tool on some part of some engine. With a deep breath, I ignored it and padded over to the refrigerator, wincing a bit as the light kicked on and flooded the room. Some part of me was positive that any second the garage door was going to fly open and he was going to start in on another nagging spree. Christ I so wasn't up for that.

With a quick glance, I located the opened bottle of insulin and grabbed it, rolling it between my palms to warm it some as I hunted around for the bag o' syringes. They were of course, right where I'd left them. No one else had any reason to bother them, did they?

As I moved into the weak shaft of light from the garage to see the little measurements on my syringe, the clang of tempered steel set my teeth on edge. I could hear Mark shuffling around out there. His words muttered under his breath and his big boots scraping on the rubberized flooring kept drawing my attention but it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was getting this chemical into my body so I could drag my sorry, broken ass back to bed and forget yet another uneventful and tense day.

I shook my head as I squinted at the little tube, flicking it with my finger to get rid of the bubbles before I lifted my shirt and holding it out of my way with my teeth, pinched some skin near my hip and slid the little bastard home. Funny, I barely felt it. Maybe I was finally getting better at it.

Absently, I recapped the needle and popped it into the bucket I used for the sharps but my ears were trained on the garage. There was no sound anymore and my brain immediately began conjuring images of his listening as hard out there as I was inside. It made me cringe. He was waiting for me to leave. I just knew it. Well, I'd oblige him.

With a quick stop back at the fridge, I dropped the bottle back inside and grabbing my blanket, started back down the hall toward the gloriously big bed. Yes. That is exactly what I required at the moment. All I wanted were my soft pillows, my thick blanket, and my book. Yeah.

Mark could spend the whole night out in the garage again. It seemed like it was becoming the norm anyway. He kept himself squirrled away in there gossiping with Glen and tinkering on his bikes waiting, it seemed, for me to go to bed.

How the hell did he expect me to talk to him like he kept professing he wanted me to do, when his actions told a whole different story? Ugh. Whatever. It was such a mess and I certainly didn't have the energy to devote to it right then. Why couldn't he just let me deal with this my way? I lost a baby and I found out my body, which I'd taken such care to maintain, was broken. Not just broken, ruined. It did not work and because of that, no child I tried to carry would every survive. And to me, that just begged one question, why should I?

Not for the first time, I could only wonder why Mark had made the decision to save me instead of the baby. She could've lived. The docs said otherwise but I just _knew_ that she'd have been all right. It was a ridiculous thought, I _knew _that but it didn't stop me from thinking it. Christ, I wasn't ever four months along...but...

I sighed. It didn't matter now anyway. Nothing did.

As I curled myself into the pillows, I heard the garage door open and shut again and then the sound of his boots. My heart jumped and I cringed. God, cringed? Why? That was my _husband_! And just that quick I felt the first tears start to sneak by.

My book forgotten, I sat there watching the door, willing it to open and show Mark with the little grin on his face that was only for me. I hadn't seen that look in what felt like forever. I knew that wouldn't happen though. He hadn't looked at me with anything but pity since I got out of the hospital. Every time he saw me stick myself and grimace, his eyebrows would come together in the same frown and I just...couldn't...deal with that look!

I had always been strong. I had always been capable. I, me, Adrian Calaway, was a fighter and this whole thing was just another mountain to climb. And I would climb it, in my own time and in my own way. God, I had to make him stop looking at me like that. I wanted was to see him look at me the way he always had. But I wasn't that person any more to him, was I?

Raising a shaking hand to wipe at my eyes I shook my head. No. I wasn't the same woman to him anymore. Gone were the nights of rough housing in the living room and being dragged kicking and screaming and laughing into the bedroom when neither of us could stand to keep our hands off each other any longer. Now he was afraid he'd break me. Well, he couldn't. I was already broken. I had to fix it myself and no one could help me. Especially not him. HE was the one that needed to realize that I was still tough and I was still his partner in crime. I had to make him stop looking at me like I was less... Even if it was a little lie, I had to make him believe I was as good as I had been...

I dropped my hands and scrambled for my book when I heard the doorknob begin to turn. My heart was pounding a mile a minute in my chest as I tried to look natural, comfortable, totally ordinary. I could only pray he didn't notice the fine tremble in the fingers that were holding, maybe a little too tight, to the novel.

"Figured you'd be asleep by now." He breathed and walked past me to the adjoining bathroom.

I cringed again and bit my lip, stifling the lump in my throat, the tears that were still fighting for dominance of my face, and the litany of pleas that wanted to fall out of me for him to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay.

"Well, I'm not." I managed but I wasn't sure it was loud enough to carry over the sound of the water running in the sink. And so what if it didn't? It wasn't as if he'd have anything to say back. Christ, when did I stop being his friend?

With a disgusted grunt, I tossed the book to the floor and flicked off the bedside light as I scooted down, dragging the big down comforter up to my shoulders. I laid on my side listening to the perfectly normal sounds from the bathroom. He'd brushed his teeth, and now I could hear the beard trimmer whirring away as it chewed off the straggling ends of his red goatee. I sighed. I used to do that for him just because he was gone so much and it was an excuse to spend a little more time together.

All at once my eyes started to burn again. I slammed them shut and told the tears to get the hell back. God I was not going to feel sorry for past I couldn't have anymore. I had to make the future myself. Mark was doing what he'd always done (with the exception of hawk-eyeing me all the time to make sure I wasn't going to die on the spot). He was working, yes, a bit less since everything had happened but he was still gone and when he was home he was still riding and still being Mark. The only difference was, I wasn't there along side him. Sorry, I just wasn't able to pull it together that easily.

My lips tightened. Yeah, I was sorry. I was sorry I wasn't dealing so well as I could've been but if I could have just left it in the past and started to move forward with a clean slate like he seemed to be, maybe we'd be okay. But I was the one with a defective organ leeching away my life force that wouldn't let itself be forgotten. I had to deal with that every day while he went and messed with his bikes and went to signings and wrestled matches and let life fall back into its standard operating procedure. How was it exactly that he thought I could do the same thing when I had to drag drugs and needles and glucose and every other friggin thing I needed to stay on an even keel with me everywhere I went? It was humiliating. It wasn't me. It wasn't the woman he'd married and I had to find a way for him to see me that way again. God the whole thing made me so angry.

I had to swallow it and be what I was. Not this whining, fragile, shell I'd become.

My stomach lurched and dragged me out of my thoughts when the buzzing from the bathroom stopped and the door opened, slicing the darkness I'd made with a big bright knife before he flipped off the light.

I shifted over to my side, facing the wall like always and closed my eyes, listening while he stripped down for bed and squeezed them shut tighter when his familiar weight dipped his side of our massive bed. I could feel his gaze on me and fought the urge to shiver. He wanted to talk, I could feel it heavy in the room, but I just couldn't bring myself to start the conversation. I didn't know what to say. 'Hey, sorry about your luck. Bet you didn't expect to to be stuck with a broken wife who can't even give you children!'. Yeah, that so wasn't going to help anything. Instead, I did my best to relax, to take on that pliant easiness that only sleep can bring. I just hoped I wasn't shaking too badly to give the lie to it.

"I'm goin back on the road for a while." His deep baritone broke the carefully maintained silence and I jumped twisting toward him.

"But I thought..." I started in a whisper, the inside of me screaming with the knowledge that he was going and I'd be alone.

"I know. Dave got injured so they moved my storyline up. Gotta catch the show in Omaha tomorrow."

"Oh... Can't argue with that I guess." I made sure my voice was level and even tried to drag back a little of the old playful sarcasm. There was no way I was going to make his having to do his job harder because his leaving would be hard for me. No, I would not be that kind of wife.

"Guess not." He conceded and shifted, laying flat on his back, his hands laced under his head as he stared up at the ceiling. He was waiting for me to address the argument and as much as I hated to admit it, I needed to.

Screwing up my courage, I turned to face him, my eyes tracing along the line of his stomach and chest as it rose and fell a little quicker than it should have been. He was trying so hard to stay calm when I knew he wanted to start yelling. Hell, maybe I even deserved it. I probably did.

"Look...I..." I began in barely more than a whisper. Jesus it didn't even sound like me.

"Don't. I know." He cut me off, his beautiful green eyes flickering across who-knows-what above the bed.

"No, don't do that." I tried again and had to clear my throat to make it audible. "I've been..."

"A bitch?" He offered and I caught the faint glimmer of a grin at the corner of his mouth. He was trying to make it a joke. Trying to make me laugh even though all I'd done all day was hurt him in a thousand tiny ways.

"That's one way to put it." I agreed, ceding the high road as gracefully as possible. To be honest, I probably couldn't have put it any better myself. "I just want you to know that I appreciate you...dealing with me."

As I spoke he turned to face me, head resting on his fist as he laid on his side and I couldn't drag my gaze away from that long thick pony tail as it draped across his shoulder. God I loved the way it felt when it fell across mine when... I shook my head and swallowed forcing my eyes up to his.

"I..." I sighed and let my head drop. "I just, don't know what to..." And that was as far as I got. Before I could manifest the correct wording, his hand had snaked out and cupped the back of my head. He pulled me to him, his lips finding mine with an urgency I hadn't felt in... I couldn't remember.

I melted, utterly. I pressed myself against him, my legs tangling with his as he used his weight to roll me and press me down into our mattress. He felt so good, so right against me as his size overwhelmed me. His lips teased along the curve of my jaw, his beard tickling and scratching alternately in all the right places.

I wanted to say so much then. I wanted to scream at him that he was fooling himself into thinking he had the same woman but I was too selfish to stop the onslaught as he held me captive beneath him. I wanted this. I wanted it so badly every part of me ached in ways I'd forgotten I could until that moment.

The scent of him shattered me as he edged up to his knees and pulled his old, faded shirt off of me. I shivered as the cooler air hit my naked flesh but it only lasted a fraction of a second once I caught the look on his face. It was hunger and it was possession and it let me know with no words exactly what he wanted from me. I was more than willing to give it.

I moved to get to my knees in front of him but he stopped it, leaning down, bracing himself on one arm as he loomed over me, his massive thighs trapping my legs. I couldn't form words as I looked up into the face I'd loved for so many years and saw the expression on it. It was as if he was looking for traces of the Adrian he'd known before. Never had I wanted to give that illusion life like I wanted to then.

I opened my mouth to speak, to come clean as the guilt of what I'd become washed over me but the feel of the backs of his rough fingers as they skirted the curve of my exposed breast took all the fight right out of me. I gasped, my body shaking as the sensation tore through me and made me feel, at least for that split second, totally alive.

"That's my girl." He rumbled and smiled, the sound of his growling voice music to my ears as I arched toward him, my hands sliding up his hard biceps to latch onto his shoulders and hold on for dear life. I wanted so badly to be his girl again, to be that girl that was piss drunk and having a damn good time at the bar the night he met me. I wanted to feel like the woman who'd fought and drank and mixed words with the best of'em but I couldn't find my voice to agree that I was what he thought I was so I gave myself over to the fantasy of it. I lifted my head, my teeth rasping along his chin just like I used to and was rewarded with a rolling growl from deep in his chest.

God it felt good. It felt amazing as I dug my nails into his hard flesh and let him slide my knee aside with one of his and settle himself deeper against me.

"Oh god..." I hissed as he reached down dragging the ratty pajama bottoms down my legs, tossing them to the side and my panties with them. I wanted this. I wanted him against me and in that place where no words where necessary. I wanted to become that vessel that was nothing but hands to touch and skin to be touched and heat and need and passion that would consume us both if we didn't finish what we started but as close as I was to the edge, I didn't know if I could fall over it again.

So much had happened. So many horrible things and wonderful things that had altered the very fabric of who I was and as much as it pained me to admit it, I wasn't sure if I could handle the gravity of his desire. It felt like a lie even as I let him spread my thighs wider to make more room for him and what I knew was to come. God, what if that connection was missing? What if he could feel the change in me when he eased himself home? What if he could feel how diminished I was now?

But I was wrong. I was so wrong and as I felt him part me, work himself into me as he had a hundred hundred times before, everything fell into place and I was Adrian again. And he was Mark, my Mark. He was mine and I was his and it was what it had always been between us and all I could do was hold on to him and revel in the feeling that maybe he saw something in me still that I couldn't. Maybe, god just maybe, I was still me to him after all.

I gave myself to him with hands and lips and hips and sweat. I laughed as he growled and teased along the rigid planes of his back with my sharp little nails. We searched each other. Hoping for a part of what we had been and for that brief moment in time we found it. I tried to show him with the ecstasy of my body that I was still his wife and even if I couldn't do what all wives should do and give him a child to carry on his name, that I loved him all the same and lived my life for him just as he'd changed everything about his to make room for me because he loved me.

And in the after, the twilight that followed while we caught our breath and settled into the familiar position where his body surrounded mine, I tried to hold onto what I'd felt and what I'd seen in his eyes as he pulled me to him, hips tight against me as my calves held onto his to keep him as close as possible, I felt the doubts creep back in.

I felt myself deflating again and had to squeeze my eyes shut against the deluge I knew was coming. How could I have lied to him like that? I'd played the part I needed to to remind him of the woman he'd married but I just...didn't feel like her anymore. I didn't know if I could be that woman ever again.

It felt good, so good, to be in that place, wrapped in those arms, feeling the delicious soreness that always came after a night with a man as big as Mark but I didn't deserve it. I hadn't in a while.

I bit my lip as Mark shifted, holding me closer to him with that massive arm draped across my waist. He couldn't know how I was feeling. It would ruin everything.

"Love you Aid." He whispered against the shell of my ear and dropped a soft kiss against the side of my neck. I swallowed hard.

"I love you too." I managed striving to keep my voice level so he didn't hear the way I was breaking apart on the inside.

"Come on the road with me." I let out a feathery breath. He wanted me to come. God if only he knew what he was saying.

"Maybe next time..." The words even hurt to say. I wanted to go. I wanted to be one of the guys again.

Mark shrugged against me. "Now's as good a time as any babygirl. Might do ya good to see everybody."

No, no I couldn't do it. Not yet. Not til I'd redeemed myself in my mind and in his eyes. I couldn't let them see me like this. I had to find a way to smash it all down inside so all they saw was Adrian the way she'd always been. I had to learn how to put on the mask of me.

"You're leaving in the morning. There's no time to get the house sitter or anything." I managed, reaching for reasons that might seem plausible. I felt him nod against the back of my neck and knew I'd won.

"You're right. No one to come and watch the horses." I shriveled a little more inside. He was reaching too. He didn't really want me to go after all. It was just another attempt at recapturing what I was sure we both knew we were losing.

"You'll be back soon." He nodded and I felt his deep sigh as it played along my bare shoulder, ruffling the flyaway hairs around my neck. "Maybe when you come back I'll go out with you on the next run."

"I'd like that." He told me after a long, thoughtful pause.

"Then that's what I'll do." I was lying. At that moment, the whole night felt like a lie. I was such a monster. He'd called me a bitch in jest but if knew the truth of what I'd done he'd say it and mean it and it'd ruin us both.

No, I couldn't do this again. I couldn't lead him any further into my well of despair and self-loathing. I needed to find that magic key to make me okay again and until I did, I couldn't be this way. It was too cruel, too horrible.

I let go of a deep breath and huddled closer to Mark's body. I could feel the line of him, soft and loose behind me and I held my breath, listening to him breathe. It was deep and even. He was asleep and I was wrapped in his arms. How long had it been since we'd done this? How long since we'd created that imaginary line down the middle of the bed that neither of us seemed willing to cross? I shuddered. I wanted this feeling. I wanted this closeness again but I had to make it true. He thought he was with his wife, not this...thing she had become.

Shuddering, I closed my eyes and willed my breathing to stay even. I owed it to him, to me, to that little girl that we never got to bring home, to find that spark of me that was still Adrian. No matter how long it took, I'd get her back and until then? Hell, I just didn't know.


	9. Chapter 9

_(**A/N:** Well, its been nearly 5 years in the making but this is it. The last installment of this story. Life has been very weird on this end and every time I think it's going to get better I get swatted again. It sucks. No question. My muses however, seem to be rearing their heads again. I may not be terribly vocal anymore but I'm still lurking. heh. To any of you who are still paying attention to this fic, thank you. Thank you for your patience and your loyalty. You have no idea how much it means to me. I **hope** this does the rest of this fic justice. I've been over it a few times and I think it works things out nicely. Enjoy! And as always, the fanfic mantra... Read and review should you feel so inclined. Take it easy guys... ~Egypt)_

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I opened my eyes and it was Tuesday. The sun was shining dully through the black out paint on the basement windows and as I rolled over, the creak of Mark's leather couch made me groan inwardly. I just wanted my bed. Ever since Glen had left the vultures seemed to have returned with a vengeance and I was so tired of living underground. If I had to stay downstairs much longer I was convinced my eyeballs were going to start shrinking and I was going to end up pigmentless like one of those fish that lived in water deep in caves underground.

Yeah, I know. Too much Discovery Channel but there really wasn't much to do when you're in hiding in your own house. At first, I thought I'd rearrange the furniture but both the giant TV and Mark's obnoxious man-throne of a couch were impossible to move without help. I'm sure one of the camera-toting piranhas outside would've been more than happy to give me a hand but I wasn't _that _kind of suicidal just yet.

A month and a half I'd been sneaking out the back door and into my basement. My barn had become my garage and there was no way I could've gotten the bike out without bringing down a shower of paparazzi. This was an absolute nightmare. In fact, the only thing that made it even remotely bearable was that Mark seemed to have gotten the company's lawyers involved in the process and the "leak" shall we say, had been plugged. I didn't know how they'd managed it but I suspected it had something to do with large sums of money paid out by Vinnie Mac's accountants.

That man gets a pretty bad rap but when push comes to shove and his big money talent is in some sort of trouble, he steps up and Mark is still a top ticket draw. Neither he nor the WWE could afford that kind of scandal. So whether or not Mr McMahon's reasons were benevolent, I was glad Mark had gotten the company involved. It meant we were only a couple steps away from this clusterfuck being over with.

I sighed. One down... Still hadn't dealt with the big one. Although it had gotten better in a way. Mark's reaction the day Glen had arrived had shaken me hard. I hadn't forgiven him but it did open my eyes. He was right about quite a few things. I was cold anymore and I didn't know how not to be. I figured as long as no one said anything, I was doing a pretty good job of hiding how I really felt. Holy shit was I wrong. So I bit the bullet. I had to do something.

As soon as Glen was out the door the next day, I'd pulled myself together, hopped on the internet, and started searching for therapists.

I was a mess when I got into my truck and sneaked out the back of the property (for the millionth time) and made my way into downtown Houston. I had to move while I had the motivation and while I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing, this step, the idea that maybe there was someone out there who could talk me out of this hole I'd dug myself into, was better than what I had been doing. Hell, anything was better than what I had been doing.

Rubbing my eyes, I shifted and grimaced as I let my legs fall off the side of the couch, the momentum hoisting me upright even if I had to brace myself with my hands to get any traction.

Right, shower. I needed a shower and then it was time to head back in for a session. Even after a month or so, the thought that I was telling a complete stranger about my fucked up head made me feel like a bit of a failure. I'd never had a problem getting my head right before and this whole asking for help thing stung. Then again, I'd never been in the place I was now and its not like I had anyone else I could go to for advice.

The diabetes thing I'd gotten under control pretty quickly which told me I obviously didn't really want to die but I'd been stuck in neutral for so long I forgot where drive was.

Ugh. I dumped the self-depreciating thought reel and tip-toed upstairs and into my bedroom careful to avoid all the closed windows. I gave my big neglected bed a longing look and a sigh as I shut myself up in the adjoining bathroom. I was stripped and in the shower in half a second and slowly, oh so slowly, I started to feel like a functional human being again. Hot water, soap, shampoo. If I could have, I would've stood there and marinated but wonder of wonders, I actually had something I had to do.

Hopping out, I wrapped my hair up in a towel and padded over to my closet. I had to squint to find the right jeans and tank top and it made me grumble. I really wanted some natural light but those camera toting bastards had gotten ballsy since the WWE legal team had gotten involved. Evidently it had turned into a conspiracy theory of epic proportions and they weren't just hiding down the driveway anymore. Oh no, they'd taken to wandering up and down the front of the house peaking in windows so as welcome as some chilly November breeze would've been, it was a no-go. For that matter, so was turning on the lights. They'd swarm if they saw any signs of life.

After I was decent I grabbed my phone off the bathroom counter and frowned. No call from Mark. That was kind of a bummer and I still wasn't exactly okay with feeling disappointed about not talking to him but after I'd gone to my first appointment I'd been so raw, so broken down I'd called him and he'd talked me off of my metaphorical cliff and told me he was proud of me for taking that step.

I hadn't actually meant to call him but even with everything that had happened my instinct was to call him to make it all better. That irked me but since that first trip, the ritual had been that on days I had appointments, he'd call me before I went and I'd call him after to let him know how it went and how I was feeling.

I glared at my phone again and actually considered shutting it off and turning it on again just in case the signal was lousy but stopped myself. I didn't know where Mark was to be honest and for all I knew he was still sleeping.

Whatever, I'd call him when I got back to the car.

Speaking of the car...

With a move that had become unfortunate habit, I crept out my back door and kept my head down until I was in the barn and let go a sigh of relief. Hopping up into the truck, I cranked the engine over, ran around and muscled the double doors open, and sprinted back so that all I had to do was pull out. No way was I letting them get near me.

Luckily, I was bumping over the rutted access road with no incident and that was the first sign my day was looking up. I hadn't actually _seen_ anyone but that didn't mean they weren't there.

Before I knew it, I was sitting comfortably cross-legged on Dr Aaron's couch and trying desperately to listen to what he had to say but I was distracted. I couldn't help myself. Once Mark had figured out that I actually wanted to talk to him, he'd called faithfully every morning I had an appointment. I had a sneaking suspicion it was to make sure I kept going but I'd come to rely on him to keep me motivated.

I still hated that. I hated knowing that part of me that was still me and wanted to be different than the way I was anymore needed him, his voice, his reassuring words to find its way out into the light of day again.

"Adrian?" I shook my head and made myself focus on Dr Aaron's balding head and kind gray eyes. "Where are you in your head this morning?" He smiled. I tried to smile back. Failed. "I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall."

I shook my head, chuckling softly and readjusted myself on his couch. "Sorry. Its... Mark didn't call me this morning." I blurted before I could censor myself.

"So you want to talk to him?" He asked in his gentle, psychologist's way and I had to think about it.

"Yeah... I guess I do." I told him honestly. "But, I don't forgive him."

Dr Aaron sighed and leaned back in his chair. We'd been having this argument since I'd first walked through his door. "Only you can decide if you're willing to take that step but I really think holding onto this resentment is slowing your progress." I cringed. It wasn't the first time he'd told me that. "I know you want to forgive him..." He nudged.

I unfolded myself and leaned back against the arm rest. Was he right? No. I couldn't be right about that. Strong women did not take back cheating, lying men. I shook my head and let it drop backward.

"No, I want a time machine." I let go of a halfhearted chuckled. "I want to go back and stop all this shit from happening. That's what I want." As I spoke I reached down absently to my belt and grabbed my phone to see if he'd called since I turned my ringer off. He hadn't.

"Then why do you think it is that that's the third time you've looked at your phone since you sat down?" He leaned forward which meant it was getting to something. "Its not fair of you to want him to support you but not want him in your life."

Fair. No, nothing was fair was it? I shook my head again. "He just...always calls. I'm starting to worry is all." Dr Aaron looked less than convinced but he dropped it and looked at his watch.

"I'm sorry Adrian but I've got another client coming in. Shall we pick this up again on Thursday?" I nodded and gathered my things before shaking his hand and heading out the door. As usual he'd given me a lot to think about.

This was the part I really disliked. As I walked back out into the bright autumn sunlight I was cold from the inside out and even though I was reeling the world was still turning. I was not good at this baring my soul thing and while it had gotten easier, I still felt like I'd taken sand paper to my skin. It just didn't seem right that the cars were still whizzing down the streets and businesses carried on and life went on while I was still so stuck in where I'd been.

Luckily, I parked close and once I was shut in the dark interior of my Durango I felt like I could breathe a bit better. I let my head drop back onto the headrest and just continued to breathe for a long moment, my hand hovering over my phone and anxiety clawing at my chest for no good reason. I _really_ just wanted to call Mark but if I kept doing that, Dr Aaron would never believe that I wasn't there to save my marriage. I really wasn't. I was there to fix myself. If my marriage had any hope of surviving, _I _wasn't the one who needed therapy now was I? Whatever... Mark still seemed to think apologizing was enough. I'd stopped arguing with him because he was either unwilling or unable to give me the answers I needed to hear. Well, the one answer. I wanted to know why. His story hadn't changed from the beginning. So props to him for consistency.

Oh this was just stupid. Reaching forward, I started the truck and yanked the wheel, edging into the mid-morning traffic. Once I was was through the stop and go of downtown Houston and back onto my comfortable country roads, I fumbled my phone until I managed to pull up the recent calls and found Mark's number. I pressed send and cracked my window luxuriating in the crispness of the late autumn air. I listened to the ring waiting for that familiar "How'd it go" but it dumped to voicemail. I frowned and glanced at the screen watching the little timer tick along as Mark's voice told me to leave a message and cut off into the beep. "Hey, its me. I uh...just left the office and I missed you this morning. Call me when you can. I love you." I said and ended the call.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I tried not to let it get to me even though the pit of my stomach felt hollow. God was I really this kind of dependent on his voice? I hoped not but basic physiology seemed to be telling me otherwise.

It was so stupid. He must have been busy. It was November and that meant that planning for the Christmas with the Troops was in full swing and given that he'd made every trip to the Middle East with the company, he'd be involved. That had to be it. Yeah. It was either that or maybe he'd decided that I was getting better and relaxed a little. If that was the case, I was unthrilled with his new train of thought.

Before I knew it, I was turning back onto our access road and angling back into the barn. As I shut off the engine I closed my eyes for a second and geared up for the sprint back to the house. It really sucked. I was starting to forget what the front of my house looked like but that was a thought for another time. For now, I just had to get into the place.

I hopped out of the truck and and edged to the side door glancing left to right. The coast was clear so I headed over to the house, my keys dangling at my side and at the ready.

"Adrian Calaway?" The professional voice made me jump, my head swiveling for the source. There was a perfectly average man walking toward me from the corner of the deck and damn it, I had frozen to the spot. Before I could get myself moving again, he was standing in front of me. "Are you Mrs Adrian Calaway?" He asked again and came to stand at a parade rest in front of me. I stepped away from him edging toward the door.

"Do I know you?" I managed and took another step backward. He shook his head and as I watched his hands began to move forward. Fuck me, he had to be a photographer.

I turned my head fast and ran for the house, my keys suddenly a useless ring of metal that would in no way help me get in the door. As I fought through them one at a time he shoved a manila envelope into my line of sight. "You've been served." He said and was gone as soon as my numb fingers closed around the disconcertingly weighty package.

Served? I've been served? I was being sued? What in the blue hell?

Miracle of miracles, I found the correct key, pushed the door open, and went into the kitchen tossing the summons on the counter so I could stare at it. I didn't want to open it. I didn't want anything to do with it. It had to be a mistake. I couldn't have done anything wrong. It'd been months since I'd done anything.

All of a sudden, that thought was funny. I was laughing and leaned against the counter braced on one arm as I stared at the thing like it was about to bite me. Maybe I needed to try Mark again... No. No I did not. To prove my point, I unclipped my phone from my belt and slide it down the counter.

Before I could stop myself, I picked the packet up and popped up the little flap. Jesus... this was a lot of stuff. Whoever wanted me for whatever, apparently wanted me bad and it made my stomach flip around in my abdomen. No, this was not good.

As I slid out a stack of papers, a newspaper page fluttered out and down to the floor. I dropped the rest of it beside my coffee pot and bent to pick it up. As I flipped it over for a better look my heart stopped in my chest. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I could NOT believe what I was looking at. It was a color photo done in that grainy newspaper way, of me latched onto Glen at my front door.

Oh Jesus I was so stupid! When I'd seen him at my door, I'd forgotten everything but how lonely I was and how good it was to see him and the rag mags and taken full advantage.

I couldn't read the words plastered in bold red letters as my eyes welled up. This was so much worse than anything I could've come up with in my head. Mark's fling talking to the tabloids was bad enough but at least what she said would probably have been partly true but this..._this_ inference was a total lie. It was a complete fabrication. Glen was my friend but that was all and I didn't have to get a better look at what was trembling in my hands to know what was written there would say otherwise.

I dropped the thing beside the sink and held myself up with my arms to catch my breath, my fingers digging into the sand colored tiles. I thought we were out of the media nightmare. I was so sure that part was over but it appeared they'd just shifted focus.

God I wanted to throw up.

Steeling myself, I edged the thick legal document over so I could see it. Hell, maybe if I was lucky it was from the WWE's legal department and all I had to worry was testifying against these assholes on Mark's behalf.

I was not lucky.

"Oh god...no..." I blurted as I read what was in front of me for the fourth time. I had to be dreaming. This couldn't be...

PETITION FOR THE DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE

Mark was divorcing me.

My stomach was roiling as I flipped the pages to find cause. "Irreconcilable differences". That was all.

I was numb. I'd finally managed to find Hell. This was it.

The first of the tears snuck by and I grabbed my phone just as my knees gave out. I landed ungracefully on my kitchen floor and backed myself up against the lower cabinets. I couldn't stop my eyes. Its like I was leaking. I know I was crying but I think the shock won out. I couldn't make a sound as I sat there, wiping my face from time to time and otherwise staring straight ahead.

Divorcing me. Jesus fucking Christ. And because of another tabloid? Really? How could he believe what those things wrote after what they'd been saying about him? God I wanted to scream.

"Oh fuck this." I said out loud and something snapped into place. Lifting my phone, I all but punched in Mark's number and let it ring. When the voice mail picked up, I hit end and started the process over again. He was going to tell me in his own words that this was what he wanted. I needed to hear him say it to believe it.

My heart was hammering in my chest by the fourth trip around the dial, ring, voice mail routine and I had to make the conscious effort not to plaster this phone against the wall like I had my last one. The crying had stopped but it had been replaced with a fury the likes of which I was not aware I was capable of. My face was hot with the magnitude of it.

I punched the end button and then hit redial again.

What a coward! That thought made me laugh out loud. Mark was a coward. He couldn't say the words to me so he had me served with papers by a complete stranger. Didn't I deserve better than that at least? Who'd have thunk it.

"Hello." His voice was like ice when he finally answered.

"So this is it huh?" I spat clutching the phone so hard the plastic creaked. "You're gonna take the word of a god damn tabloid?"

"I'm givin you what you want. That's all." I wasn't even going to dignify that with a response.

"Tell me you don't believe what that thing says."

"You both lied to me. I know that and that says more than that fucking paper does." I'd never heard him sound this way. It was terrifying. He was so cold. So detached. He was resigned. Mark actually thought that I'd been having an affair with his best friend.

"Don't do this." I found myself saying. "Please."

"Its done. Just sign'em and bring'em by my hotel tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I blurted.

"I'm in town." God these short answers were killing me.

"Oh." I managed and took a deep breath. "Why?"

"Got a show at the Toyota Center tomorrow night." I nodded even though he couldn't hear me and swallowed so hard it clicked.

"Mark. You have to know there's nothing between Glen and I. C'mon now." My voice was shaking right along with the rest of me. I desperately wanted to hear something...anything in his voice. I had to find a way to explain. "Mark?" I pushed after a crushing silence from his end. "Please tell me you didn't hang up."

"Why did you lie to me?" It was barely more than a hiss and when I opened my mouth nothing came out. Why _did_ I lie when he asked me if Glen was there? I didn't have an answer. Maybe because I was afraid this is exactly what he'd think? God SO stupid. I was so, so stupid.

"I didn't...mean to..."

"Yeah but you did. And he did too. What the fuck does that look like, huh?" Mark cleared his throat and started up again. "Is this my punishment then? For all the shit I pulled?" I tried to cut in and tell him no but he bowled right over my words. "I mean, Jesus Christ Adrian, at least you didn't _know_ who I fucked!"

"I did not sleep with Glen!" I yelled over him. "I have never been anything but faithful to you you self-absorbed son-of-a-bitch!" Mission accomplished. I heard his teeth snap together.

"What the hell did you just say to me?"

"You heard me. Suddenly you're up in arms because now you look like the stupid one. How. Does. It. Feel?"

"Adrian, you don't wanna go there. You're not exactly pleading your innocence here."

"Oh please. You know nothing happened. I love you. Glen loves you. The Globe is pissed because they got warned off of you but I was still fair game. Yeah, I should've told you Glen came to check on me but ya know what? That's a pretty small mistake in the face of everything we've done to each other." I stopped myself as realization settled over me. _...everything we've done to each other..._

Mark grunted then sighed. "We fucked this all up. I can't fix it. You don't want to. Just sign the god damned papers and get'em back to me."

"So this is what you want." I made myself say the words and swallowed hard.

"I don't have any choice anymore. I dunno what to believe."

"Oh the hell you don't..." I started but as I readied my indignant response, the weight of the last few months dropped on my chest. I was all set to argue with him, tell him to talk to Glen and see what he has to say about everything. Tell him to ask his best friend what he'd seen when he'd been down in Texas with me but he was right. There was no more choice to be made. I wasn't going to let him come home. I was comfortable with our tentative long distance relationship and that was so not fair. For Christ's sake, it was _his _house.

I had to get out. I had to go home and try to start over. Mark had broken me with one colossal betrayal and I'd done the same thing to him by hanging around and leaving him with that tiny flickering hope of maybe...

I swallowed hard and tried to put my thoughts into some sort of order. Was I really giving up and letting him go? No matter what had happened between us, there had been more good times than bad and if he needed to be rid of me it was the least I could do for him.

Maybe he'd learned from what had happened with me. Maybe he'd be better for the next woman he fell in love with.

Oh God... Just thinking it made my head light and swirly but this was what he wanted. He wanted me gone because in all honesty, I was gone already.

"Do...I need a lawyer?" I finally asked, my voice flat.

"You got things you wanna contest?"

"No. None of this is mine. Its all yours."

"Then I guess not." Did I hear a little regret in his voice? My heart skipped hoping there was still something to hold onto. Maybe if he just gave me some more time I could find a way to look him in the eye... Start there. Build something again.

But I was kidding myself. He'd broken my heart in the worst possible way and I'd punished him with my absence. I'd exiled him from his home for months..._months_ on half promises and words that were more ambiguous than anything else. He was hurt too.

I'd wanted him to hurt. My god had I, but while what he'd done had been like pulling a band aid off quickly, my passive aggressive shit was like a cancer eating away anything that resembled trust between us, no matter how tenuous it had been, and the stupid article in that stupid tabloid was the death blow to our relationship. Yeah, his actions had started this slow degradation but what I had done was no less cruel.

I felt sick.

"Where are you staying then?" My throat was dry but we both deserved what we were about to do. We were killing each other in memory and in deed. We just weren't healthy for each other anymore.

"Marriott by the airport." He said and sighed. He sounded tired. Maybe he was relieved I wasn't going to fight him on it. "Just drop it at the desk. They'll get it to my room and I'll have our...my lawyer take care of the rest."

...And he didn't want to see me.

"Uh...okay then. I'll start packing I guess."

"You do that. I'll let you know when everything's done and you're free of me." I heard the wry twist to his words but I had the feeling commenting on it would only make a bad situation worse.

"I'll call you when I'm leaving. That way you don't have to worry about seeing me." I shot back. "Shouldn't be more than a couple of days." And god, wasn't that the truth? All my time in Texas and the stuff that I really thought of as mine could be shipped across the country in one trip. "I'll leave the Durango in the barn."

"Take the truck. Its in your name."

"I don't want it." I didn't want anything to remind me of this.

"You need a car. Take the damn thing." He was right on that. Damn it.

"Just until I get my own."

"Its yours. You don't want it? Sell it when you get wherever you're goin'."

I couldn't believe we'd progressed to the your-stuff-my-stuff conversation so quickly. Everything felt like it was racing all of a sudden. God did I _really_ want this? My heart told a completely different story than my head. Then again, it had been doing that since the beginning and I still hadn't let it win. Now that it had taken me to the inevitable conclusion, I wasn't about to let the traitorous bastard make me crumble and beg when I knew damn well that I'd never forget what happened. Mark was entirely right. This was the only way. He needed closure and so did I.

"I'm uh...gonna call Casey and make arrangements. I'll talk to you..." I'd been about to say 'later' but that clearly wasn't in the cards. "...whenever."

"Yeah. Bye." He said quietly and hung up. What was wrong with me that I was hoping for one more 'I love you'? I wanted to hear it for no other reason than to validate all the years and all the changes I'd been through since we met but it didn't matter anymore. It was over. We were through. He'd just had the courage to take our marriage off of life support when I didn't.

I had to take a deep breath to get myself up off the floor. My legs protested as if they were in as much disbelief as I was at the unfortunate turn of events our lives had taken and were reluctant to get on board with the exodus of Texas but I managed. I stood in my...Mark's kitchen staring at the coffee pot on the counter, then the toaster, then the matte gray of the stainless steel sink and tried to put in order what I had to do.

Pack.

That was it. I had to get some boxes or something. I had to call a moving company and see how quickly I could arrange a storage unit in Michigan. I had to call Casey and see if I could crash on her and Brian's couch until I could find a job. Ah Jesus, I needed to find a job.

I backed up a step and bounced off the island, my hands reaching back to steady myself on it and all at once I started to shake. I needed to call Mark back. I needed to tell him to get out of that fucking hotel room and come home. We could fix this. Of course we could! We'd been through the worst thing I could think of already. How hard could it be to find that thing that had made us so good together for so long again?

Even though I already knew that was impossible the idea of going back to Detroit in failure made my throat constrict. I loved Texas. I loved the home we'd made even if it didn't feel much like it did anymore but staying wasn't an option. I'd be alone in Texas. I had acquaintances but how many of them had called since news of my soon-to-be ex husband's infidelity had become common knowledge? None.

I had to go home. If I stayed, everything I saw would remind me of Mark.

My legs still wobbly, I made myself make my way to the bedroom and immediately hit another wall of what-the-fuck-do-I-do-now.

Glancing at the closed and curtained window I sighed and threw them both open. To hell with whatever was outside. I just didn't care anymore. They'd done their job. They'd stuck the last nail in the coffin of my life and they were making money because of it.

Whatever.

The breeze was downright cold but I stood in front of it, my eyes closed, just smelling that unique fragrance that made Texas, Texas. There was nothing else like it.

I let it wash over me and with it came the flood of memories. The bar where we met, the backstage chaos that had become one of my favorite things, our wedding, the parties we'd thrown and been invited to, the quiet comfort of waking wrapped in those huge arms, late nights surrounded by friends drinking beers and listening to live music in dives all across the country, long rambling rides on the horses...

I felt tears burn trails down my cheeks but they were no longer panicked. These were tears of grief. I felt like someone I loved had died and in a way, I suppose that was about right. I was mourning the person I had been, the person he was, and the family we never started. I wouldn't ever see any of it again.

And the memories just kept coming. Hospitals. Lots of hospitals and his quiet steady presence beside me when the docs confirmed that kids were just not a possibility even though I'd managed to control my sugar levels pretty damn well. Stupid fights after long flights and late drives when we were both too strung out on travel to speak a civil word. There were petty jealousies on both our parts.

Those little jealousies had been insidious, hadn't they? There were so many times I was angry for something I caught fans doing. Those women were...Ugh. I could only wonder if my half-cocked freak outs brought on by my insecurities had made him look more seriously on them. Not that it mattered anymore.

With a sigh, I turned away from the window and went to my closet. I grabbed my beat up duffel bag and shuddered. The last time I'd touched the thing was when I had packed to go to Kansas City. It still had the tag from the flight dangling off of one of its handles.

Clutching the thing to my chest I backed up and sat down hard on the bed. I was right back where I'd been the night I'd come home. My stomach was a knot. My head was reeling and no matter how hard I tried to stop it, my eyes kept filling up and brimming over. My heart actually hurt. I was back in that moment in my mind and no matter how much I wanted to stop the replay in my brain, it was impossible.

* * *

"Hey! Glen!" I smiled as I answered my phone.

"Where are you?" He was laughing at me, that knowing tone in his voice. He knew damn well where I was. He'd helped me make arrangements.

"Kansas City International Airport... Where else would I be?" I said flatly to make sure he heard all of the 'well that's a dumb question' that went with the statement.

"That's a good thing, kiddo. I'm glad you're doing this. He needs to see you I think." My big friend said.

"I hope so." There was a little shake to my voice and I really despised it. "Its been a little rough lately. Sometimes I think he's relieved to get back on the road to get away from me."

"Nah. Believe me I see him more than you do." Glen chuckled then moved the phone away from his face to talk to someone nearby. "Sorry about that. Business and all that."

"Not a problem. Thanks for being my accomplice here. I wouldn't have had the balls to pull this off without your help." He laughed harder.

"I have never seen you lacking in the fortitude department but if you really needed me to hold your hand, I'm glad I could be of service." As Glen spoke, I felt his soft, nearly nonexistent drawl cleaning out the nerves that had been crawling all over my guts since the pilot had announced our arrival.

I'd never surprised my husband on the road before. I'd thought about it a time or two but it had been so long since Mark had mentioned my going out with the show for a while that my brain had started coming up with all the reasons he wouldn't want me there anymore. Then again, it might have had something to do with my constant negative responses. Say no enough and eventually, the asker stops asking.

I rounded a corner that was supposed to lead me to baggage claim with my little herd of fellow travelers and nearly ran into someone's back. I squeaked and sidestepped but it made Glen laugh harder. I was so glad I was comic relief.

"Are you sure I'm doing the right thing?" I blurted into my phone.

"Yes. I am. He needs a taste of the good old days, Aid." There was that calm, rational tone I'd come to rely on when Mark was concerned. Lord knew I could barely read the man anymore.

"He's not the only one." I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose while I waited for the luggage belt to start moving.

"I had a feeling that was the case. Just do me a favor and take a deep breath. I know how things have been lately. He does talk to me."

I had to fight a growl. Mark's constant gossiping with our friend was a point of contention I didn't like to think about. It was bad enough that Mark knew how out of sorts I'd been but the thought of Glen looking at me like I was an invalid sort of made me want to scream.

"Yeah...I know." I managed and switched the phone to my other ear as I looked around at the crowd. Now that I knew I was in the same city as Mark, it was like I expected him to catch me and tell me to go home.

"Have I told you that I don't think less of you?" He pressed on. "Because I don't. Its been a rough couple of years for the two of you. You in particular. I don't know that I could've come out of it in as good a shape as you have."

I knew he meant well but the more he talked about how I was the more I wanted to crawl into a hole. "I appreciate you saying that. I really do. Its just..."

"You're not good at showing weakness." He finished the thought I didn't really want to voice.

"Yeah..." Was my oh so eloquent response.

"Don't beat yourself up." I grumbled but he cut me off. "I'm serious, Aid. You need to stop it. Biology is a funny thing and there's not much we can do about it." I really hated when he was right.

"I promise to try to stop being an ass. Does that work?" I chuckled and he laughed outright. It was a good sound. A comfortable one.

"Its a start and I'll take it." He was smiling. You can hear it in Glen's voice. "Hey, do you know where the Hilton is? I can give you directions if you need'em." I shook my head even though he couldn't hear it.

"Nope. I've got it all mapquested in my bag..." I glanced around to see if there was any sign of life at the baggage claim. "...if it ever gets here."

"Good. There's some kind of party going on down in the bar. We seem to be cleaning them out tonight. Get here quick and we can make up for lost time. Okay?"

I have to admit, I liked the sound of that. I felt a smile break out on my face. "I think that is a plan. Hopefully I can catch you both down there."

"Sounds good. I'll see ya when you get here."

"Sure thing. Later hon." I was still smiling as I snapped my phone shut and stuck it back into its carrier on my belt just as the the conveyor belt rumbled to life and started spitting out bags. Naturally my old duffel was one of the last ones out but once I had it in hand, I grabbed my rental and was on the road.

By the time I pulled into the drive and found a spot to park, my heart was pounding in my chest. I honestly didn't know how Mark would take my unannounced arrival but I had it on good authority that he'd welcome it.

Glen had been putting the bug in my ear for a week. Mark was apparently more surly than usual and scaring the rookies. Maybe what he needed was a conjugal visit? That Glen had actually said that made me burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of it. It had been...a while... since we'd done that but there was no way I was telling Glen that. Besides, there was a good chance Mark already had. God that was annoying. But whatever... I was sitting in a rented Chevy with my head on the steering wheel. Not exactly why I'd flown all the way to Kansas.

With a deep, cleansing breath I pulled down the mirror and gave myself a once over. Unfortunately, I looked like I'd been traveling but on the bright side, I looked like I'd looked good when I started out. It would have to do. Everything I needed to primp was packed up in the trunk and the light was horrible. If I was lucky, everyone I was about to run into would be too drunk to remember I looked like hell.

I pocketed my wallet and keys and locked the door before I could talk myself out of the walk I had to make to get inside and started forward. God I wished my heart would calm down but every step was like beating a bass drum behind my sternum. I was so nervous. How stupid was that? I was going to see my husband whom I had not laid eyes on in three weeks. And if I had anything to say about it, I was going to put that conjugal visit idea to practice. Well that thought made me smile as I pushed through the revolving doors and into the lobby.

Immediately my senses were overloaded. The room was full of milling people and the music from the bar to the left was blaring. There was definitely a party going on in there and judging from the we've-got-nothing-to-do attitudes of the stragglers in the lobby, they all wanted in.

Smoothing my hands over my freshly dyed hair, I made for the entrance.

"You'll never get in. They're keeping the fans back." A tallish guy who looked around my age offered as I walked past him. I gave him a smile.

"I think it'll be okay. There's a good chance my husband is in there." All at once his eyes narrowed as if he were trying to place me. I had never been more glad of denying Mark's suggestion that I valet for him.

"Who's your husband?" He asked, skepticism all but dripping off of the words. I could only smile wider as I gave him half a wave and made my way to the doorway.

I hadn't noticed it was roped off until I got to it and true to form, there was a large man in a suit that didn't quite fit him standing behind it. He actually made me get out my ID before he stepped aside and let me through.

Once inside, the lights were blessedly dimmer than the lobby's but the music was deafening. Normally I wouldn't have had a problem with that but my short notice plane ticket had dropped me in three stops before I'd gotten to Kansas and I was totally whipped. I wanted to catch Mark's eye, whisk him upstairs to his room and have my way with him. It wouldn't totally undo the months and months of dwindling conversation but it was a start and boy did I want that start. Mark naked was something to behold...seriously.

I made it to the bar unseen and after I'd ordered a Killian's, I parked myself on a stool and watched these people that I'd come to think of as friends as they laughed and danced and drank. It was something to see from the outside. Not only had I been removed from it all for longer than I liked to admit, I'd never seen it from this angle.

It was obvious to anyone watching that they were kindred spirits. They were from all walks of life and different backgrounds but there was a sameness to them in the way they moved and reacted and the comfort with which they interacted. It was good to see. It was a reminder of why I'd come all this way. Well, one of them. I missed this. I missed seeing them and joking and laughing. Mostly though, I missed the feel of Mark's hand on the back of my chair as the long nights unfolded. Speaking of, it was time for me to find him and put my little plan into action.

I tipped the bartender and hopped down, working my way around the outskirts of the room looking for a flash of red hair or the deep rumble of his laugh.

"Adrian?" A shocked voice spun me on my heels just in time to be bear hugged by a tall blonde Canadian.

"Adam...I can't breathe..." I wheezed and was set on my feet again.

"What are you doing here?" He laughed and ran a hand through his hair. It was shorter and I couldn't help but frown. It was something I'd missed by keeping myself sequestered in the house in Texas. "Not that I'm not happy as hell to see you." He went on, his million dollar smile flashing.

"I'm here to surprise my husband." I told him and craned my neck to see over the mass of gigantic bodies. "Don't suppose you've seen him?" Adam shook his head and looked around as well.

"He was here. Not sure where he went though. I saw him talking to some fans in the lobby but that was a while ago." I shrugged. Well at least he hadn't gone off to crash for the night or anything.

"If you see him before I do, don't mention you saw me." I gave him a grin and he was suddenly all about the plot.

"Not a word. Although I'd like to see the look on his face." Rolling my eyes, I swatted his arm and with a wave pushed further into the crowd.

For nearly an hour, I was hugged and fed drinks and told that I was a bad girl for not being out with them anymore. It was really, really great. I'd missed the feeling of belonging more than I knew and the more I realized everyone was glad to see me, the more the knot in my stomach eased. Unless that had something to do with the beer. Who knew? But I didn't mind whatever the cause. I needed to relax.

By the time I found Glen, I was however, slightly disheartened. I hadn't found Mark but there was a room full of people who promised to find a way to steer him to me if they ran across him first.

"Find him yet?" My large bald friend asked as I slid in beside him at his booth. I shook my head.

"Starting to think he went to bed."

"He might've. When you're not around he's not as social." I frowned at let my shoulders slump then raised my hand to stifle a yawn.

"I'm starting to think he had the right idea. Do you know his room number off hand?" Glen seemed to think but shook his head.

"Front desk will likely tell you." I gave him an incredulous look and raised an eyebrow.

"I sincerely doubt that."

"Yeah. Me too." He grinned and fished around in his pocket before pulling out a small gray rectangle and handing it to me. "Which is why I lifted his extra key last time I was in his room. I know its on the fifth floor but I couldn't tell you exactly where." That was not a huge surprise since the numbers changed nightly for these guys but I was glad to have an 'in'.

I knew I was grinning as I leaned in to hug him. He really did think of everything. "Okay. Wish me luck. I'm gonna get this show on the road." I said and stood up to make my way back to the lobby waving to my friends as I went. Seeing them all again had done more for my mood than anything had in...well years.

The lobby was much quieter as I walked up to the desk. Evidently the masses had given up and gone home. I was thrilled with it. My ears were ringing and the excitement was starting to wear thin. The flights and the happy-to-see-yous and the six pack of beer I'd consumed were eating at my energy level.

"Can I help you?" A pleasant if not tired voice asked from the other side of the desk and dragged my attention back to center. Looking over I smiled to the woman and played with the key on the counter so she could see I had one.

"Actually yeah. I flew in to see my husband and for the life of me I can't remember what he said he room number was." I swished the key back and forth a couple of times for good measure. I saw her blue eyes drop to the thing briefly before she started clicking away at the keyboard on her side.

"What is your husband's name?" She asked and I told her. She frowned. "It seems the directive he's indicated is that no information be given out without his expressed permission." Ooooh no. That would ruin everything. I wasn't surprised though. He was famous for god's sake. The last thing he needed were fans figuring out where he was sleeping.

"Please?" I asked and tried to look contrite. "He's been on the road for weeks and its our anniversary." It wasn't but she didn't know that. I was rewarded with a softening around her eyes. Evidently she was a romantic. I was good with that.

"I understand your situation but I could get in quite a bit of trouble if I give out this information."

"I can guarantee he won't be angry." I said with more conviction than I felt. "Here, just so you know I'm not a crazy stalker..." I pulled out my wallet and handed her my driver's license. She took it and scrutinized it like she was a cop who'd pulled me over before comparing it to something on her screen.

"Well, the address matches the one on the card he used to book the room..." She said handing it back and did some more clicking on her keyboard.

"That's because we live in the same house." I said and smiled. She must've taken it as a joke and not the sarcasm I'd intended. But it didn't matter because the next thing I knew, she had scribbled his room number on a post it and handed it over.

"Happy Anniversary." She said as she winked. I shot her another smile, this one grateful, and headed for the elevators.

This silence outside the elevator on the fifth floor was as deafening as the obnoxious music had been down in the bar. I could actually hear my heart pounding as I made my way down the corridor scanning room numbers as I went.

Over and over I told myself that he'd be happy to see me. It wouldn't have the strained discomfort that we kept lapsing into at home. This was what he'd been asking me to do. He wanted me to come out on the road with him for a bit like we used to. It was going to be just fine. The mantra ran around and around in my head until I looked up and read the door plaque I'd been looking for. With a slow deep breath I made to push the key card into the little electronic lock but as I pushed, the door opened an inch.

My heart that had been doing so much pounding stopped in my chest. I listened hard, my eyes closed as I waited for the thing to be jerked open but it didn't happen. I couldn't hear anything from inside either. Maybe he had gone to sleep.

Gathering my courage, I pushed the door open wider, the light from the hallway falling into the black room and across the bland, nothing special hotel carpet. As the knife edge of illumination hit the edge of the bed I heard the sound of sheets rustling. So he had gone to bed. Ah well I guess I was just going to have to...

"Who the fuck is she?" A woman's outraged voice snapped my head up just as my stomach plummeted. I couldn't move. I wasn't breathing. All I could do is stand in the door way and wait for someone to tell me I had the wrong room. I was sure that was what was going to happen until I heard a soft deep curse. _That _voice I knew.

Stepping inside, my hands had gone numb as I fumbled for a light switch. I had to see. I had to see for sure what I... A soft click and everything was live in technicolor. Oh god. I shouldn't have turned on the light. I shouldn't have looked. I shouldn't have gotten on that plane.

"Aid..." Mark's voice was shaking, his eyes were locked on mine as he eased off to the side of a woman who was everything I was not and pulled the comforter with him into his lap. "Aid...I..." He started again but I shook my head. What could he possibly say that could make what I was seeing okay?

"Mark? Who is this?" The blonde asked again and shifted uncomfortably, the entitlement her first comment had been filled with obviously deflating by the second.

I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling to keep the tears from spilling over. I wouldn't let her see that. She had no right seeing anything. My throat was so dry. My chest was on fire. And I couldn't...stop shaking. I jammed my hands into my back pockets as I tried to take some slow breaths so I didn't lose it. Oh god I was so going to lose it.

"His ex wife." I finally managed and made myself look at him. His hair was loose and tangled, his cheeks were flushed with exertion, but his eyes looked terrified. Those green orbs I'd looked into so many times were shocky and showing too much white. Good. I hoped they popped out. "At least I will be as soon as I get home." I forced the rest of the words out and it was too much. Bile was rising in my throat, my head was spinning and my face felt hot. I squeezed my eyes shut for a blink before I bolted to the bathroom, slamming the door so that there was at least some barrier between the woman in Mark's bed and my utter and final humiliation.

I don't know how long I knelt there retching over Mark's toilet but eventually the gagging lessened and my stomach got back on track. I almost wished it hadn't. As soon as it was over all I could see was his broad back arched and framed by long tanned legs. Oh god... Oh god...Oh god. How the fuck could this be happening?

I heard their muffled voiced from the other side of the door. Mark was firm. She was irate. It brought on a whole new wave of nausea. Fortunately there was nothing left to bring up so I only had to endure a few minutes of dry heaves before I heard the outer door slam, the concussion of it shaking the bathroom door. It seemed fitting. In one very violent moment, I'd been shaken like I meant nothing too.

My legs were weak as I pushed myself up and flushed before turning on the water to rinse my face and mouth.

I had to get out of there. I had to go back to Houston and pack and go back to Detroit. Jesus, did I really see what I thought I had? I felt like I was dying.

Locking my elbows, I leaned on my arms and looked in the mirror. This could not be me. This was not my life. This was not how it was supposed to be.

"Adrian..." Mark was on the other side of my door.

"No." I gasped and let my head drop, the first real sob wracking me hard. "Just...no."

"Please baby girl...let me..."

"NO!" I screamed and threw open the door. He jumped back a step as I brushed past him making for the hallway. I had to get out of that room and away from him. It was as if I could smell what they'd been doing in there.

He was quick on the recovery, damn him. He was in front of me with his hand on the heavy wood before I could yank it open too. "Don't leave like this. Let me explain." His voice shook and the one glance I afforded him showed me that he was in pain too. Good. He needed to hurt. He needed to hurt like he'd just hurt me. Fuck I wanted to die. I just wanted to disappear. I couldn't stand that pleading tone, that desperate look. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the way his chest was heaving so close to me yet totally unreachable to my senses.

"I can smell her on you." I whispered and ducked under his arm, wrenching at the door for all I was worth. He pressed more of his weight into it and what little headway I had made vanished with a resounding thud that echoed through the hallway. "Let me go Mark!" I cried, the tears winning. "Just let me go!"

"I can't... You can't go like this." He went on. His voice was breathy like he was having trouble getting oxygen too. I really hoped he suffocated right there. Then I could escape. I could get out of this fucking room and away from him forever.

"Why?" I asked out of nowhere, my face snapping up to meet his. "Why would you..." I had to swallow. My lips were starting to go numb. "How could..." I couldn't bring myself to say the words.

It was as if I'd hit him. Whatever he saw in my eyes staggered him backward and away from the door. I watched his face morph into a look of pure anguish but I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't look at that sadness on his face. He didn't deserve to feel that! Oh my god I caught him in the act! It was my worst fear live and in person.

"Don't come looking for me." I spat and threw open the door, racing out of it and away from my husband.

The elevator took too long. I could hear Mark's footsteps in the hall behind me so I ducked down the stairwell and all but ran down the five flights to the lobby. I was gasping by the time I broke through the lowest door. The party was breaking out and I cursed my timing. I couldn't bear to face my friends after what I'd seen. Could they have known and not said a word? How could they not have? It made me sick. The whole world was making me sick at that moment. I just needed to go. I needed to get out of the hotel and back to my rental and...

"Aid?" Glen's surprised voice caught me off guard but I didn't turn. I waved him off pushing my way through the revolving door and out into the cold night.

He followed me and while I wasn't surprised, it was the most unwelcome thing I could think of at that moment.

"Adrian! What happened?" He asked as he caught my arm and hauled me to a stop. As soon as I rounded on him and saw the horror and concern on his face, I broke down. I fell into my friend's chest and sobbed. My throat catching. My breath ragged. "Hey, hey... What happened? What'd he do?" He murmured against my hair as his arms wrapped reassuringly around me. "Talk to me."

"He..." I tried but I was hyperventilating and I had to go. Mark wasn't far behind me. He couldn't have been.

"He wasn't happy to see you?" He guessed and sighed. "Ah hell Aid, I thought this would be a good thing. I really did." He was trying so hard to comfort me but I could only shake my head. I didn't know if I could say the words out loud.

"Adrian!" I stiffened at the sound of my name as Mark barreled out the front door. "Baby girl you gotta listen to me..."

"Don't call me that! Ever!" I screamed and pushed away from a stunned Glen. "You don't get to say those things to me anymore!"

"Please let me explain..." He pleaded and held his hands up as if I were a wild animal he was trying not to spook as he took small, slow steps toward me. I backed away but I couldn't tear my eyes off of him. His hair was back in a sloppy pony tail and he'd managed to throw on pants and boots but that was all. His shirt was dangling from one hand. God I could see the red welts along his ribs. I knew what those were. They were finger nails. I'd left a few of my own on his body.

"There's nothing to explain." I seethed and turned to leave again but Glen stopped me.

"Somebody needs to tell me what the hell is going on." I turned my face up to Glen's and his worried gaze just hurt more.

"Ask him." I spat and crossed my arms under my chest. "I dare you. Ask him what...I...saw..." The last part was spat at Mark and he flinched with each of them.

To my side, Glen let go of a deep breath and shifted his weight before looking at his long time friend. "Jesus Christ Mark, what did you do?" His voice was so sad. It was as if he'd been betrayed too. At that moment, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Glen at least had no idea what Mark had been up to.

I watched Mark's eyes shift from me to Glen and back again. His mouth kept opening and closing as if he didn't have the words.

"The better question is 'who' did he do, Glen." I said softly and let my gaze scan the asphalt under my feet. I didn't want to look at either of them.

"God damn it." Glen sighed and out of the corner of my eye, I saw his shoulders slump. "What the hell were you thinking?"

I stopped listening as Mark started babbling. I had to get away. I put one foot behind the other and backed toward where I'd parked my rental. It was all too much. It was too ridiculous to fathom. But there I was and had been since I'd opened that door. This was my reality now. Life as I knew it was over.

Turning on my heels I got myself moving again only to be grabbed by the upper arm for the second time that night. I knew who it was this time. I could tell by the urgency with which the fingers snagged me and held on. I spun, wrenching my arm out of Mark's hand as my free palm connected with the side of his face, snapping it to the side with a crack that startled me but didn't slow my momentum. "Don't touch me." I hissed and finally reached my car.

I started the engine and pulled out without looking back. I knew what I'd see and the utter despair in Mark's eyes was more than I could bear. I'd drive myself into a tree.

I had to get home. I had to disappear. Casey would hide me. She wouldn't let him near me even if he did come looking. Not that I thought he would. I saw exactly how much I'd meant to him the second I flipped that light switch. I was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I slept for a few hours at the airport after I'd cried myself out and by noon the next day, I was back in Houston.

On the return flight I'd given myself every pep talk I could think of and miraculously, it had worked a bit. By the time I pulled my truck up to the front of the house I was full of purpose. I would make sure that there was nothing left of me here. I would disappear and after a while, he'd forget my face and with any luck my name. I needed this break clean so the wound he'd caused in my chest didn't fester.

Yeah. That was it. It was a good plan and it kept my feet moving forward. That was until I threw open that door and all that familiarity washed over me. I stood in the open doorway, my gaze roaming over the placement of the furniture, the pictures on the walls, the small touches of my own that I'd added to his very rustic interior and I couldn't move.

This was my home. This was the only place that had ever felt like a part of me. When we'd pulled that U-Haul up the long drive all those years ago something inside me had clicked. It was as if I'd found the missing piece. I had Mark, I had a new start, I had options and joy ahead of me and as much as I wanted to deny it and take a baseball bat to the bikes in the garage, that feeling hadn't changed. It _still_ felt like my home.

Over and over again the 'for better or worse' ran through my head as I dragged my unused bag into the living room and left it lay there. Was _this_ what they meant by worse? Could it get any worse? Sure it could. The blonde could have been one of many. I would never know and I didn't want to. I couldn't stand to hear of more.

The tears started up again, trailing down my cheeks to drip off my chin as I made my way over to the couch to collapse on it. Maybe I would wake up. I kept telling myself to. This had to be a nightmare. Had to be.

The house phone rang and I grabbed it without thinking as I tried to breathe my way through the sobs and hit the button. "Hello?" I said but couldn't have cared less.

"Aid..." Mark's voice shook and I hit the end button. Immediately it rang again. The panic in him was so not my problem. If he didn't like the way he felt, he should've thought of how I'd react before he took that girl up to his room.

God why did this have to happen? Why did he have to prove me wrong?

The answering machine picked up and clicked off. He hadn't left a message. But then the ringing started all over again. I reached up grabbing the base of the cordless phone and yanked the cord out of the wall before curling on my side on the couch that smelled like his soft, sweet, musky cologne and cried until I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up with a gasp and shot upright in a pile of my clothes on the floor. God I hadn't dreamed of that awful night in months but here I was, shaking, my face wet with tears I'd cried in my sleep all over again. That night I had been so sure of what I needed to do. I knew I couldn't stay. I knew I needed to leave but I just...hadn't. The fear of being without the life I loved had overridden my need to leave.

And what did that say about me? I had always had a very clear viewpoint on cheating. It was unforgivable. It was the worst thing you could ever do to someone you were supposed to love and by all rights, I should have walked out the door. But I had never been in love before when I cemented the rules of my life. Everything had been so black and white then. Now? It was all gray. There were no clear answers. No perfect solutions. If I had left that night like I had planned I wouldn't be in less pain. It would have been a different kind of pain.

All of my reasoning, at this point, made no difference. Hoisting myself out of the pile I padded barefoot back to the kitchen and grabbed the divorce papers and a pen. I had to give him what he wanted.

I wouldn't look at them as I sat back down on the bed. I had to steel myself for what I was about to do. Even though I knew in my head it was humane euthanasia it felt like murder. I was effectively cutting Mark out of my life for both of our good but he was my family. I knew this was necessary but in that moment, I was giving myself a moment of painful doubt. I felt I was entitled to it. There would be no more birthdays or Christmases or Sturgises together. There would be no more late night runs for pancakes when the mood struck and neither of us could sleep. It was all ending and while I knew it was what had to be done, I deserved a moment to sit there in what had been our room and think about everything that I was giving up. I deserved this moment to formally say good bye.

I sat there and cried with my legs curled under and the papers before me on the duvet. I felt like I was pulling the plug on our life and it tore at my heart but I let the flood of misery come. I hadn't ever done it. I hadn't ever cried for what we were losing. Both of us. I was furious at him, yes. I was hurt and broken but I was changing his life too. Even though he'd initiated the action, he'd left it in my hands to finish. He'd trusted me to do what needed to be done.

As I wiped my eyes I glanced out the window watching the slant of the sun in the sky and the warm orange light that hailed the beginning of twilight. The horrible day was ending. It was ridiculous but at that moment, it felt right to end everything before tomorrow. There was no need to drag it out any further. I'd done plenty of that.

With a deep breath, I picked up the pen and had to concentrate on steadying it as I flipped page after page of legalese to find the spot that required my signature. From what I could tell as I skimmed the pages, Mark was leaving me with far more than I'd come to the relationship with. That was...unexpected. My truck was written in and so was the contents of our joint bank account. He'd kept his private one of course, but our joint account had always been the vacation fund. It was for the fun stuff, the frivolous things that caught our fancy. He hadn't made me rich or anything but he'd given me a little leeway. That was...kind of him, I supposed. There was my bike, written in as well. That was great but I had no idea how I was going to get two vehicles across the country.

As I read further, I was even more shocked. Evidently I was to feel free to take anything from the property that I wanted up to and including the house itself should I see fit. The house? Was he out of his mind? What was he thinking? I was so very confused I could only sit there and read the words a couple dozen times.

And then it hit me.

He didn't want me to go away. He didn't want to take the life I'd grown to love just because he wasn't going to be in it anymore. The thought was like a gut punch. Could that be it? Was he really attempting to keep me nearby or was it wishful thinking? Who knew, but even the thought in theory was enough to make my heart pound.

I hated that. I really did. I hated that I was still so very much in love with him. I was going to have to find a way to shut that off to keep my sanity.

As I flipped another page, the words could have been hieroglyphs for all I understood them. My mind was rolling over the thought of staying in Texas. Of staying in the house he'd offered me. It was a crazy thought. I couldn't take his house from him, could I? No, it was his and had been before he knew I existed but it was tempting...and he'd offered. The thought of those Michigan winters made my stomach shrivel and it tightened up even more when I realized I'd be playing third wheel to Casey and Brian's newlywed game. Oh god that was going to tear my heart out. I knew what that felt like to be so in love with someone and all the possibilities laid out before you that nothing else mattered. I was going to be spending a lot of time alone, that was for sure.

But that was the thing. It was the thing I'd neglected to let myself think, let alone say out loud through all of this. I didn't _want_ to be alone and it wasn't for fear of it. It wasn't codependency or the comfort of routine. I just didn't want to wake up every morning without the person I love beside me. I'd done that. Until I met Mark, I was convinced that alone was okay. I didn't need anyone to make my life better. I just was what I was and that was okay. I'd believed that with every fiber of my being and one night, in one shitty bar, all that had changed. Mark had changed the make up of my being just by being himself. He'd never tried to change me but we fit. Or had. Not so much anymore.

I let my head fall back, dropped a couple of f-bombs, and turned to the last page. I held the thing up and scanned it. There at the bottom I found the line that needed my signature to blow it all to hell. No, not to hell. This was the rescue measure. I was giving him what he needed.

Gripping the pen a bit too tightly, I crossed my legs and braced the massive stack of pages on my knee. I kept staring at that blank line. I knew that once I signed that line I would no longer be Mrs Calaway. Yeah, it would be my last name until I got around to changing it back but after this moment, it wouldn't mean anything. God that stung. Even though I knew it was for the best, it felt like an ice pick in my back.

"Okay...just sign it." I muttered to myself and moved it, shifting the pages for the millionth time. I scanned the end of the document and all its 'heretofores" and "therebys" and "in consequence ofs" and finally to the signatures...or...lack of them. Beside where my name was to go was a second blank line. Mark hadn't signed it. What? My heart kicked into overdrive again.

What did it mean? Every part of me said it meant something but what? Why had he gone through all this trouble and not signed it?

The answer was fairly simple all in all. He didn't want this... And as I sat there thinking over everything that we had been through and done to each other. All the hurts and joys and pain and pleasure. The closeness and the distance. I came to a conclusion I hadn't ever let myself think. I didn't want it either. It took this very final testament to make it clear but I didn't want to live a life without Mark in it.

As soon as the thought was fully formed I couldn't back out. The tightness in my chest eased and my head cleared. There was so much work to be done on both our parts but I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't. I couldn't. I loved him.

Tossing the papers aside, I jumped up. Oh my god I had purpose. I had to go and talk to him. I had to tell him that as hard a decision as it was, I forgave him. I wouldn't forget it. Probably couldn't but hating him was hurting us both because we had been two halves of the same entity for too long.

I looked at the alarm clock on his side of the bed and frowned. I looked down at the ratty old sweats I'd changed into and frowned again. Holy shit I had to go.

I needed clothes!

I was dressed again in record time. I did the best I could with my face. Make up can only hide so much and the puffy teary eyes were just going to have to stay.

_Please let him be there..._

I couldn't find my keys. My wallet was nowhere. I was edging close to a panic attack.

How could I tell him what was going through my mind? Everything was happening so fast. My head was a mess but maybe his was too. Maybe this was exactly how it was supposed to be.

As I located my wallet and jammed it into my back pocket, a crazy little laugh bubbled out of me. I snatched up the divorce papers and jogged down the hall to the living room. Miraculously, my keys were laying on the couch. I pounced on them with a triumphant smile.

I was ready to go. I'd burn these fucking things if that's what it took for him to realize I was finally serious too.

My hand was on the back door's knob when I heard a car door slam in the front yard. I stopped dead. If there was one in the front, they were probably sneaking around the back too. I could _not_ wait for this story to blow over. I just wanted my world to start spinning in the right direction again. I was going to work on part one. Part two would be getting those bastards off my lawn. I paused as another revelation hit me.

Why couldn't I get them off my lawn?

Riding the high of my new found purpose, I made a list of every horrible thing I wanted to call whoever was out there and wrenched open the door ready to let them fly in one breath before I busted his camera over his head but all at once I lost the power of speech.

I could not move. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Mark was there. He was standing on our porch, his keys in his hand as if he were just coming home from any other trip out but something was off. As my eyes danced along his face, I caught his gaze and held it. Those green eyes I'd always loved so much were red rimmed and what was behind them was so very unsure.

I opened my mouth to speak but still nothing came out. I just wanted to stare at him. Now that he was in front of me there was no wrenching ache. There was no pain. It was only relief and my fingers tightened down on the manila folder that held both of our fates against my will.

As if he knew what I was thinking, he let his stare shift to the papers in my arms.

"Don't sign that." He whispered and took a tentative step through the door.

I had to close my eyes as the anxiety drained out of me. He was here. It was over. The worst of it was over.

"Don't leave." I managed on a shaking breath and lifted my face searching his while I tried to find the anger that had sustained me for so long. It just wasn't there. I could only watch him, wait for an answer that would change my world again forever.

Mark shifted his weight, shoved his hands in the pockets of his faded blue jeans and slowly, very slowly as I watched his eyes, his cheeks, his whole face, his lips began to turn up at the corners. He was smiling and as I smiled back, my body shaking, his relaxed and moved forward. His arms snaked a~round my back and lifted me off my feet. It was perfect again. It was bliss. It was the only thing I wanted in the world.

"Still my girl." He breathed against my jaw as I dropped my head to his shoulder.

It was right. And I was exactly where I wanted to be.

~Fin~

* * *

(_Welp... C'est la vie... I'm gonna miss living in Adrian's head. But her story is told. Annnnnyway... I hope you guys enjoyed. Until the next round. ~Egypt)_


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